Falling for you
by becky2qt2bstr8
Summary: Bella loved a girl -Simone- and got her heart broken.She tried to forget.Now Sim comes back and Bella has to deal-with her past&with telling Edward.SLOW START.A/B in the end.Warning: rated M for Bi-theme,swearing and "stuff" in the late chapters-21 ff
1. memories

**Hey, everybody. I'm Becky and this is my first twilight fanfic. It is about Bella's mind being very private because she lost a part of her openness and light heartedness when her first love broke her heart. She tried to forget her past love by ignoring all her memories and moving to forks . The story is about what happens when that stops working out. **

**Her first love was a woman -ergo Bella is bisexual in this story --don't like that? -don't read!!**

**Please read and review cause I'm still new to this and don't know what I'm doing wrong and what I'm doing right!!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, Stephanie Meyer does. But the new character in this story is mine! **

**The song is Better than be- hinder. I don't own that either :(**

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--Chapter 1 - Memories hurting me-

"I'll be back tomorrow morning, I promise you my love" his eyes pleaded with me to let him go. He needed to go hunting I knew , I could tell from the color of his eyes, but still I wanted him to stay. I was in a weird mood since school started on Monday. Edward blamed school for me feeling sad, sometimes even miserable but I didn't think so, but since I came up with no reason for it I decided to ignore it until it went away.  
I could ignore a lot of things when I wanted to : the cold when I lay in Edwards arms for more than a few minutes, the questioning looks my father gave me every now and then when he noticed that Edward was "different", the self-centeredness of Renée's emails, hell, I could even ignore Lauren making up rumours about how I got Edward to stay with me - her newest theory , by the way, is that I pay him with money I stole -not really creative - I know.

But I couldn't ignore the fact that the whole Cullen family -including Edward-- were going to leave me alone in Forks for well…how long?

"when will I see you again?" I asked.

"Bella, its not that long, you will see me tomorrow in school again. that's less than 20 hours -"which will feel like a lifetime" I cut him off.

"Bella" He pleaded, looking me directly in the eyes " I'm going to miss you too, but I have to leave now -I don't want to put you in any danger. It's been 2 weeks and…" he trailed off. "I have to leave now, okay?" "M-hm" I nodded , maybe this few hours were manageable . "It's okay. You can go…but I don't like it " for my acceptance I was rewarded with my favorite smile.

"Me neither, Bells"

"I love you" he whispered before he leaned in to kiss me. The kiss was too short and too chaste for my liking but what could I do about it? I didn't have nearly enough power to force his face closer, and even if I did, it wouldn't be right. He was hungry so I shouldn't make being with me any harder now.

" I love you too, bye"

"Bye Bella" with that he was out of the window and in his Volvo. When I saw the car speed away, I sighed . what was I going to do with my time? I could cook something really complex with time-consuming preparation for Charlie, something new.

I was already reaching for my cooking-book in the shelf when I remembered that it was Thursday and Charlie wouldn't be home for dinner because Simon, one of his colleagues, was celebrating his birthday with a big barbecue.What else was there to do? the house was clean, the cloths washed, even ironed already. Nothing left to do but homework. Great. What could I start? Trig. lovely..

When I had finished my work, though survived my torture would be more accurate , it was only 4.30. Had I only killed little more than one hour? I had even enlarged on my dialogue analysis for literature . I had absolutely no homework left. Maybe my watch was broken. I looked at my clock an my bedside table. iIt said 04:31 PM . I guessed the teachers agreed on the concept of a slow start and usually I would have thanked them for that but not today.

How could I kill at least 5 more hours before going to bed?  
I had no idea and decided that maybe some music might inspire me. I turned on the radio and listened to a part of an all too familiar song

I told myself I won't miss you

But I remember

What it feels like beside you

I really miss your hair in my face

And the way your innocence tastes

And I think you should …

I couldn't stand it any more and pressed the off button on my remote as hard as I could. Crying I tried to push the memories away, I tried to lock the pictures inside my head again.

I failed.  
All those barriers I had built up to forget _**her**_…the song had broken them.  
There was nothing I could to but cry.

I closed my eyes and saw her face right in front of me.I saw her sparkling blue eyes closing and her red curls falling -one, then another, then another into my face and I heard her heart beat accelerate as she leaned in to kiss me.  
I remembered the softness of her lips on mine and the way her tongue tasted .  
I even flushed as I let the song remind me of the taste of her skin and the way she always made my heart stop for a second by kissing my chest.  
I recalled what her laughter sounded like in my ear and how much she giggled when I tried to tickle her.

Simone.

My first kiss,

my love,

my soul and once upon a time my everything when I was her's.

My beautiful Simone.

Then the memories changed and I could see sadder moments, hurting my inside, my heart, my everything. I remembered the moments of the end of that summer, the disappointment ,the rejection, the heartache, my tears all the reasons I didn't want to remember , the reasons I had locked everything up inside my head, constantly ignoring my past.

I lied down on my bed and cried. When the images in my head finally stopped -the kisses, the hugs, the happy times, the loneliness, the tears, the desperation -I was still sobbing, my heart ached like it had only once before and I started to feel the helplessness again. The helplessness I hadn't felt since I had moved to Forks. It was there and it was angering me, hurting me.

I had loved her with all my heart, with my whole being.  
And for a short amount of time she had returned these feelings.  
Then she had fallen for someone else.  
Fallen for a boy and destroyed my world.

When I thought about the day she told me it was over it suddenly hit me. Today was the 18th of august, I had started feeling unwell on august 15th -the beginning of school and the "anniversary" of her breaking up with me.

Even though I had suppressed all the memories and all my feelings for her when I had moved to Forks my subconscious seemed to remember very well.It also seemed to have a perfectly accurate sense of time to throw all kinds of negative emotions on me on the exact date in august .Damn it.

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	2. Phone calls

**AN:Wow over 50 hits in 24 hours although my summary sucks -I'm so happy guys!!**

**But still I'm a little**** disappointed in you : over 50 hits and not one of you found the time to review? you don't need to write much, I forgive typos and bad grammar -I just need some feedback to improve my writing skills. please ??**

**by the way : English is not my first language but i try to eliminate as many mistakes as possible**

**Disclaimer: I still don't own twilight... **

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chapter 2-phone calls

I knew I couldn't lock all my memories away again. If I did I would break down again the next time I heard a song that reminded me of her, or see a place that reminded me of us. Maybe Edward would be around when that happened… **no**, I couldn't do this to him. I couldn't break down because of someone else in front of him.

But what could I do? She had moved on, so had I. Edward was my world now, my everything and I had to enjoy the time I had with him before the inevitable would happen… before he would realize how boring I was and break up with me. He deserved to have happy Bella around him the best Bella I could be. To be happy I should make things simple for my heart. So I just stated the obvious :

I loved Edward. Simone was just a friend I missed. That's what she wanted- to be friends.  
And that's all I wanted.

As a friend I should think about her sometimes and it was logicall that I cared for her. So maybe I should call her, shouldn't I?  
Just to see how she was and to hear about dear old Phoenix, the newest stuff about school and everything.

Right; I could call her, it would take my mind off things. I dialed the number I knew by heart.

I let it ring two times and then I hung up.  
I was just nervous, I told myself. Maybe she was angry that I hadn't let her hear anything about me in the last 7 months. No, she wouldn't be ; maybe she'd be mad for half a second but then she would be happy. Definitely. We are best friends, she would be ecstatic to hear from me.

I dialed again. one ring, 2.  
I hung up. this was ridiculous.  
I dialed again, hung up.

There was no need for nervousness I told myself once again.  
Apparently it was not very convincing to myself because my hand was shaking as I reached for the phone one last time.  
I managed to let it ring 4 times before I hung up.

I couldn't do this, I realized. It would be better if I just forget her and my life in Phoenix and just concentrate on being in Forks. With the Cullens. Concentrate on my new life with my love,Edward. I didn't need to know what Simone was doing, there were more important persons in my life now, or beings for that matter. I didn't need her.

I was content with my decision , at least that is what I told my self as I started to ignore the feelings in my chest.

Everything was all right. I went downstairs and fixed myself a quick dinner . In my room again I started my computer and after 10 minutes which never seemed to end, I was finally able to open my e-mail account.

"**You've got 2 new mails " **it blinked at me.

Both were from Renée. The first one consisted of a very detailed desciption of her last few days and some questions about my first day of school. I was already 3 days old, so I was not really surprised that the second email was just one line long:

"_Why don't you write? Is everything okay? love, R."_

I thought about what I could write. Should I comment on every line of her diary entry-like description or just answer the questions? After a few seconds I decided to call her, she would be happy about that.

_"Hello?"_

_"Hey mom, I'm really sorry that I haven't mailed back to you , yet . You know, I was busy."_

_"With school or with boys?"_

_"A bit of both, but it's just singular mom. One boy_ _(or something close to that ) "_

"_You're still together with Edward I see. How are you two ?"_

"_We're fine Renée, really. Hey, you wrote that you got a new class this week, so tell me -how are they?"_

This was all it took to get her started. She spoke for more than half an hour with me only mhm- ing and "I see"-ing every now and then. After that I answered a few questions about school. They were the same as in her email -too predictable and too random.  
After listening to Renées stories about Phil for a while I started to feel tired. I looked at my clock. It was 9 p.m. -not really late, but still I felt a bit sleepy.

"…_.and now he thinks that they really stand a chance against this team next Saturday."_

"_that sounds great mom, tell Phil I'll keep my fingers crossed for him"_

"_I will"_

"_Great. Renée, I'm getting a little tired and -_

"_Oh my god! how could I forget!"_

"M_om?_

"H_as Simi reached you , yet , honey? "_

"_What?"_ I felt the phone slip out of my hand, but I caught it shortly before it hit the ground.

"_Renée? Sorry! What did you just say? "_

"_I asked if Simone contacted you , because she called me a few days ago and asked about your number and address and so on."_

"_She did?"_ I just couldn't believe it.

"_yeah"_

"_Did she tell you why she wanted …"_ I trailed off .

"_No, I guess, I didn't even ask. I mean, after all she is your best friend, right? I didn't think you'd mind!_

"_I don't. I was just curious."_

"M_aybe there is something going on with her family, or with Jilian or.."_

The name was a knife in my gut, I started holding onto my midsection which was hurting more and more.

"_..or..I don't know"_

"I_t's okay, mom. really. well, I still have some homework to do, so… I wish you a good night, okay?"_

_-"Kay, you too honey. And please call soon"_

"_I promise I will, bye"_

"_Bye"_

_I took a deep breath and counted to 20 then 30. after a while I was up to 73 and my heart still hadn't slowed down. Why would she want to call me? Probably, for the same reasons I wanted to call. To work an this friendship, we now supposedly had . And the reason she hadn't called Yet was..hm.. maybe she was as insecure about this whole friendship thing and restarting contact as I was. Yeah, that was the reason. It had to be._

_The thought calmed me, it showed me, that my behavior wasn't as pathetic as I feared. Or maybe it was and it just calmed me to know, that I was not the only pathetic one._

_I ignored the feeling in my gut telling me that Simone may have another reason to call me, went showering and then to bed.__**I hope you liked it . No matter if you did or not plz hit now the review button and tell me what you think!**_

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	3. next morning

**Hey for the second time today! this is especially for Nessa Cullen23 who asked me to update soon and for roxy1389, beyondhope0322, vampire's love , and Urie Gundam who put my story on their alert list.**

**special thanx to ExperimentalMe.**

**i hope you enjoy and review!**

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chapter 3 - next morning

When I woke up in the morning I felt wonderful- for about 20 seconds.  
I had dreamt about Simone and me fooling around in her swimming-pool and later going dancing in this cute gay-bar just a few streets away from school , where they had a teen night twice a month.  
When I woke up I was carefree, happy almost ecstatic and I was loved by her. Only to realize that I wasn't and it was all just a dream.

We had moved on and my dream was just a re-run of good times we once had.

And then another realization hit me. Hard.  
I was betraying my love. Edward, my wonderful boyfriend was away for one lousy night and I already started dreaming about other people.  
I was a horrible person. How could I do that to him?  
I couldn't do this ever again. I wouldn't. I would just forget her.

I put on some grey shirt , my favorite pair of jeans and went downstairs. I decided against breakfast in favor of straitening my hair out and putting on a bit of mascara and light grey colored eye-shadow.  
I wanted to look my best for Edward .

I stared art the mirror -I looked pretty good I assumed, but I didn't fool myself I wasn't anything in comparison to Alice or Edward.

I looked outside the window, it wouldn't be sunny today, but at least it wasn't raining.  
On my way to school a smile was plastered on my face. I would get to see Edward soon and spend my whole day with him .. well except for Spanish and PE but for that I was grateful. Me playing badminton was embarrassing enough without Edward seeing it.

When I reached the parking lot, Edward was already standing there with Alice by his side waiting for me to arrive.

Alice complimented me on my appearance, hugged me joyfully and went to her class quickly. She seemed a bit freaked out, but I was probably just emagining things.

the first few hours flew by and it was lunch break. I quickly ate a slice of pizza and then went to sit with edwartd on a bench outside to enjoy the warmth of the "summer"-day. I was seated in Edwards lap and he was running his hands through my hair. The schoolyard was filled with groups of people shattering and eating but I ignored them, I was in Edward's arms and that was all that mattered. I was planning what to do this weekend when Edward suddenly stopped playing with my hair and looked irritated in Mike's direction, almost angry.

"Honey, whatever he is thinking, calm down. I love you and someday he might realize that he has no chance with me -okay?" I asked in a calm voice trying not to show my annoyance about the behavior of either of the two men.

What he said ,however, startled me "Mike doesn't upset me, Bella. It's….."

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**know it's way too short and i'm mean for letting it end here, but I promise to update within the next 24 hours ! **


	4. Home

**Hi all! thank you for reading and reviewing so far -plz continue. In this chap also a little Epov - I hope you like it!**

**NessaCullen23: i hope it fullfills your expectations and makes you happy -thanx for ur reviews!!**

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chapter 4- Home

EPoV

I was sitting outside playing in Bella's hair and listening to her plans for a movie night at my house when I heard it for the first time "Hey, I'm looking for Bell, you know where she is? " 6 more students were asked where "Bell" was and I tried to read the speakers mind to find out if my Bella or someone different was meant. When the person asked Mike Newton I concentrated hard on the thoughts of the someone standing close to him, but there was absolutely nothing. It was as if Mike was talking to himself and just imagining someone to stand there.

Not another one-I thought to myself. I hated not knowing bellas thoughts..but it made her special in a way..if there were more people like Bella..maybe my power was fading? this was really disturbing.

I noticed my angel looking up to me "honey, whatever he is thinking, calm down. I love you and someday he might realize that he has no chance with me-okay?" Oh, she thought I was angry about Mike's thoughts which were -for once in a very long while -not disturbing in any way.

" Mike doesn't upset me, Bella. It's this girl talking to him."

"What horrible things does she say or think?" Bella asked truly curious about it.

I listend once again " Who do you look for? " Mike was asking slightly irritated " Bell! "she responded annoyed "Isa! Isabella Swan or whatever you're calling her here"

" Bella is with Cullen somewhere on the benches behind me." Mike made it sound like I was the devil himself.

"thanks "

"She asked where you are"

"Huh? "Bella looked at me disbelievingly. Then she seemed to understand or realize something that I couldn't phantom and she started to panic. Her heart rate and breathing sped up and she looked in Mike's dirction with slight fear in her eyes. The girl had just started walking towards us and looked Bella directly in the eyes. In the moment the girl's eyes locked with Bellas her heart stopped and tears started to show themselves.  
I wanted to ask her what was wrong and hold her to calm her down but she stood up and started walking towards the new girl whose thoughts I still couldn't hear.

They kept walking straight to each other, ignoring everything around them.when they came to a halt only inches away from each other they didn't hug immediately as I had anticipated from the girl's happy expression. They didn't move an inch but stared each other directly in the eyes. Somehow it reminded me of Jasper and Alice after a longer separation.

BPOV

This was just surreal. I was standing here, on campus in little old Forks and _she_ was standing right in front of me. I couldn't move, couldn't breath, I just stared into her eyes. The blue oceans I had missed so much. My right hand started moving on its own accord and tugged a stray red curl behind her ear, careful not to touch too much skin.. She couldn't be real.  
Then I heard her beautiful voice say my name "Bell" ."Simone "I replied barley above a whisper, before I finally embraced her. She was really there. I could smell her skin and feel her holding me and my only feeling, the solitary thought that crossed my mind was "Home".

EPOV

I stared at the secene before me. Although I didn't know a thing about this red-haired girl it was obvious that she was very important to Bella. However, it appeared that they were uncertain about their greeting. Maybe they had been on bad terms when Bella left, which would also explain, why she never told me about 'Simone' as she just called her. I would ask her later about it. I just decided to walk over and introduce myself when something happened.  
I walked towards the girls and almost stumbled from the unexpected force with which the thoughts hit me. First a foreign "voice" said "home" with so much intensity to it that I had to check if Simone was human or not. Heartbeat was there..hm I 'd have to check the body temperature later then.  
What startled me even more was that I heard a second voice, different in tone but alike in intensity of emotions screaming at me "Christ, I've missed this. My home".

It took me about a second to realize it: I just heard Bella's thoughts! I didn't know which of the two voices was hers, but I was absolutely sure that they belonged to different persons... and since no other students were standing this close to me ...it could only have been Simone and Bella.

I was happy, maybe this meant that my gift worked on Bella, too. Now, that I had finally found her "wavelenght". Smiling, probably from ear to ear I walked closer to see the girls end their embrace and stare at each other with tear filled eyes.

BPOV

After what seemed like hours, she pulled away from me and stared me in the eyes. I realized that hers, just like mine were filled with tears ready to spill.  
"Are you here to visit?" I asked praying to whatever powers that heard me that she wasn't.  
Someone must have heard me "No, I moved here, with my mom, you know. She found a good job here in Port Angeles."

What's with the rest?" I remembered her 3 sibilings and her dad and how they had become my family that summer... they were a real family..even more so as the Cullens.

"They stayed in Phoenix, maybe they'll come here later. In a year or so."

"Oh, well that sounds good" I answered happily. I noticed Simones eyes staring at a point to my left, raising an eyebrow, when I felt a cold hand sneak around my waist, holding me.

"Hey, I'm Edward" He said casually, staring at Simone "I'm Simone, but everyone calls me Simi"

"It's a pleasure to meet you" Edward , always the formal one, said .

"Yeah, me too"

"Bella I think we go to biology right now or someone will be very mad at us again."  
"oh, okay" I replied, not really wanting to go.

"Wait! you guys have bio in room 027? "yup"

"I have that , too!

"Great, come with me"- I said walking towards the building "..aehm with us" I corrected

Edward walked a bit in front of usholding doors open and when Simone thought he couldn't hear her she turned her head and asked barly above a whisper "Yes or No?"

I was relived that even though she was sure it couldn't be heard, she sticked to our security form -yes or no? It basically meant : does he/she know you're bi? know who I am? Have you come out jet?

The answere was simple "no " I whispered back, but I was sure Edward heard me nonetheless and once again I was glad that he couldn't read my thoughts.

But what about Simi? If she thought about it-he would know and leave me for lying to him! I started to panic: We just reached the room and Simi waited at the front desk while Edward walked me to our table quickly asking me quietly "Is everything okay? You seem nervous."  
"I'm fine" I lied before the teacher started the lesson introducing Simi and seating her next to Jill in the rint row since her partner was ill today.

When I noticed Edward staring at Simi's head looking confused, I paniced even more and passed him a not "_What's wrong?"_

_Nothing.I just..well I can't read her mind, but I thought I heard something..it's just freaking me out._

When I read that relive washed over me. He couldn't read her thoughts that meant he could not see semis memories of our relationship or hear her wondering why I haven't come out in forks jet. It meant that I could tell him- some day when this was all thought through and Alice would have told me how how he reactes. OH NO..that meant that I had to tell Alice.. still better than having to tell Edward but what if she'd freak? and start to see every move I make and every word I say differently? just like all the others had.. oh no.

A new note snapped me out of my thoughts:

_What do you think about? Everything okay?_

_YES. I just thought that maybe you can't read the thought of any citizen of phoenix.. maybe the sun there changes our mental structure or something..I know it's a weird theory…but hey ;) Do you have a theory? "_I passed the note silently

_No, I think I'm gonna go home after this lesson and talk to Carlisle about it.. he might find something. sounds like a plan- hope he can help you_! just as I had passed this final note the lesson ended and Edward left the room in order to find some answeres.

**I'm aware that this is a stupid ending for a chapter but somehow the "perfect" final line didn't show itself today..sorry guys! ;)**

**Don't forget to review!!**


	5. cuz of you

**Hey guys this is my new chapter, I hope you like it. There is some Spanish in it (with more or less accurate translation (I had to translate from German to Spanish to English -which is definitely not what I'm best at) Please don't hate me if there are mistakes in it because it is the…give me a moment to count.. 5th language I learned in school, so I'm aware that it can't be perfect. (still spanish is one of those languagesI feel relatively comfortable to use with)**

**thanks to: Adorin, Arabella16 Jocelyn Torrent and for reviewing, you guys really make my day.**

**Jocelyn Torrent: i promise to fix the previous chapter soon, thanx for your attentive reading! There will be a lot of Alice in this chapter and the ones to come- i hope u enjoy!**

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I walked over to Simone who was just packing her books. "So, how have you been today?"

"Well, I just came here at lunch break. After I got my timetable I went looking for you."  
"Why did you come here so late? "

"Well my mom and I, we live a little out of town and the way to Port Angeles High is a bit shorter -she enrolled me there and when I found out this morning I had to go there first and talk to the counselor, then to the headmaster. Then call Forks High to inform them. And then I had to pick up my stuff for enrollment -you know class reports and the like -and when I finally had my timetable it was already lunch break."

"That sounds like a typical start for you, Sim. I mean why would you do it the easy way, if you can spend half a day explaining your situation?" I let my elbow hit her side lightly.  
"Yeah, why should I? By the way, have you fallen on your face since standing up , yet?"

I stuck my tongue out at her, and we walked down the hall together laughing.  
"See you later" I said walking into the Spanish class, stopping when I heard her whisper "I came here cause of you." I turned around to see her staring at a indefinable point at the wall further down the hall. "I guess you're happy with him." there was a sadness in her voice I hadn't heard in a very long time.  
"And you with Jilian, right? " I asked not having the slightest idea what kind of answerer I would like for her to give me.

"Mhm. yeah, he loves me ." she paused "We should give the friendship thing a new try -don't you think bell? " Ms Fuentes choose that exact moment to appear and drag me into the class room with her.

I turned my head to Simone one last time " Yeah, we should try that"  
Ms Fuentes was annoyed since I was still standing in the doorway "No quieres acompanar nosotros en classe? " (don't you want to accompany us in class?)

"sorry" "en espanol" the teacher demanded.

"Perdón! "

"sentate pro favor" (sit down please)

After a few minutes of class I was deep in thought about Simone and me. She had actually come here because of me but she was still together with Jilian. Lucky guy. I wish he wasn't there anymore, I wish he'd just left her. That was harsh, I knew.

I was aware that I shouldn't be thinking that but be happy for the fact that my friend had come back to me. I should be happy that I had my gorgeous Edward who loved me unconditionally. I pictured his perfect face in front of me, but was interrupted by Ms Fuentes' voice. "ISABELLA . Explica la diferencia entre ninos en la calle y ninos de la calle, por favor. " (please explain the difference between kids of the streets and street kids (_AN: the 2 terms are translated roughly for they are technical terms, which,as ar as I know exist neither in English nor German)_

What the hell? There was a difference? Who knew?

"aeh… lo siento no sabe la diferencia." (sorry, I don't know the diff)

"Tienes que saberlo, por el examen en la semana que viene .Presta tu atención a la classe y deja sonar !" (you have to know that for the test next week. Pay attention to the class and stop dreaming!)

"si".

After this I started taking notes about street kids in Guatemala, not really understanding much of the notes on the board. I definitely had to learn some vocabulary soon.

I was on my way to hell, well the gym, when someone grabbed my hand -it was Alice.She appeared nervous and started talking a bit too fast for me to understand everything."Hey, Bella. I know you have some things to tell me , so I thought that we might make a girls' afternoon/night at your home? I promise I let Edward not hear a thing and let him visit you later so you can have some ..welll alone time. okay? I think that's a good idea, don't you Bella?..Bella? please say something!" Alice yelled at me waiting for an answere while I was still trying to process what she had said.

"If you want me to understand you, you have to speak slower or give me a moment. I'm not a vampire yet" I answered .After a moment I got it all… she wanted me to tell her..oh no this would make our whole friendship totally awkward for the next couple of weeks at least.. but she probably knew a few things already…"okay, Alice"I groaned" we can have that girl talk later, if you want to"  
"Bella, don't worry I won't freak out -I promise! I just have a few questions, is all" she said opening the door to the changing room for me.

P.E. passed by in a blur of rackets and balls and soon- after hitting myself only 4 times I might emphasize- I was changing again. I was on my way out, when a hand touched my shoulder. I knew who it was from the reaction of my heart. It skipped a beat. I turned around, only to be drawn into a hug.  
"Have a nice weekend, my Bell"

"You ,too"  
"This" Simone said, slipping a piece of paper into the back pocket of my jeans" is my address and phone number … in case.. well you know"  
"Thanks, I see you on Monday" I said turning unwillingly towards the exit.

I practically ran from the door to Alice, leaning against my truck, trying not to think about _her_ hand in my pocket, touching my bum.

"Hey" Alice said" You want me to drive?" "Yes"I sighed climbing into the front seat.

"So I ordered some pizza for you, it will arrive at your home about a minute after we do. Charlie will have to do a double shift because of a car crash in 2 hours on the highway. That means, that you won't have to prepare any meals today and we can have some girl time. sounds great, don't you think?

"That sounds wonderful, Alice" I said with a bit of sarcasm in my voice, which she chose to overhear.

**So what questions will Alice have? -a few suggestions please! And how will Edward react to Bellas coming out (which is due in the next 5 chapters some time)?**

**oh, and: did you like it so far? Please review! **


	6. the story of my lovelife

**Hey, guys thanks for reading so far, I hope you enjoy this, it is pure Bella/Alice talk.  
'Warning':I won't be updating before friday noon (MEZ +1) because I'm on holiday.- that means you got more time to review ;-)**

**Special thanks to: Arabella16 and Jocelyn Torrent for reviewing.  
****Jocelyn: I hope I depicted Alice right in this part. If not, let me know.**

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chapter 6 - the story of my (love) life

Fifteen minutes and a pizza later we were sitting on my bed with Alice staring intently at me. "So, what do you want to know? " I asked hoping that she wouldn't ask anything too embarrassingly like whether I had always imagined doing it with a women while pleasuring myself -which was the exact question Renée had asked me two days after finding out about Sim and me.

"I would like you to tell me about Simone and you. Tell me your story. And if I still have any questions after that I'll just ask- in return I will help you to find a way to tell Edward. Does that seem fair?"

"yeah."

"Good, cause if ít hadn't I would just have pulled the "I'm your best friend-so you have to tell me card". Alice said smiling broadly.

"No doubt about that" I smiled. "Where shall I begin? "

"Wherever you want to Bella, but it might be best if you started with the beginning."

"Okay. I will tell you now 'my story', but if you get bored or don't understand things, you tell me, promise?"

"Yep"

"Okay, it started 2 years ago. She was new in my art class , that's where I first saw her. Although we were in the same year I had never seen her before. That is nothing unusual. We were a lot more students in Phoenix than here.  
She was one of only 3 new additions to our class because most kids had just elected the same classes they had last year. Simone was different though, she wanted to test out everything, so she changed the "additional courses" as they were called, every year. She chose a seat far away from me and I was way too shy to walk over to her and introduce myself. So I waited. After about a week she talked to me. She had noticed that I didn't fit in with the other kids and wanted to get to know me because of that.  
Well, a few weeks later was my birthday and she made a party for me with the very few people I got along with and talked to on occasion and a couple of her friends. On that night I fell in love with her -I can't tell you why, though. I saw her standing close to the pool and I just wanted her."

"Weren't you scared that you wanted to kiss another girl, I mean.. well were you?" Alice asked curiously.

"I didn't just want to kiss her, Alice" I admitted blushing to a tone of red that made every tomato jealous . Alice didn't say anything in response though, which I was massively grateful for.

" I had suspected that I was gay or bisexual for a rather long time and Simone was just the first girl I really fell in love with."-Angelina Jolie and Lena Headey didn't really count I told myself pausing for a moment . When I wanted to continue I had to search for words which could explain what I felt that night. When I didn't come up with anything good, I decided to just describe what had happened hoping she'd understand me anyway. " She was happy that night. I just saw her dance und talk and smile and I was in love."

"Was that the time you became sweethearts? On your birthday?"

"No, that happened much, much later. I was sure she just thought of me as a friend, and at first she definitely did.. Time passed and I got used to being around her unable to have her. It's the everyday story of a gay kid who fell in love with his or her best friend, you know. The love isn't returned. At some point the friend finds a partner and the gay kid learns to live with it -I mean you can find these stories in any teen-or gay-forum and in any youth magazine you choose to look in. Why should my story be any different I thought."

"Well, in spring of the next year I started being insecure about Simi's intentions but doubt got the better of me. It actually took a kiss from her for me to realize that she, too, was in love."

"When did she kiss you?"

"It was after a weekend sleepover. She had slept in my bed although there was a guest bed in my room and I felt really on edge-the awareness that I had her so close for the whole night but I couldn't touch her drove me crazy, I probably slept less than 2 hours that night . The next morning we spent talking and at some point in time I got bold and sat myself onto her lap and when she didn't protest I leaned my forehead against hers. I kinda felt like dying. It was such a magical moment, there were so many butterflies inside my belly. But I knew there was a chance that when I would lean in to kiss her she would push me away and I would loose my love and my best friend. ,huh, I wanted to kiss her so much. " I sighed remembering one of the hardest and most 'dramatic' moments of my life so far  
"I started looking her in the eyes . I think I drowned in her oceans that day before I noticed that she, too was looking up and down between my lips and my eyes.  
She was insecure just like me. After a few moments she closed her eyes and a few stray locks fell into my face and she kissed me.  
I thought I was gonna die from an heart attack that moment. It was my first kiss, you know? "

Alice nodded with a slight smile on her lips.

"And after that everything felt great. I mean I was really on cloud nine. Of course there were stupid reactions from other students and stuff like that but we really had a great time. No matter how stupid the comments where or whatever ..well we always had each other. In spite of everything we had a lot of fun , a lot of love" I explained probably with a far away look in my eyes.

"What happened then?"

"Honestly I don't know. We didn't see each other much in the last 2 maybe 3 weeks of the summer holidays, and on the Friday before school started she asked me to meet her. She said that her feelings had changed and that she considered me more a very good friend than a lover and that she'll break up with me. It broke my heart. I couldn't think, couldn't speak, couldn't breath. I just accepted it and went home. I couldn't move anymore, couldn't live. After all the woman I'd loved with my whole heart didn't want me any more. There was no more reason for my existence , so I didn't do anything for days. Renée forced me to school after almost two weeks.  
That's when I found out why her feelings had changed. She had fallen in love with a guy, and she was happy." I had tears in my eyes by that part. "She wanted us to be friends again. It didn't work out at first. " I said with a bitter tone in my voice.

Alice looked at me sympathetically " I can imagine."

"After a while it got better… but when I came here- when I moved to Forks I promised myself never to let someone be able to hurt me that much ever again. I had lost all my light-heartedness and most of my trust in people. I was a different Bella."

"Did it work out? " Alice asked after a while.

"Huh?"

"Do you think that no one can hurt you that much any more?" she asked with real interest in her voice.

"It didn't work out , Alice you know that. You know how devastated I would be if Edward…you know…"I trailed off unable to think about it any further.

"I didn't want to upset you Bella, I'm sorry."

"It's alright. So do you still have any questions about Sim and me? What do you think of me now?"I asked a bit afraid of the answerer.

Alice seemed to sense that and shot out immediately " I'm okay. Don't you worry! I just think that there's more to you than I ever thought. I guess you've been through a lot with your coming out. "

"Yeah, that's why I never even thought about coming out here. I mean Forks is the kind of town gay kids move away from to leave all the prejudices and stupid comments behind. Why would I come out here ? "

"yeah. Can you tell me what happened in Phoenix after your coming out… that bad stuff?"

" Oh, swearwords, former good friends ignoring me, stupid comments wherever either of us went, embarrassing questions of my mom, threats … I'll tell you about the nasty stuff some other day. I don't think I can go through that now. Is that okay?"

"Nastier that that?" Alice inquired, raising an eyebrow.

"Mh" I nodded.

"oh, okay, but I have a few questions left. Would that be okay with you? "

"Of course, what is it? "

"Why did you lie to Edward about ..well.. your past?"

"I didn't really lie so much as not tell him. I know that's a lame differentiation but what could I do? You know, when I was with Simi a lot of people I knew; young , open-minded, from the most different groups, age from 14 to 38.. most of them reacted badly to us and they weren't brought up in the early 1900s to be an orderly gentleman. I just made so many negative experiences with 'progressive' people that I was - hell, still am !- terribly afraid to tell someone 'conservative'."

"You think Edward will freak out on you?"

"I don't think anything I just fear it. But you can tell me, can you please look if he'll freak out?" I pleaded afraid .

Alice just nodded , went silent for a moment and closed her eyes. When she opened them again she looked sorry ..and a bit angry. "I can't see anything. You still haven't decided whether you'll tell him or not? " She was furious now. "How can you do that to my brother! He deserves to know!"

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**My longest chapter so far, I hope it was enjoyable.  
Please review -even if you don't like it !**


	7. Plans, Theories anyone?

**Hey guys, I'm absolutely sorry it took me so long to update but I was sick. To make you not hate me I give you the longest chapter so far, with a bit of physical action (-no lemon) .I hope you enjoy.**

**Thanks to all my readers and reviewers so far!-I love you guys!**

**I don't own Twilight or any of the movies I mentioned in this chapter. I know big surprise ;)**

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_"You think Edward will freak out on you?"_

_"I don't think anything I just fear it. But you can tell me, can you please look if he'll freak out?" I pleaded afraid ._

_Alice just nodded , went silent for a moment and closed her eyes. When she opened them again she looked sorry ..and a bit angry. "You still haven't decided whether you'll tell him or not? " She was furious now. "How can you do that to my brother! He deserves to know!"_

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Chapter 7 - Plans, Theories...anyone?

_"N_o, I want…well I have to -I know that."

"He deserves to be told by you! If you don't tell him right now, I will do that! You just don't deserve someone as loving and nice and sweet as Edward….you.. .

I was staring at her unbelievingly, she had never been this mad at me. She was frightening that way. She was telling me that I never deserved him. Maybe she was right. WHAT? She will tell him?  
"You can't do that, please don't" I cried, waterfalls running down my cheeks.

Alice looked me straight in the eyes. Oddly enough she wasn't mad anymore. "I won't. Promise. I didn't mean a thing. Did I scare you?" she asked really concerned.

"No." I lied not very convincingly because I was still sobbing.

"But you will be when she says it." Alice said completely in thoughts staring at my bedroom door.

"What?" I was completely confused now.

"Hey, calm down Bella" She said taking me into her arms. "Everything 's okay, I love you, you know that right?"

"yeah"

"What I just did, that wasn't me, Bella. That will be Rose's reaction when she overhears us talking on Tuesday. About 2 minutes later she will run to Edward in order to tell him." I stared at her with shock-opened eyes.

"But he already knows it and is breaking trees in a half deep in the wood. He is angry, desperate, mostly disappointed and sad. And Bella, he will be thinking about going to Alaska for a while"

"Oh my god" I threw my hand on my mouth. I was shocked. He couldn't leave me. Alice vision just couldn't be real. "How…How will Ed..ward" I stuttered unable to form the question.

"How will he find out? Well, Simone assumes that you tell him today or Saturday at latest. When you trip over something on school grounds, she makes this comment about your right leg and your pelvis and then he understands that she has been with you… well been with you intimately. He decides to run into the woods because he is afraid to do something stupid. As always he'll try to protect you." In the short pause that came I tried to understand everything I had been told in the past minute. I tried to grasp the meaning of everything she just told me..but somehow it was all too much. The only thing I could do was continue to cry.

" I didn't mean to make you afraid of me, really" Alice said in a soothing voice. I understand that you are scared , but you can't just not tell him the truth- I just don't want you to endanger your relationship. That's why I told you. "

"Yeah, okay" I said still shocked and confused. I realized there was no way out of Alice's scenario. Even if I asked Simone not to talk with Edward and explain that he still doesn't know…Rose could still find and overhear Alice and me talking no matter where we went. And considering Alice 's show I guess that there was really no chance to convince Rosalie to do anything for me. She had never liked me very much. She would probably be grateful to find a reason to break us up. But that wasn't the point of what Alice had told me. Not at all. The point was I had to tell Edward that I had edited a few, no, a lot of things when we had our talk about the first love. I had to be honest with him. No matter what. He deserved that.

He would probably ask me a lot of questions. Why I didn't tell him and if I thought it didn't matter -easy ones. I hoped he wouldn't ask me any hard questions I didn't know the answers to. For instance if the love I felt for her over a year ago was stronger than the love I felt for him or whether I lied about being a virgin. That was probably the toughest of all questions he could ask. For one thing because the answer would probably hurt him and give him once again the feeling that he was just not enough for me because he couldn't give me everything I wanted, and for another because I really had no clue what the answer was. A lot of people said that 'experimenting' with girls didn't count ,so I could say I am still a virgin. However, did I really consider my time with Simi as an experiment? I don't think so. It was love, a relationship like any other. Still I wasn't quite sure what to say about 'it.'

"Do you need some more time? " Alice asked jumping in through the window. When did she leave? And how come I didn't notice? Did she say goodbye a while ago? I was really unsure about all that so I asked" How long have you been gone?"

"Just about 7 minutes. When I saw you were in thoughts I ran home, talked to Edward about our girl-evening, changed my shirt and ran back. He will come here I in about 1 ½ hours so we need to start the planning soon."

"Okay" I replied in a silent voice.

"I hope you're not scared any more"

"I'm not, but as far as confrontations with consequences go… this was a shock therapy ." I tried to smile.

" I wanted to spare us the long discussion about 'when to tell him' we would have had. And it worked. I'm sorry if I overdid it. I'll make it up to you."

"How?"

"By... not forcing you to ... go shopping with me the whole weekend." She said looking a little pained.

"That sounds fair." I nodded "Now about Edward…When should I tell him? Can You tell me now how he's going to react?" I asked , afraid that it will go badly.

Alice closed her eyes for a few seconds.

"I still can't see a thing. Maybe you fear it so much that it is just too uncertain for me to see. Maybe we have to plan it more concretely for me to have a chance.  
I suggest you tell him Sunday night." That early! I really didn't like the idea that I would have to make 'the talk' in less than 48 hours when I had time until Tuesday. But she was the vision- getting -girl, she would know best. "Okay, why Sunday?" I said in a voice making it obvious how much I was not okay with it.

"On Sunday night no one will be at the house. Only Jasper if you want that. On Monday for example, the whole family would be listening. I don't think you'd like that, would you?"

"No, it's better when it's just him and me. I don't want **any** of the others to know." I emphasized 'any' to make clear what I thought about involving her love.

"But Jasper would understand, I promise" Alice said a little disappointed that I didn't trust her husband with my "secret". "He could help you to be more confident. And he could keep Edward calm in case he doesn't take it well. That would help you, don't you think?"

I thought about it. Truth was I needed confidence to make it through this talk without breaking down crying. But also true was that , no matter how much it frightened me, I wanted to see Edward's real reaction. I wanted to know how he felt about me having lied and about me being bisexual. I didn't want a calmed down reaction that was created by an Empath.

I was completely in two minds about this. So I would tell Alice the truth: "About Jasper…I'm not really sure because.." I was cut off by a smiling Alice.

"It's really brave of you, to ask for his real reaction" She said having already seen what I was about to tell her." I could tell Jasper only to boost your confidence and control your fear and let the other emotions be. Is that okay?"

I considered it for a moment."Yes that sounds good, Thank you. "

"No problem. I'm you're best friend, remember?… So do you want to practice you're speech?"

"No. I think I will make it up when I start it. If I just learn some lines that sound nice.. that's…it's just not ...right. Just not me. " I stuttered trying to explain.

"That's okay. Do you want me to try looking again, now?" Alice asked, accepting my decision without any question. "No. I don't want to know. I didn't have your ability at hand when I told dozens of people. I lived through that. Searching for Edwards reaction will make this coming out only even more special than it already is.. I don't want that." To my own surprise that was really the truth.

"That's okay, Bella. Plus it leaves us more time to plan the movie night for tomorrow!" She was happy now.

After an endless discussion about which movies we would watch and which we definitely wouldn't -NO to Cruel intentions, Disturbia and Queen of the Damned, YES for Pirates of the Caribbean-, whether to invite Rosalie and Emmett or not (we decided for a yes cause I hadn't seen Emmett in a while and really missed him) and what kind of food was needed for me to 'survive', a dark figure appeared at my window and jumped in.

"Hello, Bella" Edward said leaning down to give me a quick kiss on the lips in the very same second "How are you?"

"Fine, Alice and me just finished planning for tomorrow night" I answered smiling. He looked so wonderful in the cold light of the moon…almost as if I imagined him. His eyes were sparkeling and the smile was definitely meant to make my heart stop for a second.

**EPOV**

"Bella?.. Bella?.. You dazzled her again! How am I now supposed to say goodnight?" Alice complained.

"Wait a second. " I whispered while starting to put little butterfly kisses on her neck. As always that brought Bella out of her trance. She always hoped for more and moved her hair in order to please me ..and probably to tease me as well.

"Well, I see you tomorrow, Bells. I'll talk to Charlie and pick you up at 6. Okay?"

"Yes" Bella answered, still not really concentrating on Alice.

"Bye, Alice..and thanks."

"No problem, Bye." with that she jumped out of the window and ran home. Probably to spend some time with Jasper who had been waiting for her the whole day.

"So, what did you and Carlisle find out about your problem?" Bella asked while she was trying to climb onto my lap. When it looked like she was about to fall off the bed I took her in my arms and placed her where she wanted to be.

"Well it seems that the two of you both have a very guarded mind… unlike most people you are not willing to tell much about yourself.. or at least you are more secretive than others. Where this comes from..well there are rumors, a few old legends say that the mind of a person who has been reincarnated for several times can only be influenced when it is one with his true other part of the soul….but no one really knows what that means .. Carlisle's guess is that it refers to soul mates that are either married or making love or something. Other theories say that 'secretive' minds work somehow more quiet..so that one can only influence their thoughts when they have strong feelings about them which makes them 'louder'; or that vampires can't influence the minds of those humans who will develop talents when the are bitten.or..or.or. really there is nothing conclusive about that."

"So, I guess we stick with 'Bella is a freak' "my angel answered a bit disappointed.

"No, you're definitely not a freak… you're just a very special person. "I tried to cheer her up. How could someone as beautiful as my Bella consider herself a freak? She really didn't see herself clearly.

"Yeah, very special. By the end of the year there will probably be 5 more like Simi and me." she said with a hint of disappointment and tons of sarcasm in her voice.

"Listen to me. You are a very special person. Everyone I know thinks so. You're very remarkable and loveable the way you are. For me even more so "  
I said looking into her eyes. She seemed to accept this. So I leaned down to kiss her softly on the lips- only to feel her left hand grab my hair. She was trying to pull me closer and her tongue was playing on my lips begging for entrance.  
This was very dangerous for me ,even more so for her. But she wanted it so badly. I had just fed, so I thought I'd give it a short try and opened my mouth for her. She wasn't hesitant as I had expected her to be. She moved her tongue fast and in sophisticated motions into my mouth, even touching the razor sharp teeth in front . The moment her warm tongue tried to wrap itself around my ice cold one I felt her other hand coming up to my neck, trying to force me even closer to her. Her heart raced and after a few seconds her heat, her heartbeat and her movements became to much for me. I disentangled myself from her form and ran to the wall furthest from her bed. We were both breathing irregularly and way too fast .

"Sorry, I…sorry" Bella stammered after a few minutes sounding more disappointed that I stopped her than anything.  
And once again I realized I just couldn't give her everything she wanted... I disappointed her.

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**Please tell me what you think about the 'kiss'! Was it okay? Or do I suck at depicting the "physical stuff"?**

**In case you like it, how far do you want me to take it -_if you know what i mean ;) -_ with either pair ?  
****Oh and has anyone ideas for edwards reaction? It's due pretty soon.  
Please review!!  
Yours, Becky**


	8. just another weekend

**He guys, I hope you like this, please leave a review! Even if you don't have an account here! I enabled anonymous reviews just 2 chapters ago -use it!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own twilight, any of its characters, or any of the movies that I mention this chapter.**

**Thanks to all the reviewers so far - i love you,i love you, i love you,i love you, i love you,i love you, i love you,i love you, i love you, i love you, I LOVE YOU!!  
I hope you you got the message ;). So...here we go:**

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EPOV

_Her heart raced and after a few seconds her heat, her heartbeat and her movements became to much for me. I disentangled myself from her form and ran to the wall furthest from her bed. We were both breathing irregularly and way too fast ._

_"Sorry, I…sorry" Bella stammered after a few minutes sounding more disappointed that I stopped her than anything.And once again I realized I just couldn't give her everything she wanted... I disappointed her._

_"I'm really sorry, Bella. That was just… too much. I sorry I can't give you that… so sorry to disappoint you " I said in a very sad voice._

Chapter 8- just another weekend

" But you were fine. Nothing happened. Kissing me is exactly like getting used to holding me. The more times you try it the better you can stand it without… well… wanting to kill me. So maybe if we try… a couple of times …it won't be 'too much' for you anymore. Please? " My angel replied blushing a million different shades of red. Moving of the bed and closer to me.

"Maybe you're right. But I don't want to risk your life any more tonight. Another time?"

She looked conflicted but gave me a sad smile, obviously displeased but trying to appear agreeable.

"I promise" I whispered, giving her a quick kiss on the lips.

"It's okay" She breathed leaning onto my shoulder . I picked her up and lay her in my arms on the bed.

Bella POV

I couldn't believe it. He let me kiss him, really kiss him, not just a short touch of lips but a French kiss! I was totally lost when my tongue touched his teeth and the cool insides of his cheeks. I loved his coldness but his motionlessness annoyed me a bit. Then I remembered how I always used to get Simone respond to my motions by trying to move my tongue under hers. As soon as I started to move my tongue in this way it was all over, Edward disentangled himself from me and jumped off the bed. Didn't he want to kiss me back? I felt humiliated for a moment before I realized that he , too, was breathing irregularly and wrestling with his self-control far across the room. I apologized having realized what I just did. I pushed him too far. I hated being stopped by him and his 'rules'. Sure they existed for my safety, but what about my needs? I knew that we wouldn't have sex. Couldn't. And I was okay with that , well most of the time. But I needed something.Still I shouldn't push him.

"I'm really sorry, Bella. That was just… too much. I sorry I can't give you that… so sorry to disappoint you " Edward sounded like he was about to cry. He appeared as heartbroken about this as I felt. Maybe we could work the physical out… or at least kissing and other stuff maybe later ... I tried to convince him of this idea, and ,as always when I talked about anything sex related around him, I blushed to the color of a cherry.

His answer was not what I had hoped for but he promised to try kissing me 'another time'. It wasn't much he promised me, by far not enough for my liking. But I knew this was hard for him, so when he gave me a peck on the lips I smiled promising "it's okay".

A moment later we were on the bed again.

We talked about the planned movie night a bit but then fell into silence. After a few moments Edward said "So I guess you are happy that Simone is now here in Forks. I mean, it's always good to have an old friend so close."

"Yeah it's nice to have a familiar face around, even though I got used to everybody here." I said. I was already a bit sleepy so it took me some time to realize that he had used the term "old friend" for Simone. "oh, we're not old friends, as you assumed. I've only known her for about one and a half years before I came here." I explained.

"So how come you never told me about her? When you talked about Phoenix it was all about Renée and Phil." Edward asked curious. I was wide awake within a second. Should I tell him the truth now? No, I couldn't. I'd do it this weekend but not like that. I needed to be concentrated and careful when I told him not panic struck and half asleep. But I didn't want to lie to him more. So I decided for a part of the truth. "We were kind of on bad terms when I left, we didn't even have any phone contact or anything the past few months. But I kinda missed her ..so it's good she's back." I yawned hoping he would just let the topic be.

EPOV

Her voice sounded dismissive, as if there was nothing more to tell. From her strong emotional reactions earlier today when she saw Simone for the first time however I could tell that there was more to it. But her voice made it clear. later- not now. And so I decided to let it be. When she yawned for the third time in mere minutes I asked her if she wanted to sleep, half expecting her to protest violently. She surprised me  
"Yes, but first I'll need a human minute" she said walking out of the room with a pajama and toiletries in her hands.

After a few minutes she reappeared in the door walking slowly over to the bed.

"Will you be there when I wake up?"

"Of course. I promise I'll be the first thing you see in the morning"

"That sounds great" she whispered slipping under her covers. "Will you hold me?" She asked almost dozed off. I just moved closer to her and put my arm around her. " I love you, good dreams to you my love" I whispered into her ear. Less than 5 minutes later she was in a deep sleep.

The next morning she opened her eyes and looked at the clock angrily. "Ohh, not good. Absolutely not good! How am I supposed to get everything done properly when I sleep 'til noon?" she asked a little upset.

"I didn't know that you had so much to do,if you told me i would have woken you up. But relax it's only 11. I'm sure you get everything done in time. You want me to help you?" She was so cute when she was upset.

"What about Charlie?"

"He had to work. He left 3 hours ago. There's a note somewhere on the kitchen table."

"Are you going to help me with everything ? Whatever I ask of you, you do it? " she asked running her hand teasingly around my chest. Why did she do this? She knew how hard it was for me to be around her without any of that. I grabbed her arm "Anything but that" I said pointedly.

Bella just started laughing. It sounded like angels singing "I just wanted to convince you to do my trig and biology homework… don't panic"

"oh, okay... I can do that, but only if you promise me to try your math problems alone more often.. without getting notes from Angela in the Spanish lessons. Okay?"

She was clearly upset about me knowing her 'little secret'.

" Stupid mind-reading -over-sensitively-hearing vampire powers" she cursed under her breath- she was sure that I would hear it nonetheless. A little louder she said "okay...but just for a week "

"No, a month."

"Okay, a month" She said defeated " but then you also have to help me wash up."

"Agreed." I answered putting a light kiss onto her cheek.

She smiled at me for a moment before she stood up to brush her teeth. I met her downstairs a few minutes later with breakfast. We had a long day ahead of us.

Bella POV

After endless hours of tidying, laundry, Spanish homework, a trip to the supermarket and cooking it was 5 o'clock. One more hour and Alice would come to pick me up for a 'girls' movie night-sleepover thing…or that's what Charlie thought.He would probably not be so enthused about me sleeping at the Cullens' if he knew that Edward will be there all the time. Well, as long as he's happy I'm not gonna break the bubble for him.  
I showered, straightened my hair, dressed casually and packed a few things together. One my way downstairs I heard the doorbell ring. Alice was as punctual as always. When Charlie opened the door she hugged him shortly and asked him how he was.

"Ready for a girls' night, Bella? Do you have anything you need do you want us to pick up a few more romantic movies on the way? " Alice asked me overly excited.

"As long as you got Dirty Dancing and Pretty woman I'm fine" I said playing along.

"Your brothers are probably thankful that they are hunting with your relative tonight and don't have to watch this…"Charlie said stopping when Alice raised her left eyebrow appearing angry. " I mean… these are typical movies for women.. they probably wouldn't be interested in them very much… Not that these are not great films or anything…just…Bella, please help me out here? " Charlie pleaded, sweat already visible on his forehead.

"Don't worry, dad she's just messing with you" I said.

Charlie made a confused face which made Alice and me break out in laughter.

Alice regained her composure first and said "Don't worry. I'm not angry or anything. We watch these films cause it's a girls night. You're probably right that neither Edward nor Emmett would like to watch them. Have a nice evening, I'll bring Bella back tomorrow .Bye" With hat we both left in the cars direction only to hear Charlie yell after us "Alice, make sure that you both get enough sleep, okay?"

"I promise" she yelled back smiling, already starting the car.

"Your dad is fun." She said when I closed the door.

"Only when one is you." I smiled back.

After a few minutes we arrived at the Cullens' and I opened my door again. Before my feet could touch the ground I was pulled into a tight embrace. Emmett was holding me close when he screamed his welcome into my ear "Hey Bella, my very favorite human. Good to see you."

"It's good to see you, too Emmett. But I have to breath now , so please…"before I had even finished he set me down in the living room close to Esme and my personal vampire and boyfriend :Edward.

"Let the movie -marathon begin" Alice screamed joyfully ,grabbing the remote and starting the first Pirates of the Caribbean film.

After a really funny evening -we had watched all 'pirates' movies as well as Corpse Bridge and Edward Scissor hands -the last one accompanied by a lot of fun at the expense of 'my' Edward - I was completely sure that all the Cullens' girls had a crush on Johnny Depp -I mean look at the selection of movies!!- and I was very, very exhausted .

When Edward put me up bridal style to take me up into his bedroom I could only manage a whispered "thank you" as response to all the whishes for good sleep and wonderful dreams before I fell asleep in his arms.

When I woke up the next day I looked around the room a bit disappointed, that Edward was not beside me. He was sitting on his sofa reading a book. When I looked at him he lifted his head and smiled at me. "Good morning Bella, slept well my love?"

"Morning. Yes I did"

He stood up and came close while I tried to find a way out under all these covers he had given me. "I will get you your breakfast. Esme and Alice made it before they left." They were already gone? So today was the day I would tell him.. suddenly I didn't feel good or relaxed from my long sleep any more. "What time is it? "

"Five in the afternoon, but don't worry Alice called your dad and explained that you were up until morning. He agreed that she takes you home until nine." Edward explained standing in the doorway with a smile on his face. "We still have enough time to ourselves".

"That's great" I answered faking a smile. There was not much time left, maybe this would be my last few hours with Edward.. before he finds out and breaks up with me. I started to panic but soon felt a boost of confidence and a bit of happiness wash over me.

Alice was right it was good to have Jasper here.

After breakfast I took a shower and used my time to think about what I was going to say to him…after half an hour my skin started to show funny red lines and dots everywhere because of the hotness of the water and I still didn't have any clue. So I decided to step out of the shower and dress. When I had just finished toweling myself there was a knock on the bathroom door. "Are you okay, Isabella?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'll just need a few more minutes."

"Okay, take you're time my love" After that I rushed myself to be ready. I wanted to get this stupid talk behind me. I put the outfit on I had chosen yesterday. It was what I had worn the day I kissed Simone on the school grounds. I told myself that I had survived that day in this outfit so I could definitely make it through my talk with Edward. But when I stared at me in the mirror - wearing olive green colored baggy pants that were rather low cut and a white sleeveless top that emphasized my upper arms and made my shoulder look masculine, all of my hair out of my face with a bit of hair gel put into a stern pigtail - I just looked very 'lesbo' to myself. And I knew that Alice would tell me later that she hated the outfit. _Whatever.._ I thought, _no matter what shirt I wear the talk is the important thing today ._

I counted up to 20 in my head before I left the bathroom and went into Edward's room.  
He was sitting in the same position as 2 hours earlier and put the book on a table the second I walked into the room.  
He eyed me suspiciously " You haven't worn this before. Is it new?" He asked with a question mark visible in his face.

"No, it's rather old. "I swallowed three times feeling very unwell. Then a confidence boost hit me and I was able to say one of the most clichéd sentences in all of history. "Edward. We need to talk." **(AN:I planned to be evil and let it end here..but somehow i just couldn't)**

"Okay, what about? " He asked uncertain what to expect. He motioned for me to come sit on the couch next to him. I walked over but decided to stay on the far away end of the sofa so that there was some distance between us.

"Are you going to break up with me because I won't kiss you the way you want me to and.. stuff? "He asked with sadness in his voice. "I could understand that."

"No. No, Edward, it's not about that. It's something different. I will tell you immediately, please don't try to guess it. I just need you to promise me one thing first."

I continued when he nodded. "Promise to hear me out. You can ask anything you want to know afterwards, but please...even if I might be at loss of words or cry or anything…please don't interrupt me."

"I promise" was all he said with a lot of fear in his eyes.

"okay. Edward I am very, very, sorry but I lied to you once… when I shouldn't have. And I never found the courage to tell you the truth until now. I…" I took a deep breath trying to concentrate on finding the right words , finally just taking those that came to mind " There was someone… before I came to Forks. There was someone in my live whom … whom I loved. I fell once in love before I met you and I had a relationship with this person." I swallowed and looked in Edward direction, but I didn't dare to look him in the eyes when I continued. "This person I was in love with…well…it..I …it was a woman. It was Simone to be more exact." I managed to breath out as another wave of confidence hit me.

"I know I should have told you when you asked me, but I was really afraid what you would think of me. I want to be honest with you, that is why I am telling you now. I am a bisexual, I had a relationship with Simone before I knew you and I got my heart broken by her about half a year before I came here. I am really sorry I haven't told you this until now, You have to believe me that,okay, please? "

"Edward can you ...can you say something? " I brought out between the tears that were now running down my cheeks. I felt even more confidence and happiness directed at me, but chose to ignore it. I looked Edward into the face, begging him to answer me somehow.

But all I could see where his black eyes staring at me, his face showing no emotion at all.


	9. what matters

**Here's finally Edward's reaction-I hope you like it. I know it's kinda short but I wanted this to be a separate chapter and I wanted to update before monday, I hope that's okay. **

**Disclaimer: I still don't own anything but the plot.  
Thanks to all the reviewers, you guys made this possible.**

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_…I want to be honest with you, that is why I am telling you now. I am a bisexual, I had a relationship with Simone before I knew you and I got my heart broken by her about half a year before I came here. I am really sorry I haven't told you this until now, You have to believe me that,okay, please? "_

_"Edward can you ...can you say something? " I brought out between the tears that were now running down my cheeks. I felt even more confidence and happiness directed at me, but chose to ignore it. I looked Edward into the face, begging him to answer me somehow._

_But all I could see where his black eyes staring at me, his face showing no emotion at all._

**chapter 9- what matters**

"Edward?" I asked again. His motionlessness and his quiet were starting to frighten me so much, that I could practically feel Jasper struggling to keep me calm.

"Edward, I love you. Can you please tell me what you think…or what you are feeling?"

"I…I am okay, Isabella." was all he said in a very unsteady voice. It didn't really convince me but I nodded nonetheless. He stood up from the couch and walked around in his room, his eyes never facing me but the wall. First I thought he just needed a moment to think of an answer to my first question, but then I realized that he was not going to answer anytime soon.

After a few minutes that felt like hours of torture, I asked again "So…what do you think about.. well… mh.. about me now? " I sighed , praying for any reaction to replace this screaming, burdensome silence.

Seconds passed but then, finally, he turned around to look in my direction and open his mouth. "I don't know, honestly I really don't know. I'm okay, I just need a minute." He closed his eyes and I could see how he grinded his teeth together, drew in a long deep breath and then pinched the flesh between his eyes. When he breathed out , he opened his eyes again and their color had changed to a tone of plain chocolate not very unlike that of my own. His face remained emotionless , but when he started to speak his voice sounded much steadier.

"Isabella, I really don't know what to say, think or feel. This is a big surprise for me…I thought I knew everything about you ..now I realize I didn't . I'd never thought you'd lie to me and I don't understand…why didn't you tell me?" He looked me now directly into the eyes.

"Because you were raised... at the beginning of the last century in a **very** different society... to be a gentleman… I was just afraid.." I said unsure whether the past tense was appropriate for the last part.

"Afraid of what? Of me?" He inquired the anger barely audible, but there.

"I was afraid that you would react badly to the idea of me having frenched a woman and stuff…" I admitted honestly but frightened.

He looked me in the eyes once more "listen, Isabella, I am not mad at you because you were with a woman neither because you are… aeh…call yourself ..a..bi..sexual." he looked as if he would rather have bitten his tongue off than speak out the last word but he continued shortly after that " I am just ,well, … hurt that you lied to me."

I looked at him with tear-filled eyes as he sat back down on the sofa , leaving some space between us. " I love you, Bella and nothing could ever change that. That's why I won't lie to you. I am not upset about your .. well your past, although it gives me the feeling that I have to win…no… not have to win…it gives me the feeling that I am somehow part of an comparison I didn't know about. And.. no matter how much I love you, I have to tell you that I really don't understand the..well …concept of this lifestyle you've chosen."

" I need some time to think, Isabella. Could you please…go home?"

With tears in my eyes I started packing my pajama and yesterday's clothes into my bag and walked towards the door. A few feet before it I stopped. "The concept, Edward, is love. No matter what gender, color, believe or look, no matter what background you come from, no matter who or what are, ... and it doesn't matter what any of the others think…as long as you love, -truly, deeply love-, you are not wrong… that's the 'lifestyle', 'the concept' of who I am." I said crying sad as well as angry tears. I opened the door, made two steps and was already closing it when I stopped again. Feeling the urge to say two final things before leaving him to think everything through. "Edward, I love you..."  
"You know, the lion and the lamb, they are much more a part of my 'idea', then they are of society's concepts."

Without waiting for an answer I closed the door, went down the stairs, and out of the house only to see Alice standing outside, close to her car. She had a small smile on her lips and hugged me before opening the door. "Let me drive you home, sweetheart."

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**So, that was edward's reaction. Plz let me know what you think of it.**

**Oh, I kinda "stole" one tiny detail from an episode of the 4th. season of the tv series buffy in this chapter (Disclaimer: Buffy doesn't belong to me either) those of you know what it is, please write a review or send me a pm -everybody who makes the right guess gets the next chapter as a pm about 16 hours before I put it online (I thought that might be a good incentive for you ) -have fun with the guessin'**

**Yours, Becky**


	10. toicfanfatmftw

**Hey, guys. I'm a little disappointed I thought it was going better, now that I get more than 2 reviews but, hm, my story seems to chase the reades away... only 50 people read the last chapter... i really don't know what to change to make this more enjoyable for you..SO PLEASE TELL ME. I really don't wanna abandon this story unfinished. But it's real hard for me to write at the moment. so please, even if you don't have an account here, please review.**

**I'm very glad, however for the 4 reviews I got: Thank you so much bellawish2b, stacie allison, Jocelyn Torrent and especially OECD. I'm happy you still like it. You give me the feeling that i have an obligation to continue.**

**Special thanks to: bellawish2b for liking my speech - even when I was insecure about it and almost deleted it.**

**Oh, and the detail that no one could guess/wanted to guess was the name "isabella". During her whole coming out to him and their talk Edward reffers to her as "Isabella" not "Bella", I saw it similarly on Buffy during Willows coming out .Buffy says "Wil" in a weird way for the whole time instead of her best friends real name. It annoyed me when i watched it the first time, but i found out that people really do that. When I told someone they always(!!) either used my full name the whole time or one of my nicknames that is really short and i do not like. but never my actual name. Well, people freak out insonspicuously sometimes, and i wanted Edward to do that as well.**

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chapter 10 - The one i couldn't find a title for and took me forever to write (toicfatfatmftw)

BPOV

We drove in silence for a few minutes until we pulled up in front of my house. Alice stopped the car, leaned over to my side and brushed the last tears away. "You know Bella, you're right. Love's the only thing that matters. Edward and you, you love each other…that's why, eventually, everything will work out."

"Can you see it work out? I asked.

"I don't have to see it, I know it" she smiled at me, then she was out of the car opening my door and grabbing my bag " Come on Bella, Charlie's waiting"

EPOV

I needed to think about this rather shocking news I had just been told. I thought about a place to go and finally decided on the garden.

I had just begun to replay everything that had happened in my mind when I heard some twigs break in the other end of the garden. I could make out Esme's and Emmett's scent in the distance. So they were back.

"Hey Eddie, Why so glum?"

I felt absolutely not like answering .So I didn't. After a few seconds Emmett started wondering what had happened " Has something happened to Bella? Is she okay? If anyone tried to.." He was every angry now and thought about different ways of killing werewolfs, Mike, Eric, or any unnamed man he didn't even know about but wanted to hurt nonetheless if he had hurt my Angel. He really was the protective brother Bella considered him to be, I realized.

"No Emmett." I brought his fantasies to an abrupt halt. "Nothing happened".

"Well, then why do you look like you are about to kill someone and after that finish yourself off?

"Do I really look like that?" I was surprised. I was a little mad, but not that angry and desperate, was I?

"well, yeah… So Eddibear what's bugging you?"

"Bella. She just told me that this new girl in school,- the redhead Alice mentioned- well..she is Bella's Ex-girlfriend.

"Wow, I SO didn't see that coming.." I had to smile at Emmett's words "Me neither.. I kind of …well she told me I was her first love but now ..well now I found out I'm not." I dropped my shouders.

"So you're like… hurt?" I nodded. "but you shouldn't be! I mean , you can be real proud of yourself here."

"How come?" I was really perplexed by his statement.

"Well YOU " he pointed at me " are now officially a cure for lesbianism and that even though you are a prude, old virgin. Congrats little brother" I growled at him before my expression went emotionless.

"What's wrong?" Emmett really didn't understand my reaction.

"I'm not …what you've said.. "I drew in a breath. "Bella,..she..she says she's a bisexual."

"Cool" was all he said staring in the woods, blocking his thoughts from me. I looked at him a bit irritated, my eyebrows knitted in wonder.

"You'll find it ..cool ,too, in a couple of years.. I promise. "he said smiling. "Now you might be freaked but..you have to see the possibilities" He said similing at me and winikng when I finally understood… I felt really stupid that it had taken me so long..of course this was Emmett I was talking to.. what else could I have expected?? He noticed my annoyance "Right now, your feelings are probably kinda in the way to see that, I guess." Once he noticed that I was back in my depressive-angry mood and no longer mad at him , he put an arm around my shoulders "You know you an talk to me, even seriously, if you want to. But I'm not the expert on emotions and stuff.. Jasper is." He stood up and walked over to said brother who had just appeared in the garden.

Jas POV

I waited until I heard Alice drive away, then I counted up to 100 while breathing evenly to make sure I would stay calm in the next minutes no matter what emotions he throw at me. I went to his room and knocked, there was no answer and after thinking about coming in long enough for Edward to have pick it up if he chose to read my mind , I just opened the door." I think you need somebody to talk to. " When I looked around the room I realized that he wasn't there. I went searching around the house and found him sitting in the garden with Emmett by his side. The second he saw me, Emmett stood up "..Jasper is." He looked back down at Edward and touched his shoulder "You two are going to work that out, I'm sure."

With that he walked over to me, nodded and gave me a pat on the shoulder, which resembled more a hit or a push with the force he always used. " You're better at that emotions and relationships and stuff. Good luck."

"thanx."

I sat down beside him and waited for a few moments in case he wanted to start talking. He didn't. "Edward, I'm not going to talk to you if you don't want me to be here, but I wanted to ask you a question. Do you remember Wesley Miller and Jake Dawson?"

EPOV

When Jasper sat on the ground next to me I expected him to wait for a few moments and then start talking about either one of Alice and his crises or about every single emotion he could pick up from me. He waited at first as I had anticipated but when he started to talk he surprised me.

Did I remember Jake and Wes? How could I not. They had been a couple- in secrecy of course- that was part of my Thursday-evening -biology lecture that I choose the second time I went to college. There had always been rumors about them and when they were caught kissing in a dark alley on a winter's night by a group of half-drunken students who decided to "teach those fags a lesson" they never had a chance to survive. "Yes" Was all I could answer.

"They never had a chance" I noddedand felt a lump in my throat..had something like that had happened to Bella? What was Jasper hinting at?

"I guess today was hard on you, I can feel it, but you need to know that it was much harder for her ."

I could only nod. I still didn't get how I was meant to understand the reminder of the gay couple from the fifties. So I forced my voice to work and asked "How..What did you intent to tell me with the memory ?"

" I just wanted..well..Bella had a relationship probably not unlike this.. I think she might have had a coming out that didn't go well..or maybe someone found out about her..them..I don't really now anything in particular. But I know you should talk to her about it."

"How do you…get this feeling?"

"When you were trying to control your anger she felt... it's kinda hard to describe. She was afraid and sad but it was like she was used to this, her body almost knew what it would be like if things went "not so good" she practically waited for disgust, hatred and rejection. I can't tell you why she felt this but I know that a girl her age just shouldn't feel that. So please talk to her and think about what you're going to say."

He stood up and walked away from me. When he was at the backdoor of the house he turned around and called to me one last time " Alice is back, in case you want to talk to her…"

"I think I'm going to run for a bit. I'll see you all later" with that I started to run into the woods. I definitely needed some time for myself to think everything through.

Bella POV

When I woke up the next morning after about 2 hours of sleep, I hoped to see Edward seated in his usual place wanting to talk to me. But he wasn't there. I checked for letters, sms , even e-mails but there was nothing. What had I expected… he's probably in Alaska by now thinking about the easiest way to tell me the truth, that he felt betrayed and couldn't continue being with me even though he loved me ...or something like that. What had thought? I never deserved him. Now that he knows I lied to him he can see it too. The sadness I felt in every fiber of my being was doubled when I drew back the curtains and saw the sun shining down on this too green town. I wouldn't see him, not even Alice at school today. What a great start for this week was all I could think while making myself ready for school.

When I arrived at Forks High it was only seconds before the start of the lessons and I had to run. I ran with my eyes looking at the floor, so I didn't notice Simone or her red curls until I had bumped into her and knocked her onto the ground with me.

My head was fire red as I mumbled "sorry" while I was trying to stand up from her to give her a chance to do the same. Luckily Mike was there to help us stand up. Wow, I was thankful for Mike's presence.. I guess there really is a first itme for everything.

"Morning Bella. "he smiled at me " from your speed I guess you haven't heard yet."

"Heard what?"

"Mr. Morgan's classes are all canceled until Wednesday. He's sick or something" Eric filled in.

"So Bella, Eric and I were just asking Simone, whether she'd like to have breakfast with us at Tony's.How about you, would you like to join us?" I looked in Simis direction to see her smiling reassuringly at me. "Yeah, I'd like to. But we should get going soon, we don't have that much time." How bad could it be, was all I thought as they nodded and we started walking over to Tony's.

As expected the talk mostly centered around Simone at the breakfast. If she liked the school here, what was her favorite color, did she have siblings and if she had a boyfriend -Eric wasn't the only one who flinched when Simone started to talk about her wonderful boyfriend, but luckily no one noticed. I excused myself for the bathroom and when I came back I was grateful to hear that the topic of discussion had changed. Apparently they were talking about school again, because Mike offered himself as a tutor for the subjects she was behind in -as if Mike even new what had been the topic of the last week in most of the classes. I shook my head unnoticeably as I sat myself down again. Simi's answer to the offer surprised the boys and made me want to run away because of its familiarity " I'll just stick with my human dictionary. No one can beat her." Her smile was wide and . I loved it.

"What do you mean?" Eric asked puzzled.

"Well, I mean the girly geek with all the A's on the report" She answered casually, when she noticed that the guys still didn't get it she sighed. "Bell". Little did she know about the great absence of A's on my last report or in tests in general since I came to Forks.

"Bella??" Mike asked surprised, then he turned towards me "When were you a geek? "

"Before I came here. I was, well, different." was all I said in a neutral tone.

"How? "

"I might tell you that some other time, but right now we have to get back to school." I pointed at the clock on the wall.

"Oh, Okay" Mike and Eric mumbled in unison . Sim just gave me a weird look which I choose to ignore.

.

.

The next hours flew by as I tried to figure out what to say to Edward in case he gave me a last chance to talk to him. I just hoped he wouldn't leave without telling me. By the time it was lunch break I was deep in thought again and felt as horrible as I had in the morning. A few steps before the cafeteria someone grabbed my arm and guided me out onto the schoolyard. It was Simone. When we had reached a bench in the sun she sat down and motioned for me to do the same.

"You look really not okay, what happened? "she asked with much concern in her voice.

"Yesterday, I told him"

"You mean Edward?"

"Yes, I told him and he asked me to go home afterwards. I ..He said he needed to think."

" So he skipped school today to avoid you and you're sad about that? " Simi asked.

"Kinda, he's just ..very old-fashioned , you know. and usually when he's not coming to pick me up in the morning, he leaves a message or calls me. He didn't do that today." I said in a melancholy voice.

"Even if he's old fashioned and needs time to think… that's no nice.. not right. Not how you deserve to be treated" She brushed two tears from my cheek. "Do you want me to talk to him? I could be the obsessed and crazy ex-girlfriend if you want me to. Or I could be the reasonable woman that knows the scene and answeres the questions." Sim offered with a smile on her lips.

" Thanks, but no. I just need to give him time and maybe he won't hate me."

"oh honey, I'm so sorry for you. I can't say everything will be all right .. I just can't promise you that, cuz you know people sometimes…but I really hope that everything will be fine." She put her left arm around me and handed me a plastic cup "diet coke with a splash of lime juice-just as you like it. I thought it would light up your mood"

"Thanks" I smiled at her, taking the cup and drinking a bit. I was feeling way to comfortable with her at my side in the sun, Her body so close to me. But this was definitely a friendship-thing so I was allowed to love it.

"And I brought some pizza, one of the many, many different and tasty dishes the cafeteria of this great school had to offer."

"You're being sarcastic."

"Yeah, you're right. It was the only edible thing. This cafeteria is by all means worse than the old one in Phoenix" she laughed.After a moment she continued "So, and now you're going to explain to me how come you are like ..how you are now."

I gave her a questioning look.

"Don't give me that look, darlin', you now what I mean. But I can speak it out for you: what happened to your make-up, your hair, your clothes and most importantly what happened to your savvy?"

"I .. I just wanted a fresh start. A simple one. I wouldn't have gotten that with heavy make-up and black clothes and stuff."

"oh, I see. But this "she threw her hands in my direction "this jeans- bright shirt- no make-up kind of girl you're now .That can't solve the math problems herself and never raises her arm in class. That's so average…so not you." she shook her head. "This is definitely not you."


	11. Bella of the past pt1 who am I?

**Hey guys, I'm happy that you still like my story. Thank you for the reviews they are what keeps me going.  
Special thanx to midnight for leaving his/her first anonymous review -I hope you continue enjoying this story.**

**This is the first part of a 2 part chapter.I will update in 7 days at latest, if i get some incentive maybe earlier. The house Which is described in this chapter is meant to look like the very cute one that is part of the videoclip to Dido's song "Thank you". Of course I own neither the song nor twilight -just that you lawyers now.**

**Okay, on with the story:**

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"_So, and now you're going to explain to me how come you are like ..how you are now."_

_I gave her a questioning look_

_"Don't give me that look darlin', you now what I mean. But I can speak it out for you: what happened to your make-up, your hair, your clothes and most importantly what happened to your savvy?"_

_"I just wanted a fresh start. A simple one. I wouldn't have gotten that with heavy make-up and black clothes and stuff."_

_"oh, I see. But this "she threw her hands in my direction "this jeans- bright shirt- no make-up kind of girl you're now .That can't solve the math problems herself and never raises her arm in class. That's so average…so not you." she shook her head._

Chapter 11 part 1 - Bella of the past (who am I?)

"But it's easier this way.. And ..and maybe this is who I really am "I shrugged, my voice sounded way too uncertain and defeated to convince someone like Simone.

"I don't believe this .And I know you don't either.."

"Can we maybe talk about this later, Simone? The break is almost over and I still need to answer 2 questions for Spanish so.. "Okay, but that's exactly my point. You used to have the longest and best thought through homework not a two sentence answer you scribbled down 5 minutes before the start of the lesson . But okay, we can talk later, I see you in P.E."

After school had finally ended the sky was clouded again, and much to my relief I found a flashy Volvo in the parking space I had left my truck hours before. Edward came to pick me up. I was so happy but then my heart constricted with fear as I realized that he might have come to finally break up with me as well. My fear rose as I neared the car, but then the door opened and revealed that my favorite Cullen girl was the driver . I could also see that no one else accompanied her.

"Hey, Bella "she said, walking over to hug me." I'm so sorry I'm not the one you hoped for but …I thought…"

"Is he not coming back?" I interrupted her because I just needed to know. "Honey, don't worry. He will be back, he's just..well over thinking some things…but I guarantee you that he will be back. Probably even tonight. okay?"

"Bell, you still owe me that talk!" I could hear Simone call out from behind be.

"I know, well maybe we could spend some girls time soon and maybe you could show me where you live?"

"How about now, I mean ..would that be okay for you?"

"I guess." I shrugged. I didn't really feel like explaining my change, but I didn't want to be alone today either.

"She knows? " Sim asked looking in Alice's direction.

"Not what I looked like, but the rest, yeah."

"Hey, Alice, right? "

"Yep" Alice said walking the two steps over to Simone.

"Would you like to spend some girl time with us? Maybe we can help each other to get a full picture of our best friend ."

"Yeah, sure..What do you mean? " Alice asked , knitting her forehead and eyebrows in fake wonder. She had probably seen everything that would happen today.

"I'll show you a photograph of Bella when we're at my place. Then you'll probably understand."

"Okay. So where do you live?"

" A bit out of town, but you could just follow my car."

"Good, Bella, Let's get started" Alice rushed to the car and opened a door for me.

"See you soon, Sim." I called to her walking over to her car. "Alice, human pace, please!"

"Sorry, but I'm just so excited… I mean I've just been invited over to someone from school. that never happens" I cleared my throat "You are an exception of course, aren't you always? She smiled at me."I guess".

The car ride was silent for the most part but once alice broke the silence " I know he's trying not to freak out and so on and really thinking stuff through but not not even leaving you any kind of message is just incredible. I mean, here you are the love of his existence as he sas and you trust him nd he's an ass. Sorry" she said letting her shoulders fall after the engraged monolouge.

5 minutes later we stopped in front of an little house. It looked so beautiful, almost fairytale-like. The house was mildly lavender colored with faint-yellow door- and window-frames. There was a lot of green in front of the lawn and one could only guess how colorful and amazing the garden must look.  
Alice and I got out of the car and when we met Simone at the front door we were just speechless. "Welcome to my home, girls!"

After a guided tour through the house we finally found our voice back. At the exact same moment we started "cute. Really its awesome." Alice stated while I was only able to bring out an "wow. luv it". Simone just smiled and showed us back to the kitchen.

After a raid of the fridge -Alice excused herself, she had just eaten on her way to pick me up - we entered Simone's room and made ourselves comfortable on the large bed.

"Alice, you need to see this" Simi squealed grabbing a framed photograph from her desk. "This" she said handing the black-haired girl the picture " is the Bell I know."

Alice stared at the picture intently then she looked in my direction to compare the image with me. Her mouth stood open.

I knew exactly which picture it would be. Me with really long hair ,partly braided, partly open, in a crimson red corsage with black lace and an ankle-long black skirt, fake nose ring and real lip piercing. The look was accompanied by my very black colored eyelids and slightly smudgy red lipstick. To my left was Simone wearing a black, very tight ,short dress and less make up than me. Her red curls falling everywhere. She was sticking her tongue out so that everyone could see her piercing. The photo had been taken on a birthday party of one of Simone's friends. It was a party which all the outcast attended, and after a couple of drinks (in my case it had been one cocktail too much) the vegans, punks, goths, gays (for once in a while we weren't the only ones) emos and computer nerds found out that they had at least one subject to talk about beside the music -surviving at the different Phoenix High schools when you don't belong to the rich and popular ones. It was one of the best times I had in my life and , just like Simone, I really loved remembering it.

Alice still stared at me open-mouthed to I decided to make it easy for her to say something " Not what you expected, huh?"

"Most definitely not." Was all the vampire could answer.

"There's one question I have been dying to ask since I saw you this Friday. Can I please ask before we talk about anything else?" Simi asked making puppy eyes .

"Sure."

"Why did you cut of your hair ? I mean you loved it, it took you years till it reached your belly-button. How could…Why did you do this?"

I hesitated for moment unsure of what to say. If I said the truth I would make a fool out of myself, if I didn't Simone would know it and keep asking me forever. What the hell ," Because of you" Simone looked at me, puzzled. "You liked it. You used to braid it, remember ? Sure I loved my hair, but it..huh..it reminded me too much of you, of us. Forks was a fresh start. I just felt it was the necessary thing to do." I explained with tears in my eyes.

"Oh." Simone looked at the ground, her voice was sad and I could feel that she was really afraid to ask the next question." Is this why you changed that other stuff too. The good grades, the make-up, the outfit ?"

I wanted to contradict immediately but then I found myself thinking about it once more. Was everything just because of her? What had been my motives- I tried to remember . When I drew a deep breath in after a minute maybe, I felt Alice's fingers draw circular patterns on my back calming and reassuring me.

"Partly it was. But mostly I just.. well I just wanted not to be noticed. I'd had enough of being yelled at, being made fun of, of being the freak in Phoenix. I didn't think I'd have the power to ..well to be myself here. I just wanted to be a part of..well I just wanted to belong somewhere. I mean there was no niche in our old school for me to survive in- and we were so much more students, there …there was just no possibility I'd find one here."I pause for a short moment." So I started being average, or I tried. And suddenly people talked to me -not just on my first day but regularly. People wanted to be my friend..and then Edward. He liked this girl I was or were starting to be. And he still considered me special. I like that. I feel like I belong here." I confessed with more and more tears in my eyes.

Nobody spoke and after a few moments Alice pulled me into her lap and hold me. She was trying to calm me and I could tell from the expression on her face that she would have cried if she had been able to. I think I heard her whisper to me but I wasn't sure. What I believed to have made out sounded somewhat like "no matter what, no matter who you are or want to be. I'm with you" I was sure that she spoke the last part to me but the first part could just as well have been her breath close to my ear.

"You know what? I'm tired, half of the people I know don't really like me. They don't even really care about me. Maybe it is time that I start not caring about them either. The others..they are my real friend like Angela for example, they will accept me either way, right?" I said getting out of Alice's comfortable embrace and standing up beside the bed.

"I guess, but you don't have to do anything, Bell. Not because I'm here. You just have to be comfortable with yourself. and right now I imagine you to be like wincing every morning you put on a crazy colored shirt like that" Simone replied smiling and pointing at the yellow shirt with the red and orange orange print of a cartoon mouse on it. She was right I hated that shirt.

Alice throw her arms up defensively "That's not my fault .I didn't by that shirt." It was true. the spuposively funny shirt had been a gift from Charlie. "But you go shopping with her ?" Simone inquired. And I could just feel what she was planning. I had to stop it because I was sure I wouldn't be able to survive a shopping marathon with both of this crazy women. "Stop, please. There's no need to go shopping . I still have most of my clothes. Plus I thought I'd not overdo it for now. Okay?"

"You have black clothing? Where? you never showed me? "Alice was pouting now.

"You're cute when you do that" I babbled out without thinking. The result was that my head became red in the very instant I realized what I had just said. Thanks to some higher power Simone helped me out. "So, where do you hide your clothing?"

"In an unpacked box under my bed. My mom send them to me, but I never opened them." I answered honestly, my face color becoming more natural.

"Maybe we can go get you some new clothes some other time" Simone said looking hopeful. "Yeah" was all I could say, I knew it was just a matter of time 'til either of them forced me to some mall, so postponing was all I could do. "So, girls tell me, what is Arizona, well Phoenix like ?" Alice motioned for us to come and sit back on the bed and so we did.

Two hours later , after much talk, fun and me promising 20 times that I would at least try to go back to being the know-it-all-geek I once was for better chances at university and after about a billion reminder that we would have to go shopping soon, Alice and Simone had bonded and we needed to leave.

Alice drove me home and was smiling all the time. She was really happy about the way things went today. "I'm glad you get along so well. I probably would have died a little death if I had to split my "girl time" between you two."

"I'm glad too, I really am Bell. Simone's a really nice girl."

"So you're gonna call me "Bell" now too?"

"That's okay with you. I thought about asking you.. so I know it's okay. What I don't know is what you're going to look like tomorrow. You still haven't decided and I'm curious."

"I guess you are. I just have to find some "everyday-goth" clothing before I can really decide. I promise you tough that my make-up won't look anything like on the photo."

"Good to know. Cause I was about to bring some make-up remover with me." She smiled. "So here we are" she said stopping the car in front of my truck. "Can you see if he'll be here?"I asked unsure about my preferences when it came to the answer. "He'll be here soon, I just can't tell you a time because that part is constantly changing in my visions."

"Thank you Alice, for everything" I hugged her before opened the door and got out of the car.

"No problem. I'll see you tomorrow, bye." Alice said, closing the door behind me and driving away.


	12. 11 pt2 no quiere recordarme

**Hey everybody , I hope your going to enjoy this. No matter if you do, or not, I'd be happy about a review. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own twilight or any of its characters**

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chapter 11pt 2 - Bella of the past -no quiere recordarme (I don't want to remember)

Bella POV

After a short dinner with Charlie I went up into my room and opened the window hoping and fearing that Edward would be back soon and come talk to me. To pass my time until then I quickly read the required chapters for biology and even took my time to make some notes. After that I started my computer and worked a bit with a special program to learn my spanish vocabulary. I decided to end it the moment the loudspeaker jelled a happy "good job" at me. I looked at my watch and saw that it was still way to early to go to bed. But what could I do? I came up with an idea to find out whether Edward would come soon or not without letting myself beg Alice for info on his mood or plans. I felt a bit weird when I stood in the middle of my room speaking out loud, but I did it nonetheless "Alice, I just decided to ask you, so you should be able to see this but since I' m uncertain about how to let you know I'll, speak this out loud. I would like you to come over in case you know that Edward won't show up tonight. If it is uncertain or he comes very late, could you please come here as well? Pretty please, cause I'm bored. I'll take a shower and if your not here after that I guess he will be. bye" I felt really childish after having done that but I just couldn't go downstairs and ask her to come over with a phone call while Charlie was here. Sure, she was Alice, but it was still a school night and almost 9p.m.

Jasper POV

I was just telling Alice how much I had missed her and that I was planning on spending the weekend with her alone in Seattle when I realized that she wasn't really listening to me. I looked at her and saw that she was having a vision. After a few seconds it was over and she started laughing while running out of the room.

"Alice, where are you going?"

"To Bell ."

"But what about our evening and what about Seattle?" I felt really disappointed to be left alone so quickly after I told her how lonely I had felt all day.

"Well, talk later honey, I'll probably be back around eleven." She called out of the garage ,already starting her car.

Bella POV

When I came back into my room I immediately saw Alice lying on my bed looking perfect in a short red dress and a thin black scarf that had exactly the color of her hair. I felt really unworthy of her beautiful presence even though I was wearing my newest nightie, it was darkblue satin and barely reached my knees and even though I knew that she would have accepted me also in one of my old oversized and holey white shirts.

"Hey Bell, come take a seat" she said , thumping on a place next to her.

"Hey, nice dress." I said , lowering myself onto the bed . " You like it? " I nodded "I have something for you that you'll like even more" With that she pulled out a little black box from behind her back and handed it to me. I was about to protest but she pressed a finger onto my mouth. "You're going to like it, no protests. I kinda bought it for myself mostly, so please?" She made puppy-eyes and I just couldn't refuse her wish. But I knotted my eyebrows in wonder of what she meant exactly, still I mumbled an "okay" against her fingers ,she withdrew it and smiled. "now open up" when I opened the box I saw a small black cell phone that looked really expensive. " So you can just call me, or whatever and don't have to talk to yourself " She grinned and I felt my blood stream directly into my face. I wanted to protest about the money she spend, when a much simpler cell would also have done but she took my hand in hers and I immediately lost my train of thoughts.

"So, you tell me about it now, or very soon and ..I just want you to know that you can stop, whenever you want to. " she stared at my hand in hers and I did the same. She was right I had considered telling her about the 'bad stuff' that happened more than a year ago, but did I really want to tell her now? A quote from one of the Spanish short stories I read in Phoenix came to my mind "No quiere recordarme porque estas memorias me lastiman" I don't want to remember because these memories hurt me. How true. "it's okay, I just need a minute , okay?" I looked at her.

" There's not too much to tell really, it's just like …well 3 ..ehm..'episodes' or 'events' that really belong to this bad things category. " I started to explain how my Spanish teacher , a very catholic latinamerica woman in her fourties had thrown me out of her class 6 week before the finals after hearing that I was having a girlfriend. "But she couldn't do that, I mean you haven't like manipulated her lessons or something. " Alice throw in angrily.

"I thought so too, but when I went to the headmaster he told me that Mrs Sombras was only the mother of a student and helped out on a voluntary basis until my former teacher returned from his sabbatical. And since she found it impossible to teach someone who was 'living against the laws of god and the laws of morality' as she put it , there was nothing I or my headmaster could do."

"Well, you must have done something, or did you fail that class?"

"No, I was one of the best students and since it was certain that Mr Lagores would be back in time for the finals -devil know why he choose to do all those corrections- I just had to learn for myself and make a written homework once a week that was corrected by a teacher from a high school we sometimes cooperated with. In the end I got my A on the report so that was not the problem… but all this trouble I had and how I had to justify my relationship in front of a teacher, only to be treated like I had an incurable and contagious disease… it made me so angry and sad at the same time. " I shook my head, feeling the anger boil in me once again.

"But that was bearable. The students were worse.There were like two groups of students who really bullied us, or especially me when I was even more so a freak because of the way I started to dress. The first group was religious people who constantly told us that we'd go to hell and didn't deseve to live and stuff. The second group, it was mostly popular girls , I think , they kind of ..it wasn't enough for them to just make up ugly rumors like Laureen does, ..they wanted to ..I don't really know, I guess they wanted to see me really down or something. So they made this flyer, it looked like one of those "wanted" flyer you see sometime…" I explained with anger and the memory of humiliation probably audible in my voice. "well on it was a photomontage of two porn actresses kissing and touching each other, they had our heads and the text below that … it was kind of a warning ..that the two of us were like insatiable sex monster who try to grope or rape every girl that we consider beautiful..and things like that…. it was just unbelievable. ...Then one of those popular girls told everyone that I groped her during calisthencis in P.E….." I trailed unable to continue . I wiped the angry tears away and drew in a deep breath. When I was relatively sure that my voice would at least enable me to speak a few sentences I continued. "As you can imagine nobody talked to me anymore after that. I was a freak and people despised me without having ever made an effort to get to know me. What hurt me the most was that even the few people I used to talk, that knew , or could have known that I would never do anything like that, started to avoided me…" I took a few deep breaths "I never had many friends but then.. I never felt so alone like I did then, when Simone wasn't beside me. I guess it was easier for her…"

"Why do you think so?" Alice asked , moving an arm around my waist, pulling me to lean my head and shoulders onto her.

"Simone just knows people. She had a nice circle of friends, real friends. And from those eleven guys and girls 7 never even considered believing this shit and 2 restarted talking to her after a couple of days ,after they'd thought everything through. ..And she was never attacked." I started crying again as a very haunting memory crept into my thoughts, unable to speak I just clung to Alice, sobbing, thankful for the comfort her arms provided. After a few minutes I had calmed down a bit. and started explaining something less depressing.

"I listend to really depressive music and wore more and more black clothing . I somehow started to like it, it just emphasized how unlike the others , this happy, tanned, perfect, rich and popular girls I was. There were 2 Goths at our school and one day, the girl talked to me about what music I liked and stuff, it was weird cuz no one had talked to me in the 2 weeks before. We got along okay and sometimes had fun frightening the others, like by telling these Barbies in our biology class weird rumors about us which they promptly enlarged and made everyone hate us even more...although that wasn't really possible. It was strenuous but sometimes it felt real good . Plus simone thought I looked hot in corsages." I smiled briefly.

Alice chose then to ask me what I had meant by 'attacked' before and for a moment I got terribly scared and felt that I really didn't want to answer her. Then I felt her lips close to my ear as she whispered "it's okay, you don't have to tell me. If you want to…I'm with you…whatever happened ..those people can't hurt you …I protect you, I promise" Her whisper had calmed me a bit and sooner than I thought myself able to I began to tell her the horror story. I felt completely detached from myself and my voice sounded foreign and emotionless ."It was on a Friday, after school. I had to stay longer to discuss a biology project with my teacher. When we were done I walked down the halls to get to the bus station, I somehow felt like I was followed, but I thought my mind played tricks on me. When I turned a corner in the old building I realized I was right, someone had been following me, they were two guys, both older than me and tall and they had me surrounded. **( an: so tempted to leave it here but I couldn't)**

I tried to put some distance between us but I realized soon that I was only inches away from a wall." I stared out of the window when I continued unable to watch Alice's horrid expression. "They stared at me and said "isn't that this freaky lesbo? I think she is'- the other replied ', well are you ?' the first one said leaning closer. I was unable to think,…I .. I think I just nodded and he came closer and just ..well sneered at me 'you know what's the problem with you? You've never been taken by a real man. if you just try it often enough it will feel right, I promise.' He winked at me and I tried to move away and touched the wall. I felt sharp things sticking out of the wall and tried not to move, but then he grabbed me around my hip and my shoulder and pushed me against the wall.. two of these nails I had tried to avoid pierced into my skin and I screamed, he took me and pushed me against another wall, groped my butt and told his friend how much he's going to enjoy my great ass. He , he grounded his hips against mine as I continued screaming but he just laughed, 'honey that part comes later " he winked again. when I wouldn't stop screaming he hit me."I paused, exhausted from going through this horrible afternoon once again.  
" Then some janitor guy called from a different hall and came over, they let me go- I dropped on the floor and the one that had watched ran away but the other ..he leaned down to me 'Well maybe some other time, oh and if I were you I wouldn't talk ' he winked one more time and ran away . The janitor called an ambulance -- I think - because I was bleeding where the nails had pierced me and my cheek was turning purple… the marks are still there, somehow they just don't fully heal"

After a few moments Alice had found her voice back and was able to keep most of the horror out of her voice -I guess she didn't want me to feel bad for telling her. "That's really harsh, I'm sorry that happened to you.." she drew calming patterns on my back . After a few minutes she turned her body a bit towards me and tried to look me in the eyes "Would it be okay if….could you..sorry. Can I see them?" she appeared to be nervous for my answer, probably afraid that I would restart crying and deny her. I couldn't so I turned onto my belly and took my nightie over my head. "One is just under my left shoulder , the other on my lower back pretty far away from my spine. ..I guess I was lucky"

"They almost look like birthmarks." She said touching the first and then moving her hand slowly down my spine , caressing the soft skin on the lower of my back and finally the little round scar. Her touch send shivers trough my body and made my hairs stand . "You're cold" Alice misinterpreted it and I wasn't sure whether to be sad about it , or not. After a few moments I decided to put my nightgown on again. Alice put her arms around me and hold me for a few minutes after I had turned around again . When I started yawning she laid me under the blankets "Its almost midnight, I think you need some sleep now, Bell."

"Mhm" was all I replied as I drifted of into sleep.

Alice POV

Bell was asleep within seconds. She looked so peaceful when she slept , her face especially peaceful in contrast to the fear, anger and sadness that had had dominated her expression during the last few hours. She really had been through a lot. 'and she thinks you're cute!' a part of my mind screamed at me for probably the 30th time today. I had gotten used to blanking it out.

Without any command from me, my body moved closer and closer to Bella's neck and her cervical artery. I could smell her blood it was flowery and would definitely taste wonderful. I leaned closer and it might have looked like I was about to devour her but I am no monster . So I tried to please the beast inside me as well as the soul I still believed to be there and placed a soft kiss on her pulse. "sleep well" was all I whispered as I left the room, by jumping out of the window. I ran into the woods trying to get in control of my thoughts in case Edward would be near.

third person pov

Alice was so caught up in the moment that she hadn't realized that from just outside Bella's roon two surprised eyes where watching her attentively as she placed the soft kiss, so full of longing on the other girl's neck. Then, without a sound the person jumped of the tree and sped home.

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**Please leave a review and tell me what you think about it. Oh, who might that person be? come on, guys speculate.**


	13. heaven

**Hey guys, Thank you so much beloved reviewers. Two of you got it right, 2 wrong and AllyR didn't leave a guess (but i'm very thankful for the review& the fact that you like it !!).**

**So congratulations to -drumroll- Jocelyn Torrent and WeasleyWeakness- you guessed right, it was Jasper!**

**So that's why this whole chapter is Jasper POV. I hope you guys like it. A fair warning though: all of you who consider themselves emotional, or a great Jasper -fan/addict, you might need a hanky ( I, in fact needed 2 while writing it).**

**Please leave a review and tell me what you think. You're free to flame me if I got Jasper wrong.**

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Previously:

…"Alice, where are you going?"

"To Bell ." "But what about our evening and what about Seattle?" I felt really disappointed to be left alone so quickly after I told her how lonely I had felt all day.

"Well, talk later honey, I'll probably be back around eleven." She called out of the garage ,already starting her car.

…

3rd pers POV

Alice was so caught up in the moment that she hadn't realized that from just outside Bella's roon two surprised eyes where watching her attentively as she placed the soft kiss, so full of longing on the other girl's neck. Then, without a sound the person jumped of the tree and sped home.

Chapter 12 - heaven

Jasper POV

I just couldn't believe it. I had told Alice how much I had missed her and that I wanted us to spend more time together. I had hoped to make us feel closer again by just enjoying some time alone - a full weekend in one of Seattle's finest hotels, with shopping and watching a movie and just talking and being close- but she wasn't even interested enough in my plans to let Bella wait 2 or 3 minutes to hear my plans. Bella wanted to spend time with her and she sped of immediately , I wanted to find out what had happened to our usual closeness in the last few days and she postponed talking.

And wasn't even here on time. 'around eleven' Alice had said and she was always on time. Now it was 23:28 and I couldn't even feel her nearing home. Neither had she answered the sms I send her at 23:17, asking her where she was. Had I become that unimportant to her? I have been her husband for so many years now, how could I have become so insignificant that she let me wait? Was she even at Bella's ? Or did she have…I just couldn't bring myself to end the thought…

I was so caught up in my disappointment and sadness and jealousy that it took me 5 more minutes to realize that she was with Bella. BELLA, the most clumsy human and greatest danger magnet I have ever met. Knowing her, I felt horribly guilt for my thoughts about Alice's view of me. She didn't stand me up because she wasn't interested in being with me, she was probably just driving Bella to an emergency room, talking to some doctors or examining and bandaging some wounds herself. Or maybe Edward had finally come back and my love was helping him not mess up things even more. She was helping. And here I was her 'loving and trusting ' husband thinking the unthinkable and accusing my wonderful wife … I am such a jerk.

After a few minutes of intense self-loathing I decided to run over to Bella's. Maybe I could somehow be of help and reduce my hatred against myself a bit. I ran for a few moments and slowed down as I reached the street. Edward was back, I could feel it from outside the house…the emotions were just so fitting and so intense so 'Bella and Edward' : sadness, comfort, longing, a bit of blood lust and self loathing that was uniquely Edward, and of course the love. The strongest emotion of all, as always. But it was somewhat different tonight, probably because of the drama they just left behind themselves. They were really made for each other, at least emotion-wise , every Empath in my place -and it didn't matter if there were thousands more than me or only one -every one would agree.

I was already turning around again, guessing that Alice would probably be on her way home now, when I realized that her car was still standing in front of the house. I wondered why, but didn't waste another thought and just jumped on the tree in front of Bella's window. I looked into the room and hold the unnecessary breath I had just drawn in … I just couldn't believe it. Edward wasn't in the room, not even in the house. No, there was only Alice, my love, my life, my everything, covering Bella in blankets and kissing her goodnight . Love and longing were coming of her in waves so strong that I almost fell off the tree. I couldn't keep watching or wait and listen to any thing, any words of love and reassurance that she might whisper into her ear. I just had to leave. So I jumped and ran to the house I was no longer willing to call my home. I ran upstairs into my room- our room- and started packing up books and cloths and anything I would need into 2 bags. I wanted to run away before her indifference towards me could hurt my breaking heart any more, but I just couldn't .

'What if she's in love with both of us?', a voice in my head throw in,

'maybe there's still a chance..' said another. So I decided to wait. I wanted to know how she felt about me. Plus, she had a right to know why I left , she deserved to be told in person.

'and you would have deserved to be told about her feelings in person and not ..find out yourself!' an angry voice in my head screamed at me. It was probably right , but that didn't give me the right to leave. So I waited for about 2 more minutes , before Alice entered our room. The love she usually projected at me when she entered a room I was in ,was not there. Just a little disappointment and guilt, both mingled with bits of desperation. When she looked into my eyes I felt the usual love and happiness but only in a tenth of its ordinary intensity. That was all I needed to know. I stood up from the bed, took my bags and made the few steps over to her. In this time she had a vision and when I felt her sadness, I wanted to sob. I wanted to be able to cry for I was leaving the love of my existence and with her the reason for it and she knew and still her pain and sadness were bearable. It was official; I just wasn't good enough . I had been in heaven, she had saved me from hell, showed me what it meant to love… only to leave me now, probably to teach me the hardest lesson- 'love hurts'.

I wanted to cry but I knew I shouldn't and couldn't , because even if it hurt me now so deeply that I was not sure of my survival, I should be happy. I had killed so many, caused so much pain, I was monster, but for some reason she still fell in love with me so many years ago without me ever making use of my gift. I had never deserved her or the happy heaven she offere, so there was no sense in hurting her now by making her feel guiltier than she already was or by showing her how shattered I was. She deserved to be happy.

I knew she had already seen everything in her vision, but still I needed to say at least a few of the things I had in my head out loud… otherwise I would feel like a coward forever.

So I leaned close to her, my forehead against hers and started to whisper " You are the most wonderful person I have ever met. You are beautiful beyond any description, you are funny, creative, caring and so smart. You deserve all the good in the world. I love you so much … but I want you to be happy. You changed my life into the most wonderful … You did more than I ever could have hoped for, you showed me heaven. I want to give it to you so badly, but now I know that I can't , at least not any more… I just can't stand in the way. " I had to pause, because my emotions were making it impossible for me to speak. After a few moments I forced myself to continue.

"In case they are angry or demand an explanation… just tell them it was my fault, okay? It's easier for you and for them, to make me the bad guy. I always was, and I don't mind as long as it makes them not force you to tell things you don't want to talk about. Your situation is hard enough , so the last thing for me to do here is help you . Because there is just no way for me to ever repay you. This is all I can do. And I promise you , if you ever ,ever need help, if you need me… I'll be there…"

"I'll be somewhere, probably Island for a while and then I think I'll go to Alaska... No matter what, you can always reach me on my cell, okay? I'll always be there when you need me. I love you" With that I hugged her for the last time. Then I pressed a soft kiss on her lips, trying to memorize how they felt, before I stepped back and walked to the door.

"Wait." Alice said, her face showing uncertainty and sadness. "I love you. Bell is just..just a...a crush I have. She doesn't feel that way, so there's still a chance for us right? We can make it work.. I…I ..can…s…see it work." I coul feel her desperation. But even more I could feel how her heart broke when she spoke about Bella. It showed me what I had to do: I just didn't know how to form the words. But I had to try, and so I did.

"No, that's not true. You can't. About…sorry..you know me, know me better than anyone. Would I be leaving if there was nothing...no…no chance for you?"

"What do you mea--"she stopped suddenly realizing what I had talked about. When she started to feel hope..hope about her and Bella I couldn't take it any more, I just had to leave, to stand at least a small chance of surviving this. But first I had to make sure that she understood completely.

" It's … I can't tell you how she feels for Edward, or anyone else at the moment. But I can tell you that she … th…the love and ..longing.. that came from both of you. This… I.. its… consider it my goodbye -gift. I know you like it, so I'll leave now." I went to the stairs and forced my voice to bring out four more word  
" Be safe, my love. " and with that I ran out of the house, barely hearing Alice responding quietly

" Thank you, I love you. good bye" before collapsing on the floor , dry-sobbing.


	14. emotions

**Surprise you guys! This is my seond update within one day, I hope you like it. Thank you so much for your reviews :Jocelyn Torrent, yaya122 (i brought this up so quick, so you can see it goes on with e/b), AllyR and WeasleyWeakness (that would have been too much an emmett reaction, wouldn't it?) .**

**To potterhead0013's question: There will definetly be BellaXAlice moments from now on, but if this is the final pairing, i really don't know. But at the moment it looks like it a lot don't you think?**

**Disclaimer: I don't own nothing. Not the characters, not the band shirts, not the songs mentioned...it's pretty simple really.**

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chapter 13 -emotions

Bella POV

The next morning I woke up at 5:15 -way too early for school , today even more so, since the first lesson was cancelled. I groaned, rolled to my side and tried to sleep again. After less than five minutes I realized that the situation was hopeless, I was tried but my body didn't want to sleep without the usual cold next to me. I stood up and realized that I would probably need at least a part of my extra time for finding clothes. I pulled three boxes out from under my bed and opened them. When I took all the different articles of clothing out and laid them separately on the floor I felt like I had been send back into my time before Forks. The item my eyes lingered on the longest time, was one that I had almost never worn in Phoenix, but was one of my favorites still -a black knee long leather coat that Renée had bought me as a reward for my first A in calculus. In Phoenix it had usually been to hot to wear it, but it fit perfectly the weather of an average summer-day in Forks. I decided to wear it immediately. In order to not completely shock the innocent students and teachers of Forks High I had decided to wear a light blue jeans to one of my shirts.-after all it was supposed to be an "everyday-goth-outfit" and not an "I scare you away". The trouble was only which shirt to choose. There were those tops that were out for obvious reason -on of them being my "Equal-opportunity-dater" shirt on which a cartoon girl was holding hands with a boy and a girl and said phrase under it- Others were just not fitting for school -corsages, see-throughs , things with lace and so on. In the end there were only four black band shirts left. One simply showed the logo of Evanescence, another one the heartagram from HIM with beige roses, the third was Nightwish -shirt and the last had a bold white print that said "Ain't nuthin' but as goth thing" it was my favorite Marilyn Manson shirt. In the end I decided on the Evanescence -shirt hoping that no one would ask too much questions about who that was. After showering and washing my hair I took my time making myself ready for school. It was the first time that Alice and all of my other friends would see me the way I used to be and I really wanted to not disappoint her, aehm them.

When I was finally done with straightening my hair and putting on kohl, mascara and a bit of eye shadow , I went downstairs only to see that I still had more than one and half an hour before math would begin. I was about to switch on the tv when I heard a knock on the door. I was wondering who would come to visit so early and when I opened the door I knew that the answer should have been obvious. Edward was standing there, looking rather shy.

"Morning Bella, how are you?" He asked awkwardly standing in the door.

"Morning, I've been better, I've been worse. I guess I'm okay. come in" I answered equally awkward.

"Bella, could we maybe talk?" He asked uncertain . "Maybe we should sit down" When those words left his lips and we walked over to the couch I was more certain than ever that he would break up with me . I sat down close to him, but not touching him. I didn't want to force myself onto him, nor be distant, I just didn't know what to do.

"Bella, I've thought about things and I realized that even though I'm hurt that you lied to me -you're still my Bella. I still love you. But I think I need time and I need to know a few things…if that's okay with you." He looked at me and I just nodded. I was happy that he still loved me, after all I just wanted to be loved.

"Do you still love me?"

"Edward, of course I do. I really love you." He smiled at that.

He cleared his throat before starting rather abruptly :"Has something bad happened to you , after your coming out, what I mean is.. aehm did someone .. I don't know. Jasper has this theory that you are used to bad reactions about you being..well you know.. bisexual. And I would really like to know if that's.." he stammered uncomfortably.

"It is true." I simply answered his first question. Then I gave Edward short summaries about what I had just told Alice hours ago. But unlike her he didn't want to know about details, didn't react angry about what had happened and he didn't try to comfort me. Maybe he didn't even notice how hard it was for me to speak about these things because I tried to keep my voice even. The only reaction he showed was a regular nod at my words and the flexing of a few muscles every now and then showed a bit of anger rising, but it was really little.

Had I told him that Mike had asked me out for a date his reactions would have been ten times stronger. When I was done talking we sat in silence for a few minutes, before he said:

" I'm sorry that happened to you. Simone should have protected you. She didn't. I promise I will always keep you save. Always. You are just really important to me"

I expected him to lay an arm around my shoulder at those words but he didn't. It was good that he didn't because the way he had talked about Simone, almost giving her the fault for everything and making it sound like she didn't care ,had made me quite a bit angry.

"I'm sorry I was away for so long I just ... I had to think things through..and.. I'm sorry"

"I know." I answered not ready to really forgive him yet." Is there another question? " I asked hoping the answer would be no , so that we could try to behave more natural, just be Bella and Edward again.

"Actually there are two more questions..If that's okay with you? Maybe you want to have breakfast first?"

"no, it's okay my stomach can wait."

"I know it's stupid of me to ask, but it's killing me ..that I don't know. Please don't hate me for this."

"Edward" I interrupted him " I don't think that I am capable of really hating you. Could you please just ask?"

"Well, I would like to know how far did you…your relationship ..go.." He drew in a deep unneeded breath before continuing to stutter " I mean…did you….well your physical relationship.." He trailed off unable to form the actual question.

"Do you want to know what happened between Sim and me or do you want to know if I'm a virgin?" I asked straightforwardly . Obviously he was stunned by me asking that and when he finally found his words again, there was so much blood in my head that I almost missed it.

"Both" he answered rather ashamed.

I thought about what to tell him. My anger screamed in my head to tell him to 'go fuck himself cuz the first was none of his buissness', why my calm and loving voice wanted to please him and thought about friendly and vague formulations to explain. In the end i listened to neither voice and just said what came to mind: "I am not going to tell you any details about the sex life Simone and I had, knowing that we had one is really all you need to know. I am not completely sure whether to define myself as a virgin or not. I think rather not., but that's my interpretation, it's not necessary right." He raised an inquisitive eyebrow at that, that really ennerved me, so I just continued without thinking but trying to keep the anger, embarrassment and bitterness out of my voice" I don't know what my physical 'status' is, but I could ask my gynecologist if you want me to. "I succedded only partially. 'Dare he say 'yes' than you finally see how stupid he's treating you' 'He's not stupid, he loves me and if this is important to him... we have to try ' 'He's going to leave us in the end , no matter what i do' the voices in my had were screaming at each other, making me crazy in the process.

Edward had noticed my anger and closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths before he spoke. "I didn't mean to make you angry, please forgive me for this rather rude question." He said in a formal voice.

"You asked, you got your answer. Could we please get to the last question. I still need to eat and drive to school. " I was rather annoyed now, but I tried my best to give Edward the answers that he needed. I just wanted to make us okay again, but I didn't want to be there while it happened.

"I'm sorry Edward, I don't mean to be like this. I want to make us work again, please believe me that." I tried to explain myself.

"I understand why you get angry, I'm really sorry. Especially about the last question. The next one is also very stupid, but I have to know… are you still in love with Simone? ...Because I talked to Carlisle and he thinks that if you still do this might support one of those theories and that could maybe mean that the other powers won't effect you two either..well as long as your relatively close…" He looked at me with expectant eyes.

Was I still in love with her? A good question. Yes. No. over and over again. But right now? Really, madly, deeply in love? With Simone? No.

I was about to answer when I suddenly realized what he had said exactly.. he had told Carlisle my secret, without even considering to ask me if it was okay. I just couldn't believe it.

"You told Carlisle? "I asked angrily.

"Bella, don't worry. He was really okay with it, he wasn't as obsessed with the idea as Emmett but, really…There's no need to worry. They are absolutely okay with it." He explained in a gentle and steady voice, trying to calm me. But what he said only enraged me more. "You told Carlisle and Emmett without ever considering how I feel about that.." I was standing in front of him now, almost screaming.

"Bella" He tried to calm me, somehow that made me angrier than anything,

I raised my right arm and screaming "DON'T 'BELLA' ME!" I slapped him hard in the face only to feel a strong pain shoot through my arm seconds later. I tried to take deep breaths and ignore the pain, but it didn't cease.

"Let me see that." Edward said, taking my hand into his, looking me into the eyes for permission. I would have slapped his hands away or withdrawn myself from his grip if his cool hands weren't making the pain so much more bearable at the moment. "I think , we should take you to Carlisle, you might have broken something".

I just nodded in response , slipped into my coat and went to the door grabbing a granola bar and my bag on the way out. Of course was Edward's Volvo parked only a few steps away and when I reached it, he already held the door open for me. As he started the car I tried to put one of my Cds into his player. When Edward noticed how I moved my left hand clumsily in front of his radio he took the cd out of my hand and started the music. It was a mixture of different metal ,rock and alternative bands. When the intro of Nightwish's 'bye, bye, beautiful' could be heard, Edward looked at me with a question in his eyes, only then did he notice my leather coat, shirt, dark eye shadow and kohl. It was different from what he was used to, no classical music, no Kelly Clarkson or Michelle Branch music, no 'happy' colored shirt, but a light version of the girl I once had been.

He didn't say anything though and when "call me when you're sober" was about to get to its first refrain , we had already arrived and stopped the car. I expected everyone to run outside or wait by the door for us- to see and help about my hand, -but no one was there. When I looked at Edward he just shrugged and said "They're upstairs, there's something about Alice."

Without waiting for further explanation I ran upstairs only to find the Esme, Carlisle, Emmett and Rosalie standing in Alice room. The men were blocking my view at first and when I had finally come further into the room I couldn't breath. There was Alice -my usually so happy Alice, rolled into a tight ball on the floor, dry sobbing and not responding to anyone around her. The sight was breaking my heart.  
"Edward, Thank god you're finally here. Can you , please, tell us what is going on? she won't talk and she barely responds to physical contact or speech. "Carlisle said, looking uncharacteristically shaken up.

Edward concentrated for a few secondy, than his face fell:

"She's blocking me, only repeating the alphabet in her mind."

"We should have known, but it was worth a try." Carlisle responded.

Suddenly Alice stopped rocking herself and looked at me. "You really look cool…. I absolutely like it…. And you're right ,no remover needed." Alice said referring to my make-up. Everyone starred at her then at me, shocked but very happy, that she finally spoke.

I sat myself onto the ground close to her and tried to ignore the questioningas well as the supporting glances. "What happened? " I asked softly, trying my best not to startle her.

"I'll … your hand needs to be looked after," she said carefully taking my right in between hers .

"It's okay. Right now we have to care about you." I answered thankful for the cold her hands offered.

"Please, get this hand bandaged, and then come back…alone." Her voice became very quiet at the end, as if she didn't want the others to know about her wish. But Esme and Rose were sitting close enough to still make the words out with their formidable hearing.

"Let's give Alice some room. And she's right Bella, we really need to take a look at your hand. "Esme said, standing up and urging everyone out of the bedroom.

"Yes, Edward can you take Bella into my study. I will just go get my bag, okay?"

"Would you like some breakfast, my dear" Esme asked, looking into my direction.

"A sandwich would be nice."

"Then I'll be in the kitchen" She went downstairs while Edward showed my to Carlisle's study, where we found out that I had not managed to break any bones, but I had sprained three fingers and they had to be bandaged for at least two weeks. Of course I was very sad to hear that for this period of time I would not be able to participate in any kinds of sports that involved balls or bats.

After Carlisle was done, I went directly into Alice room, only to see her sitting in the exact same position I had left her in on the floor. When she saw me move towards the bed however, she surprised me by standing up und sitting down on the bed as well. I waited for her to start talking and when I realized that she wouldn't I moved closer and put my arms around her. Alice let her face and upper boddy be pressed against my breast and shoulder and I started to brush my moveable fingers through her hair. My left hand rested on her belly and I started drawing calming circles into her skin within seconds. The way I held her reminded me so much of the way she had comforted me last night that I just had to copy her words as I leaned close to her ear "It's alright, Alice, you don't have to tell me what happened. If you want to…I'm with you…whatever happened ..however Jasper hurt you …I protect you, I promise." I whispered, very aware that at least two of the vampires were listening.

"You're going to protect me? ... I already see all the evil run the other way" She joked smilingly and in a voice only for me to hear. After listening to my heartbeat for a while longer she started to explain to me how Jasper had broken up with her, because she didn't feel as strongly about him as she once did. I could tell that she was leaving something out but I didn't push her. It was already hard enough for her. I hold her close to me for the whole time, only moving my left hand a bit up and down her side and her back to calm her. After she was done with explaining her face looked more like the Alice I know and less like the sad and lifeless horror mask that broke my heart an hour before.

After a few more moments Alice started to push down my side causing us both to move from a siting into a lying position. I still didn't loosen my hold around her and soon we were lying with her snuggled up in my embrace. I started to speak about Edward's questions and Alice agreed with my anger about them. She understood that I was furious about hearing that he'd told my secret, but tried to make me understand that Edward probably just needed someone to talk to and didn't mean to hurt my feelings. When I had talked everything over with her I felt a lot better and for the first time today really calm.

"We did this wrong. " Alice said after a while with discontent in her voice.

"What?" I was confused now.

"well, in the last few minutes I comforted you, so I should have been holding you." Alice explained.

"I really don't mind holding you. You're the heartbroken one, I'm just.. well angry."

"But that's not all." Alice whined.

"No?" I asked surprised.

" In my vision you promised to go shopping with me on Saturday. You know ..to cheer me up and get me to talk.." Alice trailed off.

"Well, I'm glad I got around it."

"Oh, come on, Please Bell? "Alice said moving herself so she had her knees now on either side of my hip and looked down on me.

I just shook my head.

"Oh come on, Bell ,it's going to be fun! please ?" She gave me her puppy eyes.

When I still wouldn't budge ,she leaned to my ear and whispered " I can make you give in."

I was very aware of her breast lightly pressing against mine as she said that and I didn't doubt her a second.

Still I didn't want to give up so easily. So I just said "No shopping" , waiting what would happen.

I didn't seen anything because she was moving too fast for my eyes, but just a moment later I felt her pin my hands together over my head into the mattress. When I felt her lean down again, my body became hyperaware of every part of us that touched. My pulse raced and my breathing became irregular as her cold lips moved only a hair's breadth away from my ear. "I will make you try on every dress money can buy in Seattle, if you don't go voluntarily."

"No you won't" I whispered , pronouncing very syllable very distinct. This time Alice did not start to rise her upper body again but stayed down, slowly moving her face to my lips.

I thought my heart was going to explode when I realized that she was about to kiss me. I closed my eyes, trying to concentrate on the feeling of her lips.. and just when I thought they had brushed lightly against my, I heard the door fly open and felt Alice pull away immediately.

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**so guys who is standing there? Who would you like to be there? ( I haven't really decided yet, so if you can give me a good reason why it has to be for example Embry (okay that's kinda unrealistic, but hey) , I'm going to choose him). let me know what you think of this chappie, plz!**


	15. Hara the new Bell

**Sorry for the long wait I was really busy (**among billions of other things I read BD - it was way to happy for my liking, but suum cuique -this is what S.Meyer wanted to have as an ending, and I respect that**) , and sorry that this chap is mostly an explanation/emotions -filler thing.**

**I'll try to update within this week with a 'real' chapter that has alice/bella moments and emotional chaos and everything. **

**Thank you so much for the reviews -I love you guys!! **

**rest of author note after the chapter.**

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chapter 14 - Hara/ the new Bell

... "I will make you try on every dress money can buy in Seattle."

"No you won't" I whispered , pronouncing very syllable very distinct. This time Alice did not start to rise her upper body again but stayed down, slowly moving her face to my lips.

I thought my heart was going to explode when I realized that she was about to kiss me. I closed my eyes, trying to concentrate on the feeling of her lips.. and just when I thought they had brushed lightly against my, I heard the door fly open and felt Alice pull away immediately.

Without really looking Rosalie entered the room, a dish in her hand. "Esme asked me to bring this up to you guys and she" after closing the door behind her, she had now turned around to face the bed and starred at us .Alice was sitting at the foot end of the bed and appeared to have never been anywhere else and even though I was still lying on my back I had been aware enough of the situation that I had taken my arms down. They were laying at my sides now, and I looked almost at ease . What gave us away were only my uncontrollably fast pounding heart and my irregular breathing. When I followed Rosalie's eyes to Alice's chest I realized that she ,too, was breathing irregularly , unable to stop the human reflex when not completely focused.

"Do I want to know?" Rosalie asked quietly after a while.

"No" Alice answered equally quiet. 'Awkward' was the best word to describe the atmosphere in the room.

"Okay…Well, Esme asked me to find out whether you two will go to school now?"

"No." Alice said. She did it only to win, that much I knew. I had told her about my whole mass of preparations for today and I knew that she was not feeling that bad any more.

"Yes, I want to go, please Alice?"

"Just because you want to show off with your perfect homework and old-new outfit, I'm not going to torture myself with history and stuff. Maybe.."

"Maybe what?"

"Maybe I would change my mind if.."

"I agreed to go shopping this Sunday?" She nodded. I grinded my teeth together "Okay, You win."

"Yay."

"So you're both going to school? "Rose asked annoyed.

"Yes we are." Alice replied in a too polite voice. Happiness was radiating of her again.

"Okay, Edward is waiting for you downstairs then" Rose said leaving the room. When she closed the door, a million thoughts flooded my brain as I realized what had just happened-Alice had almost kissed me - was it only to win a Saturday of shopping , to show her power of my body or for some other reason?- I could only guess -and if she had kissed me, we would have definitely been caught. What the consequences would have been I didn't want to imagine, I was too much a coward for that. Alice voice pulled me out of my thoughts.

"Bell, I need to shower and change now, could you maybe go downstairs and.." She trailed off.

"I'll give them a short explanation about Jasper and you." I answered willing to fulfill her wish.

"Thank you. oh and don't forget the sandwich" She said walking over to her closet .

"I won't ." I said leaving the room while taking the first bite. Esme was really a good cook, she didn't even get the spicery wrong although everything must taste equally repulsive to her.

At the bottom of the stairs I called out for everyone to come. After a few seconds 5 pairs of golden eyes were staring at me. " Well, about Alice…" I started explaining the basic things of what Alice had told me. I left out a few things and emphasized others until I was sure that Alice would feel comfortable with the story I told.

Alice POV

Grabbing my favorite dark red lingerie, and a dark blue jeans and a wine- colored blouse I ran into the shower, quickly washing my hair, hating not having enough time to care for it properly. Standing under the cold water I took a few seconds to block my thoughts from Edward before I started replaying moments of the last few days in my mind. They ended with me almost kissing her. I sighed. How I had longed to touch her lips, how I had to control myself not to kiss her ,knowing that there was Rosalie at the door. Her body felt so soft and warm beneath me.. I wondered how her skin would feel on mine, not only her hands but her whole body pressed against mine when I lean down to…STOP. I had to stop now to keep myself from jumping her the next time I saw her.. 'just take deep breaths' I told myself while dressing and fixing my hair . Take deep breaths and block your thoughts...

When I walked down the stairs I saw Bella finishing her explanation and staring at the stairs, I went downstairs locking my eyes with hers.

Bella POV

After about three minutes Alice came down the stairs looking stunningly beautiful in the simplest clothes- jeans and red blouse. When her eyes locked with mine, my heart skipped a beat before it started racing, setting butterflies free to fly in my stomach. I was so caught in her eyes that I didn't notice Edward coming closer and moving an arm around my waist until he pressed his hand against my stomach.

"Eddi, if her heart continues to do THAT every time you come near her, you better change her soon, before her heart collapses." Emmett joked, causing Carlisle and Esme to smile lightly.

Edward growled, but somehow appeared to be contend. Did no one notice my reaction to Alice? Did they all think my heart was racing because of Edward? All he caused in me right now was anger, but he was probably to self absorbed to notice that. In a way it was a good thing right now.

When I looked around I noticed that everybody believed Emmett's explanation -even Alice did. I noticed how she immediately got a sad look on her face when she misinterpreted my reaction. The family noticed the sadness ,too and thought it had to do with Jasper.

„Alice, if you don't feel ready just yet, you can stay home -you know this?" Esme asked.

„I know, but I'm okay -really." answered the small girl with a fake smile on her face.

"come on, let me drive you to school." Edward said opening the front door.

We arrived at school on time for the 3rd lesson: biology. On my way to class a lot of people stared at me or turned around to get a better look at me -this time not because I was the new girl but because I was 'different' . The stares made me more self conscious than they used to, but after I had reached my table and noticed the disapproving glares from the blond bimbos in the first row , I got a weird feeling of being home -being myself- that I enjoyed.

EPOV

When we walked down the halls of Forks High every student started staring at Bella -much as I had expected. What I hadn't expected was Bella's comfortableness with the stares as we entered the class room. She really was used to this. One more thing I hadn't known about my love.

When the lesson started Bella surprised me once again. Instead of quietly taking notes and only answering questions when explicitly asked from Mr. Mill, she was participating very actively -she even went to the board to draw the body of neurocyte to explain her answers more detailed. I wasn't the only one who noticed Bella's strong change.

The teacher was praising himself in his mind , convinced that a small encouragement he had given Bella last week had caused this change. What a fool.

A great majority of the students was just surprised and thought mostly along the lines of "She's smarter than I imagined." Or "Is this Bella's twin / how come shes a totally different girl today?"

The only thoughts that really disturbed me where Lauren's. "oh, is she trying to look dangerous now or what? Black leather coat -so out ! And since when is she a science nerd… Edward is so gonna dump her now. Who wants to date a nerdy freak who's smarter than you are? Boys want beautiful girls…Well her stupidity -my luck. I'm so gonna ask him out, maybe if I wear that miniskirt.."I just had to blend her thoughts out as she imagined how I would react to her advances .. I shuddered . High school girls like her had too much imagination and were just really , really scary that way.

Bella POV

After the end of the lesson I almost ran to my Spanish class -completely aware that everyone around me was talking or thinking about me. In Spanish we discussed the vicious circle of poverty in Latin American countries and I surprised Ms Fuentes by participating in the discussion with more than one short statement. My Spanish wasn't as fluently as it used to be but somehow I managed not to make mistakes. When the class ended 5 minutes early I went directly to the cafeteria, ignoring the gossip about depression, bad influence, clothes and weird music like Evanescence directly behind me.

A few minutes after I had started eating, Simone came over to our usual table. A few steps behind her was Alice, carrying a tray full of food -props she would never eat.

" First I heard it, now I see it.. Finally you're back ‚Hara!" Sim smiled at me, her voice overly excited.

"Hara?" Alice asked sitting down beside Simone.

"Well 'Hara' is Bell's voice."

"I have no clue what you're talking about" Alice replied slightly annoyed. Obviously she couldn't see any explanation in the future.

"Doesn't anyone know Disney Classics any more?" Simone asked in a tone that would have fit an English teacher who had just been asked 'Who or what a Shakespeare' was.

I decided to intervene before Sim got more worked up about the topic. "They do, Sim. There's just no one as obsessed with them as you are."

Simone stuck her tongue out to me.

"It's about "The beauty and the beast" I started to explain my nickname to Alice but the beautiful redhead cut me off

"Have you seen 'The beauty and the beast ',Alice ?"

"Yes, I think I saw it once or twice." Alice answered.

"Well, then you know that the main character in this wonderful film is called "Belle". Belle has brown long hair, dark brown eyes, she is rather pale, reads a lot and looks stunningly beautiful in a dress. Now we take a look at mine, aehm our Bell and.."

"We have a perfect match" Alice ended the sentence, smiling at me. Then she wrinkled her forehead "that still doesn't explain why you call her Hara."

"Oh, Sorry I forgot. The voice of Belle in the movie was from Paige O'Hara. And since I was searching for a more creative nickname than Bell and since I hate the name Paige .."

"Hara was what's left. Wow, that is a really creative nick name. I like it." Alice smiled at Simone.

"You wanna call me Hara now?" I asked Alice , who was busy trying to play „eating" without having to put any of the food into her mouth.

"No, I think Bell suits you just fine" was her answer. She became quiet and if I didn't know better I would have said she was blushing.

After about a minute she found her voice back "So, I heard you rocked biology and Spanish."

I just shrugged. Simone answered for me instead "She sure made everyone else look unprepared and stupid in bio." She smiled as I blushed to a deep red.

"It's really good , Bell. Nothing to be ashamed of. You should keep it up …go to an Ivy League…maybe" The dark haired girl said, trying to make me feel more comfortable.

"Well, it appears she most definitely can get in if she wants to…doesn't it?" Edward asked as he sat down beside me and kissed me on my cheek. I was still angry at him, but I didn't want to make a scene so I just smiled, once again happy that he couldn't read my thoughts.

About five minutes later I had finished my lunch as I heard a voice call me. "Bella." Edward layed an arm around me possessively .

"Hi Mike" He answered a second after I had.

"Is that your old..well I mean how you were before.." Mike asked looking at my outfit.

"I know what you mean. It's a bit like I was but not exactly the same."

"Well, you said you were different and Simone did. I didn't really expect this but... I like it" He smiled looking down from my face onto my chest which made Edward growl quietly. It would be best to get Mike away as soon as possible. Not just because of Edward but also because of me -I still didn't like his obvious attempts.

"Thanks Mike, I see you in PE" I replied hoping he'd get it and disappear.

"Yeah, see you in PE. But you can't play" He looked at my hand.

"I'm not really sad about that." I said smiling.

"I know for sure, you're not" Edward said placing a kiss on my temple. It was so obvious that is was meant to enrage Mike that it was just absolutely annoying to me.

"See you " with that Mike went over to Jessica's table.

.

"I have to go to the bathroom, I see you later? " I stood up not wanting to discuss Mike's thoughts with Edward, not really ready to talk to him at all.

"I'm coming with you" Simone went to my side to leave the cafeteria with me.

" Later" both Edward and Alice answered, pretending to be eating once more.

When Simone and me entered the bathroom she made sure no one else was there before hugging me tightly and softly taking my right hand.

"What happened?" She said looking at my bandaged fingers.

"I fell" I replied feeling bad for giving her the standard lie. Luckily she saw right through me.

"Realistic, but a lie. Can you tell me, please?" She looked me in the eyes now.

Without thinking I told her the truth "I slapped Edward."

She raised an eyebrow before turning very angry "He hurt you , because you slapped him?"

"No, it's not like that. I kind of hurt myself while slapping him in the face. I hit a … wall as well" I made up as an explanation quickly. This time She didn't notice my lie.

"What made you angry?" She sat down on a window sill and motioned for me to join her.

I told her about everything that had happened between Edward and me this morning. When I was done my head was resting on her shoulder and we heard the bell signal for our next class.

We stood up and Simone turned towards me once more "Would it be okay with you, if I hated him for a while for what he said? Or do you want me to like him?" she asked.

"You don't have to like him, Sim. Not even when he's nice to me."

"That's good. Because…well I don't think he's….forget it .. Stupid… I just don't like him right now, because you're hurt."

"What did you. mean by...?" I tried to ask while walking down the halls.

She shook her head "Let's just leave it at that." Then she entered her classroom.

.

.

Simone and I were on our way to the gym when Alice appeared beside me. "hey girls"

"Hey Alice. What are you doing here?"

"I changed my gym class."

"Why?" I asked, not able to find a reason for her to change .

"Well, your class has the cooler activities."

"Alice, both classes are doing batminton."

"I know, but I have a feeling "She winked at me "that that is gonna change soon. And I since there were free places in this class I just exchanged them."

"Well, I hope you're feeling is right, because I can't stand badminton any more. I did it in Phoenix last year and hated it. And now I hate it even more" Simone said while holding the door open.

"Hey, girls. Wait!"

We turned around to see Eric and Mike run over to us.

"What's up boys?" Simone asked.

"Well we wanted to ask you if you would like to come to our party on saturday." Eric said, looking at all of us with a wide smile on his face.

"What kind of a party is it?" I asked a little curious.

"Well, Eric and me, we decided to celebrate our birthday together . One big party with DJ , dancing, a lot of space and people."

"Will there be alcohol?" Simone asked, he tone not giving away which answer she would prefer. That made Eric and Mike nervous as one could easily tell from the way they looked at each other. When they didn't answer at all Simone spoke. "I was just asking if I should let my mom organize some or if you already have." She smiled.

"Oh, Okay. Well we do have some…stuff but if you could bring something more, it would be nice." Eric finally answered.

"There is one more thing though."

"What?" I asked.

"well, we're really sorry, really truly sorry but we must ask you to come alone.. without dates because…well .. there just isn't enough room." Mike explained, his voice giving away that he was not sorry at all.

"Well, that's no problem for us, Is it girls?" Simone asked.

"No problem at all" Alice replied as I agreed. Even if I had been allowed to bring Edward with me, I doubted that I had asked him.

The boys stared at us happily.

"Well, I guess we should get ready for PE. Simone said while walking into the girls locker room. We followed her.

Simone POV

When I came home all I could think about was Bell. Seeing her in her leather coat , brought back millions of memories and I practically had to force myself to not kiss her before sitting down next to her in the cafeteria -as I had done so often before. When she told me how stupid Edward had behaved I wanted to do nothing more than just kiss her until everything would be alright again. That's when I noticed how she had leaned herself onto my shoulder without reacting to me. Normally her heart would speed up and she would get goose bums wherever my skin touched hers -today she didn't react. I didn't understand because I had been so sure that she was still in love with me when I arrived here..what happened since then? To test her reaction to my skin once more I pulled her hair back with my hands . When she didn't close her eyes and sigh, I knew it for sure. She was not in love with me any more.

It made me sad. Of course, on some level I was happy for her. She had always been more dependent on me, had always been the one whose feelings were a little deeper, a little easier to hurt. It was good that she was finally over me, because most of the time I was over her too. She had her boyfriend I had mine. We should be happy. Only we were not. I was aware that my unhappiness mostly stem from the long separation from Jilian and the vivid memories Bella's outfit had caused to replay in my head, but I was also aware that Bell was not really happy with Edward. I somehow had the feeling from the moment I met him that they just didn't fit. And now that he reacted like a jerk to Bella's coming out and asked stupid questions it was easy to hate him.

My thinking was interrupted by the door bell. I went to open the door. I just couldn't believe who was standing on my lawn, but invited him in anyway.

"Hi Simone"

"Hello Edward. Would you like to come in?"

"Yes, Thank you"

"Please, take a seat " was all I said as I walked over to the couch.

"Why are you here, Edward?"

"well, um ..this is about, well Bella." He appeared to be unable to actually formulate his reason, so I decided to jump in.

"You came back to her. Now you either want to find out things Bella didn't tell you or didn't explain to you… OR you are here to tell me to keep my distance, threaten me or something." I explained.

He chuckled "apparently you don't know me, otherwise you would know that I would never threaten a woman."

"Oh, That I know. But I'm not some woman. I'm her ex-boyfriend, only female. I'm first and foremost the old lover so you'd see me as competition." I paused.

" To save you some embarrassing questions I'll tell you up front that I don't tell no stories from Bell's life. Whatever you want to know… Her past.. That I can tell you nothing about." It was her choice to tell, he should know that. Maybe he understood.

"So what can you tell me something about?" He asked curious.

" I can tell you that she's angry with you and that you should apologize to her. I mean 'big apology', okay? "

"I don't know if she's still that angry, but I wanted to apologize anyway . Do you think she would like some flowers? Maybe watching a movie?" Edward asked me -why he did it I knew, he wanted some tip, but his ideas alone showed that he knew not much about her.

"What would she like?" He asked. The answer was rather simple -dress up, take her to some Italian or Chinese restaurant or take a walk in a park .Then a nice warm bath- with music, candles, bubbles and rose petals. Spend the rest of the night together kissing and caressing each others skin. Sometimes she liked to be read to before sleep- a perfect night like that ,was the answer, but he didn't treat her right, he didn't deserve this info. So I told him:

"Whatever you do, it should maybe involve getting to know her better and spend time with her-at least that's what I think." It was the most honest tip I could give him without hating myself for giving it afterwards.

" Yeah, you're right. I should probably go then." Bell's boyfriend stood up and walked over to the door. He turned around to face me as we stood in the open door. I realized he was going to ask me one more question when I saw his eyes -insecure but somehow curious.

"I'm probably going to hate myself for asking it but… Are you still in love with her?"

"I love my boyfriend" was all I said in a neutral tone.

"That's not an answer to my question."

"Well, it's the only answer you get. Bye Edward. "With that I closed the door and started to make dinner.

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**So that was Chapter number 14- its definitely not my favorite but it was needed for the next chapter.**

**About the beginning: It was a tie between Esme and Rose -that's why I brought both characters into it. I hope it was okay -whether you like it or not -let me know.**

**Bye, becky**


	16. shopping

**Wow, 60 reviews -7 for the last chapter alone! I love you guys!! So here's the new chapter-I hope you enjoy it (I'm sure the Alice/Bella addicts certainly will ;) ).**

**Please leave a review and ideas for the future chapters.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own twilight, Evanescence or nightwish. It's sad but true.**

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chapter 15 -shopping

Simone POV

When I arrived at school the next morning I was wondering whether I was still dreaming -well having a nightmare to be more accurate. I saw Bell and Edward sitting on bench curled up in each other smiling and not noticing the world around them. I shook my head and pinched my left arm but I didn't wake up -so this was reality then.  
A weir reality.  
She kissed him on the lips as he pushed her away but she continued to smile. Not just slightly but really happy -that was my proof -Edward was definitely not human. There was no way he could have made it up to her and do something that made her that happy within so few hours. He didn't know her well enough for that. He had to be a magician or something.

I wanted to disturb them, I wanted to shake Bell until she was free from whatever spell she was controlled by , I wanted to scream at her that he was just wrong for her -but I knew she wouldn't like it. Plus, with doing that I'd give Edward another reason to dislike me. So I just walked over to Alice who was sitting under a tree close to the gym. When I stood in front of her I noticed her unhappiness and her anger -both very visible on her face. I decided to sit down beside her.

"Morning, Alice."

"Hey." was all she replied while looking at her feet.

"I know it's none of my business, but I heard about ..well your boyfriend." She nodded.

"I didn't know him and I don't know much about you, so I'm not going to say anything about how 'he isn't worth it' or that 'you never really fit' ... but I can tell you that it gets better. The anger, the sadness -it will get better eventually and ...well, if you want to talk , I'm here to listen."

"Thank you, Simi. I really appreciate it, but.." She trailed off.

"But you don't want to talk?"

"No, I do. It's just.." She trailed off again and I could see on her face that she was deciding whether to tell me something important or not. "Forget it."

"I'm not the right someone to talk to, huh??"

"It's okay. If you change your mind.." I said standing up . Alice just nodded and continued to stare at the soil. A little disappointed that she didn't tell me I went to building 6.

Alice POV

What a beginning for a day. First I have a vision of Bell and Edward kissing in the cafeteria and saying their "I love you"s , then I come to school only to be ignored by Bell because she's to caught up in Edward to even notice me. And when Simone comes over to help me I have to chase her away. My life just sucks today. Simone's such a lovely girl and I would have told her that the reason for my mood was Bell's recovered love for my brother and not Jasper's leaving -but I just couldn't shake of the feeling that she was still in love with her. If I was right her morning was bad enough so far and my confession would have only been cruel. If I was wrong I was still horribly frightened about telling anyone. What would I do if she told Bell?  
I just couldn't risk it. I sighed, as I walked over to the science building. I just had to make it to Saturday . Then I would be alone with her. And hopefully she won't be missing Edward during our trip. Maybe she'll even dance with me at the party. I couldn't help but smile at the thought. That's it Alice-Just think positive!

Simone POV

After chemistry I saw Bella in the hall alone and walked over to her, she didn't look happy but tried to smile nonetheless. "He, Bell. You have a minute?"

"Sure, I have to wait for Edward he wanted to walk me to class." her answer fueled my anger. I realized I was about to do something majorly stupid, but I couldn't stop. I had to make Bells understand.

"About that, Bell how come you're not angry at him? "

" He came over with a bunch of pink roses and apologized. He explained to me how hard it was for him and when I looked him in the so sad eyes I just had to forgive him."

"What happened after that.. I mean what did you do?" I prayed to any power that might hear me that the answer had nothing to do with sex.

"Oh, we watched a movie. Romeo and Juliet the one from 96."(**AN: That's the version with Leonardo DiCaprio)**

"But -did he try to get to know you better? Did you talk?" Did they do anything she liked? I wondered.

"No, we just watched the film. And he knows me ..there's no need.. It was a beautiful evening" Bell tried to convince me.

"Bell, you like gerberas and carnations -not pink roses. And you watch Shakespeare only original plays -you hate modern adaptations, you hate being pushed away while kissing , and you hate having to wait before class when you could use the time to go through your notes once more. Am I wrong? Has all that changed?"

She stared at me open-mouth for a few seconds, thinking about what I had said. Finally she answered:

"No" She admitted "But he's my boyfriend. I love him and he's really trying"

"Is trying enough ?" I just couldn't believe her.

"Well…. He loves me even though I'm difficult. " She avoided the question before walking over to Edward who just appeared at the other end of the hall.

"see you later" she called when she had reached him.

"You're not difficult, you're wonderful." was all I could answer but I doubted she heard me.

.

.

Alice POV

Finally it was Saturday morning! The whole week Edward had been glued to Bella's side, now I had one day to spend with her alone - Edward had to hunt and wasn't invited to the birthday party- and I couldn't be happier.  
Edward had tried -as expected-to talk Bell out of going to the party and she had almost agreed , but then Edward had given his reason. He said that it was better that way since he wouldn't be able to protect her at the party. It had caused Sim and me to jump up from our chairs , protest against it and agree that we would be able to watch out for her -in case that was necessary ( what we doubted). After that Bella only needed little convincing from our side, regarding the fun factor of the party before she agreed to go.

It was only 7.30 am when I knocked on her door and I didn't really expect her to open but she surprised me. Maybe I should stop blocking visions about Bella again. I had started doing that when all I could see was her kissing Edward or him holding her, when I searched for her future. Every time it had felt like I was torn apart , I just couldn't stand it. So I started blocking -enabling her to surprise me.

"Morning Alice, I didn't expect you here so early."

"Morning Bell. Well, I thought we could start early. After all we have to be home relatively early to style up for the party later ."

"okay. let me just grab my bag" She took off into the living room only to reappear a moment later.

Bella POV

I was happy as we drove of. A whole day without Edward to look forward to. Somehow things were weird with him. He cared about me, I knew. After the apology we went back to our routine of late night visits, him watching me sleep, driving me to school and spending most of the day together. The only thing that changed was that I spend more time on my homework -with the effect that within 4 day's time I had my reputation as a geek back. Everything was back to normal, and it would feel like that too, soon. That's what I told myself. Well what I told myself until Friday morning. That's when I realized that Simone had been right - he didn't know much about me and his 'trying' just didn't feel like enough. Especially since he didn't seem to be willing to find out more about me. (I didn't understand this either)

Soon it dawned me that he only saw me the way he wanted me to be. He even ignored my black clothing and only complimented me on my hair or my smile…I had to wonder if I was okay with that-I wasn't sure. After a lot of thinking I came to the conclusion that maybe a bit more physicality would make things right, would make me feel happily in love again… it didn't …  
Somehow his face, his smell and the taste of his lips- his soft kisses didn't captivate me the way they once had. I tried hard to tell myself that everything was alright (or will be soon) I smiled when I didn't feel like it and touched and kissed him often trying to regain the feeling of completeness I once had in his arms. But something was missing and I couldn't help but wonder if I had destroyed it or if it had always been missing and I just never noticed it's absence before.

The ringing of Alice's cell almost caused me to jump out of my seat. I heard a short musical laugh before she answered the phone. It was Edward. From the bits and pieces I could make out I understood that he was remembering Alice to feed me regularly and that he was ordering her to make enough pauses between the shops so that I could relax. When he asked whether I'd had breakfast yet Alice negated and he got angry with her. I could hear his voice clearly now  
"How can this be? You promised me to take care of her- she can't run with you through a mall without having eaten anything!" He was in overprotective mood. I hated it. Luckily I was not the only one.

"Edward, I am convinced that Bell is perfectly able to decide for herself when she needs to have breakfast. She's not a two-year -old! I know you worry about her, but I'll watch out for her -okay?!"

"But.."

"No, no 'but'. Everything will be okay. In case something should happen I'll have a vision and prevent it. Okay?! Now you go hunting and don't worry. I got everything under control."

"Alice.."

"Bye, Edward" She cut him off and hung up. Annoyance was visible on her face.

"Sorry Bell, that I forgot to remind you, but you know that we can stop anytime. When you want something- just say the word, okay?"

"I know Alice, I know. Don't worry. You're right I am able to feel hunger and I am able to tell you when I need something. Right now I'm fine. " Just then did I notice that I really was feeling all right - I didn't even feel the usual illness in my stomach that I got from any Cullen's driving. When I looked at the speedometer I was shocked -we were driving slowly -well only 12 miles over the limit.

Alice followed my gaze and smiled at me.

"That's why I came over so early -the way is so damn long when you're driving slowly."

"But why?" I asked her still in shock, but a positive one.

"You're feeling uncomfortable when I drive fast. And since you offered to go shopping with me to make me feel better… well I guess I wanted to make it enjoyable for you, too" She shrugged looking almost uncertain.

"Thank you. But you remember wrong, I was blackmailed into shopping by you, it was only in your vision that I offered it."

"Well, I choose what I like as reality. And in my reality you offered." she was smiling genuinely now. It made her face even more beautiful.

"I guess I have to accept that." I smiled back.

A few minutes later I started searching for Cds.

Alice handed me a burned one "Here, I hope you like it."

"Thank you" I started the CD and after a few seconds the beginning of "Missing " (Evanescence) could be heard.

The second song was "The Islander" by Nightwish and the third "Good enough" (Evanescence), I wondered how she had managed to choose my favorites without talking to me -then I remembered her visions. Sometimes they really came in handy.

"Do you like it? I don't know much about music and since the whole vision thing was out, I had to rely on your clothing."

"I love it. But what do you mean?"

"Well, I didn't really get a chance to talk to you in the last few days and so I looked up the bands whose shirts or buttons you wore."

"Creative way of making a CD.  
Why did you choose this songs? My clothes didn't have any indications about my favorites on them, did they?" I asked astounded.

"No, I just listened to all the songs I could find from those artists and choose the ones I liked best."

"But that must've taken you hours"

"Well - one night, but time doesn't exactly have a meaning when you can't die." She gave me a little smile.

"Nonetheless, thank you. You did good."

" What kind of music do you usually listen to, Alice?" I asked her and started a conversation and question-answer game with that, which went on until we arrived Seattle two and a half hours later.

Alice POV

When we had finally arrived at the mall and Bella had finished her breakfast we started searching for clothes. Bell intended to only get one outfit for tonight but I reminded her that she'd make me much happier with at least trying on other things. We had arrived at the big shoe store on the second level of the mall when my cell rang for the 4th time today. Again it was Edward making sure that everything was alright. When he asked me once again if she had eaten and drunk enough I felt like screaming and crushing the phone, but we were in public , so I decided to do something that would attract less attention but was equally effective- I took out the battery and put the two parts of my cell in my handbag.

"Thank you, I was only one more question away from throwing it into the little fountain in the hall." Bell commented.

She looked relieved, which made me happy. With a smile on my face I took her hand and walked with her straight to the high-heel section.

When I handed her a beautiful pair of black shoes she looked at me questioning my sanity. "Alice, do you want me to break my neck."

"Don't be ridiculous Bell, the heel is neither high enough nor narrow enough for you to fall."

"You're sure?" She asked me, a little fright in her voice.

"Positive. Now please try them on." As she said down a shop assistant offered help which I politely declined.

I kneed myself in front of Bella and started to put her feet into the high heels. I let my finger caress her ankles and each foot lightly while I fixed the aprons. When I was done I felt unable to convince my fingertips to let go of the soft and warm flesh but eventually I had to. When I looked up I saw that centre of my universe had close her eyes. She seemed to enjoy the caresses but before I could let my hand wander back to her ankle and up her calves, she stood up and took a few steps forward.

It took me a moment to concentrate on the shoes and not the girl wearing them; finally I managed to say: "How are they? I think they look good on you."

"They are surprisingly comfortable, which makes me fear that the price will be ridiculously high." She whispered back so that the shop assistants could not hear her.

"Don't worry about that. You like them? "She nodded "You get them. You wear them tonight. Don't you dare starting a discussion about this."

"But " Bell sighed.

"I'll win the argument. I can see that" I told her, almost laughing as I saw the last of her protest disappear from her face and turn into a pout.

"Fine."

After we had found shoes for me as well and paid for everything , Bell still looked a bit discontented.

"Let me make it up to you, okay?" I offered.

"What do you have in mind?" she asked , tilting her head to the left and staring into my eyes.

"Let me show you a little shop. I promise it won't be anything like the others here."

"Okay" she agreed as she followed me down the hall and around a corner. And there we were. In front of a little store called "Nightseeker" that had practically everything gothic and metal fans could search for. Band shirts, rare CD s, posters, emblazonments and lots of grey, black and red clothing. Bella stared in awe. She squealed a "thank you" and placed a quick kiss on my cheek before disappearing behind racks and hallstands. Within twenty minutes she bought a Cd, a bracelet and a beautiful black shirt with a moonlight colored print of a female with feathered wings crouched behind the remains of a wall.

We went to get some lunch for Bella and while she was eating I took the bracelet out of the bag to look at it more closely. I was a piece of silver metal formed like a flower with different ornaments on it, the flower itself was attached to a ribbon of black velvet.

"Do you like it?" Bell asked taking a sip of her Coke.

"It's beautiful."

"I'm glad you like it. It's for you. " She gave me a shy smile.

"But Bella…"

"No 'but' I want you to have it. Don't you dare starting a discussion about that. I'll win the argument. I can see that" she interrupted me coping my earlier words with a smile in her voice.

"Fine" I mimicked her answer . When I tried to pout like she had we both started laughing.

" Would you.. this sounds weird.. Can I ?" She stuttered indicating that she wants to put the bracelet on my arm.

"Sure". Bella looked me in the eyes for a moment before she put the ribbon around my wrist. When she had closed the breech she let her fingers trace the almost invisible lines on the inside of my hand, causing me to close my eyes and take a deep breath. When her fingertips lost contact with mine, I reopened them only to see her staring at her wrist watch and then -supposedly inconspicuous at my hand again.

" I really hate to say this but we should continue shopping now. We have only one hour left."

"Two hours if I'm allowed to drive faster." She almost sighed at my idea , so I changed it before she'd be able to agree with a bad feeling in her stomach.

"I mean, let's try to get this done in 1 hour, there's really just one, maybe two stores left- and in case we need a little longer I'll just speed for the first few miles till we're back on schedule, okay?"

"Kay, so let's go"

Bella POV

About 20 minutes after lunch, we moved towards the fitting rooms, with only 20 -and I emphasize 20- items in my arms. Alice ordered me to try on all the black shorts and hot pants first but neither of them found her approval. In desperate need of a break I let Alice try on 3 different outfits. As expected , she looked stunningly beautiful in all of them but I liked the dark blue knee-long jeans and the light blue shirt the best . When I told her she agreed and I was forced back into the small room. When Alice handed me a green cocktail dress I gave her a questioning glance

"I promised to make you try on all dresses in Seattle that money can buy …and I know we don't have the time for it but could you please try this one on? As compensation? To humor me, please?"

"Okay, but it'll look stupid."

"It won't" with that she closed the door to wait outside.

When I had finally gotten the zipper all the way up I looked at the mirror and had to agree -it didn't look stupid…it just wasn't me.  
When I stepped out off the room to meet Alice's critical gaze she just shook her head at me.

"It's not bad, but not perfect either. The way it is cut here" She said , placing one hand just beneath my left breast "makes it look like you have almost nothing there."

"Barely 32B as a bra size means there is not much breast, no matter which way a dress is cut, Alice." She only rolled her eyes. "Go try on the miniskirts" with that she dismissed me into my room. When I tried to get out of the dress I couldn't. Somehow the zipper didn't want to go down.  
Just great.  
I tried the zipper again, this time with force , but still it wouldn't move an inch. I groaned. "Alice, could you come help me, please?"

Within a second she was standing in the small room. For a moment I was surprised to see her head in the mirror behind me, but then I remembered the life-threatening high high-heels she was wearing today. Her cold fingers were trying to move the zipper and touched my skin over and over again, making my heart go wild.

"Uah, its stuck in your bra. Just give me a moment to open it and you should be free."

"Should be?"

"Well, you will be, now hold still."

I froze in place as one of her hands moved under the dress to open my bra. After a few seconds I felt it fell open and I heard the zipper being pulled down. When the dress slipped down my body I could feel Alice's small hands move down my spine. When she moved her left hand to rest on my hip I closed my eyes to concentrate on the feeling . My heart was pounding wildly and I had to bite back a moan as her right hand moved over to the front of my upper body. First she caressed my stomach and belly button before slowly moving her hand up to my breast. I heard her breath becoming irregular behind me and when she lay her head onto my right shoulder I could hear her whisper "Please open your eyes" into my ear. I obeyed and stared at the mirror fascinated. When I saw as well as felt her hand move under my bra I felt butterflies everywhere. I got week in the knees but her hand on my hip hold me steady.

"You are so beautiful " Alice whispered in a tone that made just me feel loved. She fixated my eyes in the mirror and after a moment I nodded, unsure what the question in her eyes was but willing to find out no matter what. Slowly she turned me around to face her and moved her hand slowly over my breast I leaned into her touch but a her hand was already away. A second later I felt it pushing a strand of hair behind my ear and moving my face closer to hers. I stopped breathing and just concentrated on the feeling as her cold, soft lips brushed lightly against mine. After a moment the pressure of her lips got stronger and when her tongue darted out, licking over my bottom lip, my whole body started to feel on fire. I opened my mouth slightly, granting her access, but before my tongue had a chance to touch hers, I heard my cell ringing pulling me back into reality. Alice drew back with an unreadable expression on her face. While I grabbed my cell I was unaware of anything around me, trying hard not to loose the wonderful feeling I had just moments ago.

I answered the cell without looking at the number, but was relieved when I heard Simone's voice. She asked me to come over and after a short explanation why that was impossible we said our goodbyes and hung up.

When I looked at Alice she had a sad look on her face. "Sorry. ..No, I'm not sorry..but ..do you regret it now?"

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**Tada, so that was it, the first kiss. I hope you enjoyed it as well as the rest of the chapter.  
Please leave me a review telling me what you think about it** .

**If it sucked I'm willing to rewrite -after all this is a very special moment between the two. So just let me know!**

**By the way -for those who are interessted - the next chapter will be called "Dirrty"... maybe that'll do something for your imagination ;)**

**Luv y'all! Bye.**


	17. dirrty

**Hi, everyone. I wanted to thank all my reviewers, I love you guys! Please keep going!  
And to those of you how put me on their alert/fav lists: Thank you very much! I'm happy you like my story!**

**So this is the new chapter. Bella might appear OOC for some of you, but i just couldn't get this idea out off my head. I had to write it and those of you who think "She'd never do that" imagnine she had more to drink before she agreed, deal?**

**The Beginning of this chapter is dedicated to Adorin who wanted to have Alice's POV of the kiss.- Hope you like it.**

**Discalimer: I don't own twilight, Queen of the damned, Usher/ "Yeah" , Britney Spears/ "Crazy", Static X /"Cold", X-tina/Dirry or anything else mentioned. All i own is Simone and the idea for this story **

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chapter 16 Dirrty

Alice POV

Once the dress fell down her body I couldn't help but stare. Bella was beyond beautiful ..she was a goddess. The way her creamy skin felt under my fingertips as I moved my hand to rest on her hip was unbelievable. She was so soft and warm and she didn't shy away from my touch, she didn't fight it but closed her eyes and let her head fall back in enjoyment . When I moved my hand up to her breasts I took a closer look at us in the mirror. It was a wonderful sight. It looked like we belonged together, like we were one. I wanted Bella to see this -why I wasn't sure. Just because of its beauty? to convince her? maybe but mostly I wanted to see her eyes. She opened them as I asked her and I noticed that her heart skipped a beat as she saw our image. She couldn't be imagining someone else to be here touching her , she saw me. Suddenly I panicked- what if this was my one and only chance, what if she'd freak out the moment I let her go .This was the one chance I had been waiting for. My chance to show her how I feel , to convince her without words. I had to let her know what I thought, how I felt, because maybe she wouldn't listen later any more.

"You are so beautiful". I looked straight in the reflection of her eyes and when I saw her nod I couldn't wait any longer . I turned her around and kissed her. I intended it to be a soft touch of lips full of love but after a moment I couldn't control myself any more, I needed to taste her ,to feel her. I licked her lips and her mouth opened in approval. When my tongue touched the inside of her lip and tasted her ,I felt like dying. It was such a warm, sweet and addictive feeling that washed over me - I knew I wouldn't be able to live without it for a single day and I didn't want to. I felt the tip of her tongue move against mine for less than a millisecond- then her cell rang and I drew back ,sure without any vision at all who that was ripping me away from heaven. The overprotective boyfriend, the brother that will kill me soon for taking what he considered his.

However, when Bella answered her phone I was surprised to hear Simone's voice instead. When she hung up, she fixed her bra before she turned around and made me feel completely helpless. Should I try to kiss her again? Should we talk? Should I just leave the room? Would she like me to embrace her?

I decided to sit down on the small chair and wait. When she looked at me I wanted to kiss her again, so badly. But I knew I shouldn't, we should talk this over first.

"Sorry" I said without thinking. Why was I apologizing? "No, I'm not sorry… but.. do you regret it now ? "

Bella POV

Did I regret kissing her back? Most definitely not. Would I be able to assure her with the chaos of butterflies in my stomach, that kept me from thinking straight? Probably not. Being with her felt right, but what about Edward? What about Simone? Was I over them? Was Alice the right one for me? I didn't know. I needed to think about this. I noticed how she got more and more nervous and afraid with each second I took to think everything through. I needed to do something. Now. So I kneed down beside her and looked into her eyes. While it caused my heart to run amuck it seemed to have a calming effect on her, for which I was grateful. I took a deep breath but when I tried too speak my body betrayed me and my lips were pressed against hers instantly. After a moment of shock I decided to concentrate on my feelings alone . My lips were moving by there own accord, they didn't need my attention. I felt happy , a bit crazy and after about a minute rather cold. When I needed to breath I pulled away and leaned my forehead against hers.

"I don't regret anything I did today." I took another deep breath " But I think I need some time." My voice was barely above a whisper but I knew Alice could hear me perfectly clear.

"that's okay," she smiled a bit uncertain at me.

we were both standing up looking into each other's eyes as I almost fell down. When I was caught by two very small but powerful arms I noticed that the green dress was still around my feet incapacitating me from moving my feet for more than a few inches. I stepped out of the dress and Alice loosened her hold on me as she picked up the dress and a hanger and left the small room.

"We need to hurry a bit. Maybe you should start with the black jeans mini-skirt." Alice advised me.

Five minutes later we had bought the skirt as well as her outfit and were on our way to the car. When Alice turned the key and started it she touched my shoulder shortly "Bell, I know you hate it but we have to speed for about the first 40 minutes, okay?"

"Yes. But not longer, please. I'll just write Simi an sms that I might be 5 minutes late. She's used to me being early. "

"You're going to Sim before the party?" the dark haired girl asked me, trying to cover the jealousy in her voice with curiosity and failing miserably.

"Yes, we're going to style up and her mom offered to drive us." I answered smiling.

"I could drive you. I could pick you both up, you know?"

"If you want to- but as a general rule you have to convince Sim's mom that you won't drink and leave her your cell number."

"Sounds like a fair deal."

"Okay, Alice. I'll let Simi know so she can tell her mom." I grabbed my cell phone and when I looked at it I received a mild shock. "10 new short messages" was blinking on the display. When I read them I saw that they were all from Edward, and all were questioning my ability to watch out for myself.

When I looked at the times I noticed that he had send at least one sms each 20 minutes -I was annoyed. I wondered why he hadn't called but he explained in his sms that he didn't want to anger Alice, just check how I was. He'd formulated the messages to appear as if he was just missing me and was interested in my day, but I could easily tell that he was trying to find out if Alice took care. He asked how I liked my lunch -in stead of asking Alice if I'd had anything to eat. I sounded nicer somehow, but the over -protectiveness and need for control was just the same. It annoyed me.

Alice seemed to notice because after a few minutes she turned her head to me "Bell, I know you hate speeding but it's not that long anymore, I promise."

"I know, I'm not angry about that. don't worry"

"But , what are you so annoyed about?"

"He send me 10 Messages after you took out your battery. To make sure I was all right."

"0h, "She searched for words for a moment before answering "Do you want to call Edward?" She was really uncomfortable asking this question.

"No, I'm just gonna write him an 'I'm okay.' and turn off my phone after that. I don't need it at the party anyway." I decided, sending the sms and turning it off afterwards.

"But now you haven't informed simone."

"Oh, right. stupid. ahh.. she's gonna survive it if I'm a bit late. I'm sure."

"okay" after that the drive home was silent and the atmosphere a bit strange. It didn't feel completely awkward but somehow a bit.. well not good was the only but unfitting description that came to mind.

.

About 10 minutes before we arrived at Simone's I couldn't stand the silence anymore, but what was I supposed to say? Then a memory came up 'since the whole vision thing was out ' Alice had never explained what that was supposed to mean.

"Alice, you never explained what you meant with 'vision thing was out' in the morning."

"Oh, sorry I .. this is stupid and will make you feel even less comfortable than you are now."

"I'm not uncomfortable, Alice, I'm thinking."

"About me?"

"You answer my question, I answer yours, deal?"

"Okay. I'm blocking my visions about you, that's why I couldn't see how you'd react to the cd."

"But why?" I was confused, usually she looked especially out for my future to prevent accidents and sometimes to annoy me with hints I'd only understood when it was too late and I was already in the situation they should have prevented me from.

"Well, it was difficult for me to be …to have to see you…. well to see you kiss him. It hurt" She admitted. And I would have sworn she was blushing if I hadn't known better.

"I'm sorry about that. I didn't mean to.. sorry.. I mean …huh…I understand why you blocked them…I guess I couldn't stand to see you kissing somebody else.." I replied trying to make her more comfortable with her answer, my face dark red.

"Thank you. That's … good to hear. " Alice smiled.

"Can you do me a favor? "

"Only if you answer my question" she insisted.

"You're cruel." She laughed shortly.

" Okay, I admit it. I was thinking about you and about today but I'm not done with thinking things trough so I'm not telling you any more" I rushed it all out while my face turned an even darker shade of red.

"No need to panic, Hara. What's this favor?"

"Could you please stop blocking your visions about me for tonight? I mean I'm going to a party in a miniskirt and with high heels, there will be drinks and dancing and about half of our grade as witness. Please don't let me stumble or anything. "I almost begged. Even with my new/old reputation as a freak I could only stand a certain amount o humiliation.

"I promise."

.

.

Styling up for a party at Simone's was as much fun as it always had been. She had chosen the soundtrack of "Queen of the damned" for our styling and we agreed quickly that this would probably be the last time we heard good music for the night. While we were busy with our hair and arguing about make-up , Simi's mom brought us snacks and gave us news from the rest of her family who still lived in Phoenix. Apparently they had an innerving heat wave that wouldn't even allow them to sleep at night - something that for sure would never happen in Forks.

Just seconds after we finished our outfits and had put on the last little details, Alice reappeared at Simone's . After a short talk with Sim's mom and a round of general warnings and a "have a lot of fun, girls" we were allowed to leave. When we got into the car I caught Simone glare at Alice's hand brushing against mine but I decided not to say anything . She was probably angry about something else. After all, there was no way she could've known, right? And neither a reason to be angry.

When we arrived at the address Mike had given us we were rather surprised. It was a small warehouse in the middle of nowhere and a lot of cars were parked on the outside. It was all bigger than we had expected.  
When we got in Mike was at our side immediately "Hello girls."

"Hi, Mike. This is great, " Simone said as we looked around. There were a lot of tables, a bar and a big dance floor . We recognized a lot of people from school, Jessica, Angela and Ben standing not far way from us talking.

"A lot of people" I commented.

"Yeah about 80 right now, but Eric's cousins haven't arrived yet. "

"Are they so many that it maters? " Alice asked.

"Well, 13 plus some of them have girlfriends they bring along."

"Wow, big family. Well, we'll see you later Mike. We have to go say 'hi ' to a few people" with that Simone dragged us away in the direction of Angela .

We talked with her and a few friends from school for a long time, occasionally danced a bit. It was harmless and funny. I liked it and I wished it would stay that way. Of course it couldn't. So when I got back from the bar with a Coke around midnight, Simone was overexcited.

"Hara, guess what! They're having a dancing contest!" She exclaimed happily.

"Eh..Yeah…so what?"

"Mike asked me to participate in this 'jus for fun thing' and well I put us both on the list. You know.."

"No, NO WAY IN HELL. I'm not going to 'dance' like that in public!" I screamed at her, very aware of which song she would have chosen.

"Bell, come on, it'll be fun. You still know the coreo!"

"Yeah because you forced me to learn it."

"I didn't force you, you lost a bet, missy! And now you're gonna dance with me, please?"

"No, Sim. "it was my final answer. Well, I thought it was.

"Please? I'll even get you vodka or any cocktail you want to loosen up, just this one dance, please?" She made puppy eyes and I felt myself almost ready to give in.

"No, for one thing we don't even have a third person and it looks stupid without a group."

"What coreo are you talking about?" Alice asked, apparently curious but a glimmer in her eyes told me that she knew. And she was going to team up with Simone against me.

"Christina Aguilera, Dirrty, do you know it?" Sim asked with hope in her eyes.

"What a coincidence , I do. I never thought either of you listened to anything like that." Alice said, feigning surprise.

"I don't. I lost a bet. And I could choose between learning the coreo in one of this stupid dance studios or making out with John McNaisen ." I clarified. " I know the choreography that doesn't mean I'm going to dance!"

"But it'll be a lot of fun!" Alice exclaimed.

"I'm going to the bathroom now and when I come back I'm not on any list for dancing contsts anything anymore!" I turned around.

"Can you maybe think about it once more and when you come back and still don't feel like it ... we cross out your name, promise" Alice offered. I sighed, she probably did this because she knew something I didn't, but there was nothing I could do about that so I just nodded. When I walked over to the lady's bathroom I overheard Jessica and Lauren talk about the dancing contest. They were both very convinced that they'd win, which didn't bother me at all. But then they started laughing about my name on the list and I heard several bimbos agree that it would be fun to watch me humiliate myself.

It angered me and found myself understanding Alice's plan. When I would come back from the bathroom I had probably heard enough girls gossiping about my clumsiness that I would agree to dancing just to proof myself that they were wrong. Great, I was going to dance one of the naughtiest coreos ever invented in front of half the school all because I hated it when people thought that I wasn't capable of doing something. Simone had always been right. I needed to accept the fact that I 'd never be able to do everything well, I needed to accept that I could not proof rumors wrong the whole time . I really needed to learn to accept that butit was too late for tonight. Tonight I was going to show them another side of me.

When I walked back to my girls, Alice was smiling broadly, very aware of my decision.

"Bell? What do you say ?" Simone asked, also noticing the change of my mood.

"Get me an Orange juice with a smidge of vodka and I'll do it. But I won't like it."

She smiled at me "Thank you!" hugged me and ran over to the bar.

"You could have warned me, you know?"

"But, Bell, it would have only been have the fun!" Alice beamed at me.

"I'm not gonna humiliate myself, am I ?"

"No, we're gonna rock." Alice boosted my confidence taking my hand into hers for a short moment. She let it go once Simone came back into view.

"She doesn't like it when I touch you" she whispered into my ear, her cold breath against my neck making my heart go wild.

Twenty minutes later we witnessed Jessica and Lauren dancing a simple choreography to Britney Spears' "Crazy" with two girls we didn't know. They weren't bad and people were clapping a lot. After that Eric and two of his cousins showed a few hip hop and break dance moves to Usher's "Yeah" . We were third on the list and I was starting to get nervous. Mike came up behind me and put his hand on my shoulder "Hey, good luck."

"thanks" was all I could reply before the DJ announced us.  
"now, let's give it up for three dirty little girls form our beloved hometown Forks" He called us and I couldn't help but blush deep red at that. When the song started I was a bit uncomfortable , but soon I remembered the moves and even started enjoying the whistles and whoa's we received. (**AN all of you who don't know/remember the coreo, use the link on my profile, I'm not going to explain the dance moves because i can't)**

After the bridge's final line "uh oh here we go, here we go" the song came to the rap verse, -the freestyle part of the 'dance' - and while we moving our hips in sync to the beat my hands were all over Simone and Alice and neither seemed to mind. The guys watching seemed to like our freestyle interaction the most and would have most definitely not minded if I kissed Alice , but I knew I shouldn't. Publicly kissing girls that were considered the boyfriend's sister was a big no. 'Not much bigger than naughty dancing' a voice in my head tried to convince me but it did nothing to my choice of not kissing her.

What I hadn't thought about was how hard it would be to convince my body the two times the line "Sweat dripping over my body" came in the chorus and Alice let her body fall on top of mine. Somehow I made it, but possibly only because Alice saw what I was about to do.

The times Simone 'fell' onto me, I didn't feel anything like this , which only made me more aware of my attraction towards the little pale girl in the light blue shirt. I was crazy about her and from the look in her eyes I was sure she knew.

When the song ended with "Uh, what?" I moved against Alice , my face in her direction and my arm around her neck. I felt the need to kiss her but before I could give in, the sound of the loud clapping and whistling pulled me back. Huh, that was a close call.

We weren't able to see the last two groups of dancers because almost all of the males attending the party were either trying to ask for a dance, a cell number , a date or a photograph or were complimenting us on our dancing and our bodies (which, in some weird way was good for my self-esteem).

A few minutes later we were announced as the winners and the DJ handed us a plastic medal and asked which song we'd like to hear.

"Would it be okay if I choose a vampire-movie-soundtrack-song, or will you be offended then?" I whispered into Alice's ear.

"It's okay, choose whatever you like."

I asked Sim for consent and then asked the DJ for "Cold " from Static X. To my surprise he had the song with him and half a minute later the intro could be heard.

I grabbed Alice's hand and before I'd asked if she'd like to dance she already nodded. We went to a barely illuminated area and started to dance our body's never more than a few inches away. When the song ended she leaned close to me and whispered in my ear "outside, the tree close to my car." Then she disappeared . My heart was pumping fast and I knew I'd follow her to wherever she'd asked me.

Then another thought came into my head that caused a strange sense of relief to wash over me.

Tomorrow, I'll break up with Edward Cullen. My former love.

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**Do we hate it? Love it? come on, hit the blue-violet-greyish button and let me know.**


	18. revelations

**Oh my god! 11 !! reviews for the last chapter !!you guys rock! I love you!! That's the most I ever recieved** (I'm aware that there are authors here who get disappointed by less than 30 for one chapter but I'm definetly not one of them)** and I'm really ecstatic about it.**

**So here's the new chapter. I hope you like it. Please let me know. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything but simone and the plot of my fanfic.**

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**17- Revelations**

_When the song ended she leaned close to me and whispered in my ear "outside, the tree close to my car." then she disappeared . My heart was pumping fast and I knew I'd follow her to wherever she'd asked me._

_Then another thought came into my head and caused a strange sense of relief to wash over me._

_Tomorrow I'll break up with Edward Cullen. My former love._

_._

_._

When I reached the tree about a minute later, Alice pushed her lips against mine instantly. Her left hand was on the small of my back holding me close to her, while her right was on the back of my head going through my hair and pushing my head slightly in her direction. The kiss became more and more heated and a second after I had opened my lips for her ,our tongues were dueling for dominance. Soon I gave up and simply enjoyed the cold of her tongue, its taste and the light massage it had to offer. I never wanted this moment to end and when her hand moved under my shirt I couldn't help but moan into her mouth. Her movements, her taste , her body pressing me against the tree- all of it made me feel helplessly aroused.

When we could hear the door of the warehouse open in the distance Alice pulled away quickly. Almost not noticing the desperate want, need, of my body for more.

She handed me a cig and whispered an explanation in my ear.

"Simone's coming, We're out smoking. Away from the others cause you don't want anyone at school to know."

"Okay".

I took a drag o my cigarette, not really liking it but remembering the parties long, long ago when I did it just because people offered.

"Bell?" we heard a female voice ask from around Alice's car. I looked at the beautiful girl in front of me and when she nodded I called out

"Simone? We're here, "

"Ah," she walked around the tree facing us. "Here you are."

"What are you doing out here? Just having a smoke?" There was something in her voice that made me feel uncomfortable, but I couldn't name what it was. Hoping to appear inconspicuous I nodded.

"Yeah"

Simone raised one eyebrow at my answer , challenging me to change it.

"Oh, come on Bells. You two came here to make out!" she accused us.

"You pretend to be happy with your boyfriend, who doesn't know-or want to know- the most basic things about you, and behind his back you do anything to get into his sister's pants!"

"First: I'm going to break up with him."

"When? When you laid her and are sure she's worth it?"

"Hey, I'm right here!" Alice threw in angrily.

"Tomorrow." I answered forcing myself not to react to her attempts to hurt me.

"Second: you know it's not like that. It's not about sex. Otherwise you wouldn't make this scene, would you?" I tried to look into her eyes. When I found them, I saw what I had expected -tears. She was hurt I hadn't chosen her. And, as always, she turned her hurt into anger before facing and accepting it.  
The second she noticed that I knew, she looked away.

"I'm driving with Angela, so don't care about me. I wish you a lot of fun with Edward. I'll bet he takes it VERY well!" she spat before she ran back to the warehouse.

Before my first tear had hit the ground I felt Alice's arms around me, pulling me into a comforting embrace.

" I'm sorry. I thought it would work." She breathed the apology against my ear. After a few minutes of silent crying she sat down on the ground and pulled me into her lap.

" I hate her when she's like that. " I whispered, trying to make my voice steady enough for conversation.

"That's understandable. But don't worry. She did it -"

"Just to hurt me, because she's hurting. I know. But there's a big problem-she's right. Edward won't take it very well. When I break up with him.." I whispered.

"Do you want me to be there? I don't want you to go through all this alone."

"I'm not. I know you're there. But I can't have you around when I tell him."

"But that makes…not so much sense… I mean.." she tried to argue with me . Suddenly I understood what she was thinking.

"Oh, no!, No Alice, I'm not going to tell him about us tomorrow. I don't think it would be wise to do that. He needs to know that I would have broken up with him anyhow. He needs to understand that I'm not happy with him. When I tell him about us.. He might think that it's all your fault. Or that I only choose you because you can see what I'd like…. I don't want him to believe that there's any competition he just has to win. I don't want him to try to convince me.. I want him to accept."

Alice was planting a line small kisses on my neck to keep me calm and show me her affection while thinking everything through. It made me feel so loved and comfortable that I almost forgot the angry scene that had happened just minutes ago.

"It's okay. I mean it's probably good when you tell him the important things right away and in a way that he can't misunderstand anything. I can't see how he's going to react, though. Just bits and pieces. Nothing helpful." Alice sounded disappointed. I knew that she felt blind without her visions and her fear for me didn't help her fright anyhow.

"Don't worry about me. He will not take it well, but he would never ever hurt me. Not physically." I reassured her. When she started to worry about her lack of a concrete vision once more I turned my head and kissed her with as much force as I could bring up.

"Can you always do that when I worry too much?" She asked after I broke the kiss to get some air.

"Only when we're no one's there." I admitted.

"There will be a lot of hiding now, won't it ?"

"I fear so. Do you want a coming out soon? I mean, do you think you're ready ?" I asked her.

"I'm not quite sure, but I think I am. What about you?"

"It's the like the 30th coming out for me. I survived all till now, so I do whatever you want me to, whatever you're ready for. If you don't want anyone to know…it's hard but fine with me. If you want your family to know, I'll be there with you. I'll even hit Emmett if he makes a stupid comment about you."

"But you'd hurt your hand!"

"It'll give them something new to worry about. Plus it'll make you smile. If that means a few broken fingers…so be it. "

.

"That was a bit corny don't you think?" Alice asked after a few moment.

"I'd go with 'a bit sadomasochistic' but 'corny' fits , too." When Alice started to laugh I had reached my aim and decided to get up.

"Maybe we should drive home"

"Yeah, you're right Bell." Alice stood up and danced over to her car, only to hold the door open for me.

"May I drive you home, Miss?"

I just smiled at her and got into the car.

.

.

When I woke up the next morning I had a slight headache that got worse when I remembered what would happen in the following hours. I turned around in my bed once more, not ready for this day to begin yet. On the table beside my bed I found a note from Alice.

_Morning Bell,  
__I hope you had wonderful dreams.  
__I'm sorry I couldn't stay.  
__I left to go hunting and to prevent the room from smelling too much like me.  
__Edward will be at your house at 1.24 pm.  
__I'll be at home since I promised Esme some help.  
__If anything goes wrong, or if you change your mind and want me to be with you..I'll know and I'll be there within seconds.  
__I miss you already,_

_Kisses,  
__Alice_

The note made me feel wonderful and awkward at the same time. It was obvious that she cared for me, she even missed me, but on the other hand it reminded me of my horrible task for the day.

Two hours later , after I was showered and had my breakfast there was a knock ok the door.

"Come in" I called from the kitchen, trying without success to work up some courage for what lay ahead. Too soon he was standing in the kitchen only a few feet away. I had a lump in my throat and felt unable to say or do anything.

"Hello, my love. I missed you." Edward looked at me expectantly and made me feel completely helpless. I couldn't say any of those things he wanted to hear, not without making the coming talk more complex than he needed to be. After what felt like hours I came up with the most simple reply.

"Hello, Edward"  
And then I knew I had to say them. The 4 words. I hated them. I knew how they hurt, made you aware that something was wrong but didn't gave away what. I knew exactly that they would make him feel like -his dream was shredded- that they'd make him feel helpless and somewhat angry. When I remembered how I had felt as Simone had said them to me, I wasn't so sure any more if I could do this. If I could break his heart. But I had to. For Alice. And for myself.

I took one deep breath and then I said them, trying to keep my voice calm with those clichéd, destructive words "We need to talk."

Edward's face froze up the moment the words had left my lips but he tried not to let it show.

"Okay" He nodded.

"Maybe.. we should sit down. " I motioned for the chairs and sat down. When he did the same, I tried to collect my thoughts and think of a beginning- finding none I froze up only to hear him sigh.

"You're going to break up with me. " It was a statement with such a deep sadness that a tear fell down my cheek as I nodded.

"I'm sorry, Edward. But this is not working for me, not anymore."

"But why?"

"You don't see me the way I am, and I don't think you'd like the way I am. You like the girl I pretended to be, the girl I was until two weeks ago. And that is okay, really ."

"Maybe I could learn to love the girl you are." Edward offered.

I sighed "I don't think she's able to love you the way you are. " I answered tears now streaming down my face in little rivers.

He looked shocked at that and hurt and incredible sad. "I don't understand. Why? Is there someone else?"

"Edward, you're trying to protect me way too much. You want me to be a girly girl. You want me to need you and I'm realizing I don't... There was a time when I couldn't breath without you . It was a good time, a happy time. But it's over now." I tried to make my voice sound firm and give the words finality - after all they were final for me- but I couldn't. My voice just wasn't strong enough.

My vision was still clouded by tears so I didn't see him as he stood up, bowing over the table. Whe he spoke in an angry voice I realized the threatening position he was in .

"WHO IS HE?" I was completely frozen with fear but somehow I still managed to realize how much he was still wanting me to be his Bella, straight Bella-

Then he did something I never would have expected -He grabbed my upper arms and pulled me out of the chair, close to him.

"One last time, who is he? "He whispered menacingly into my ear causing my whole body to tremble. His grip on my arms became more forceful when I didn't answer and I was sure to hear the bones break soon.

Suddenly his face became still, he was realizing something. All he said was "Simone. that bitch." before he let me fall onto the floor, still shaking , and ran out of the house.

Within a second Alice stormed into the kitchen and picked me up.

"Simone" Was all I could cry out in fear. What would he do to her? Would he hurt her? Kill her? Would he really kill my best friend?

"Ssh, Shh, It's all right. Emmett and Carlisle will stop him. I promise you. Nothing's gonna happen." Alice spoke calm and slowly to me, making sure I understood anything.  
"Edward will see her with Jilian and then he'll come to his senses. He won't hurt her."

"You're sure?" I asked after I had calmed down a bit.

"Yes. But he hurt you." Her voice was bitter and made me want to assure her that everything's alright.

"Don't you dare telling me it doesn't hurt. I've seen the bruises, they're black and very big."

She put a blanket around me, careful not to move my arms, and then placed me in her lap again, in a way that I could lay my head onto her right shoulder.

"Carlisle will be here in 20 minutes. He will bandage your arms." She leaned down and kissed my pulse before whispering into my ear

"I was so afraid when I saw he hurt you. I won't let him touch you ever again. .. Unless you want him to..I mean someday… I wouldn't force you to stay with me."her voice was insecure and thick with anger and sadness.

"Alice, Alice. It's okay. I don't want to be with him. I want you. I'm..I'm falling in love with you." I whispered against her neck before placing a soft kiss on what could have been her pulse point years ago.

Alice sighed relieved. "Me too, Bella, me ,too."

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**I hope you liked it, please let me know. Ideas for how the coming out at the cullen's home should happen or how the Cullens would react are appreciated and needed!!**

** love you guys, becky**


	19. apologize

**Hey, sorry for the long wait, but life got in the way. Now that I had a couple of hours time I wrote, but my muse didn't kiss me. Sorry it's pretty much a filler between the break-up last chapter and the first (small) outing next chapter.**

**I hope you like it nonetheless. even if you don't: please leave a review.**

**I have less and less time for writing (especially when university starts in 2 weeks) and I won't continue this story (for now) if only very few are interested in it. (** I will however, send those few people the complete story per mail once its done -which might not be before christmas-)

**I plan to write a JasperXEdward story this winter and need to know whether I should finish "Falling.." first or leave it be.**

**Thank you so much for my amazing reviewers so far, I love, love love you!!**

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"Yes. But he hurt you." Her voice was bitter and made me want to assure her that everything's alright.

"Don't you dare telling me it doesn't hurt. I've seen the bruises, they're black and very big."

She put a blanket around me, careful not to move my arms, and then placed me in her lap again, in a way that I could lay my head onto her right shoulder.

"Carlisle will be here in 20 minutes. He will bandage your arms." She leaned down and kissed my pulse before whispering into my ear

"I was so afraid when I saw he hurt you. I won't let him touch you ever again. .. Unless you want him to…I mean someday… I wouldn't force you to stay with me." her voice was insecure and thick with anger and sadness.

"Alice, Alice. It's okay. I don't want to be with him. I want you. I'm…I'm falling in love with you." I whispered against her neck before placing a soft kiss on what could have been her pulse point years ago.

Alice sighed relieved. "Me too, Bella, me ,too."

chapter 18- apologize

Two hours after Carlisle had bandaged my arms the phone rang and woke me up from the peaceful sleep I had succumbed to in Alice's arms. When I answered the phone it was Simone who asked me-in a very, very nervous voice- if it would be all right if she came over to apologize. I accepted and half an hour later there was a knock on the door. Simone had made a chocolate-cake and covered it with red and blue smarties only -my favorite. She was really sorry and stammered about 20 apologies before I put my arms around her to hug her.

Bad move. My arms started hurting like hell as I raised them and even Sim who had a rather bad hearing asked why I whimpering quietly.

When we sat down Simone apologized to Alice and explained that at least a third of the cake had been made especially for her. Alice smiled and nodded , not angry at Simi any more.

.

Alice and I explained what had happened only hours ago and reassured Simi that Edward had calmed down now and she needn't be worried. My friend was completely shocked about what Edward had done and asked to see my bruises.

When I finally agreed, I let Alice loosen the bandages on my left arm. I winced every now and then lightly but the cold of her fingers was soothing and made the touches bearable.

The moment the bruises were completely visible, Simone wasn't the only one to hold her breath in shock. I ,too, couldn't believe what I was seeing. Was it possible that the bruises had gotten even darker?

"Oh my god. He must have grabbed your arms so hard to leave bruises like that. I… I mean you can see every single finger." Tears were forming in her eyes now. Shock and horror were visible on her face.

"How could he do this to you? How can he claim to love you and leave bruises like that?" She was shaking her head, causing a few of her curls to fall out of the loose pony-tail.

After a few moments she sighed.

"One thing's good though."

"What?" I asked curiously.

"You're not making excuses for him any more. A few days ago you would have tried to convince me that it wasn't his fault. Not really… You don't do that any more. And I hope you will never have to do anything remotely like that again." Her gaze wandered to Alice face. "You treat her right, you hear me? You treat her right or I will have to hurt you."

"I promise you. I will never hurt her. You have my word." Alice's voice sounded so firm and honest that Simone could only nod before she took a place close to us on the couch.

Alice started immediately re-bandaging my arm at human pace while Simone told us that her boyfriend had come all the way from Sacramento ,where he was studying computer science, just to spend the Sunday with her. It was bad luck that she'd spend the night at the party and slept through half of her time with him, but he had reassured her that he didn't mind, exhausted as he was after 12 hours of driving. She told us about her plans to go to Sacramento after school as well and soon we were in a deep conversation about schools, advantages of big cities, graduation and future plans.

It was almost six when we decided to order some pizza after Charlie had called that he'd have dinner at the Black's and wouldn't be home until late.  
It was Simone who changed the happy atmosphere we had created by imagining the future of our classmates, to a more serious one.

"So, now we know about the far, far away future. But what about soon? I mean, do you guys have a plan for a coming out? Or do you want to stay in hiding? I … I think the latter will be kinda complicated.."

"You mean because of the rumors ?" I asked Simone, fearing that I understood her right.

"What rumors?" Alice asked confused.  
"How come there are rumors I don't know about?" she wanted to sound surprised or annoyed but I could hear the worry she was trying to conceal.

"Alice, there weren't any rumors, 'til …well.. until last night. People will assume that there's something going on. At latest when they hear about the brake-up. It might take a few days but, eventually Edward will hear about that." I explained a bit frightened about what might happen to Alice. He had hurt me already -something I had never imagined possible, what would he do to her? Would he kill her? And even more imporatantly: Would the others let him? Would they think that she had destroyed Edward and I?

Alice seemed to sense my fears and pulled me into her lap immediately. She put her arms around me and started drawing calming patterns on my back. "We'll tell him before that. It'll be alright, I promise." she whispered into my ear.

Simone let us have our moment in quiet before she stood up. I didn't understand what she was about to do until it was over and she kneeled in front of the couch and hugged us both. Then she showed us the photo she had made with her cell.

"You two are very cute. And I'm happy for you. Even if it hurts sometimes." she sighed "I didn't mean to say that last part out loud, sorry."

"Sim" I addressed her "don't be. It's alright." I smiled slightly as I saw her nod.

"So, what do you guys think" she asked sitting down again "should I test the waters for you and come out to forks High? ………. I mean you could test on me what they think about girls like us."

"Sim, that's really nice of you to offer, but…no. You don't have to do that for us."

"Bell, I want to make it up to you. I really screwed up last night, please let me make it right." She was almost begging now.

"Tasty cake. honest apology. Hug. You did everything, we're fine. There's no need for you to risk your popularity or your head, okay?" I tried to convince her.  
" By the way, if you come out now, it will only cause more rumors about Alice and me, won't it?"

"I guess you're right." She sighed "but when you're 'out', can I wear a 'me too'-shirt or something? I mean I really don't want people to tell me how 'disgusting and wrong' you guys are and convince me to stay away from you."

"Alright, you can become an outcast with us. Can we now talk about something more fun than becoming officially freaks?" Alice threw in.

"You've always been a freak, honey." I whispered in Alice's ear.

"Since Emmett and Rose graduated, not so much any more.. hmpf." she pouted and I just had to kiss her then.

After what felt like half a second, Simone cleared her throat loudly.

"You're cute, but continue and I will ask you to get a room."

I pulled away from the cold and soft lips that were my private heaven reluctantly. How was I supposed not to kiss her for a whole day of classes tomorrow? I didn't know,I felt that we'd never be able to make it. But we had to. So we would.

After a short discussion about what to do I grabbed for the remote. We ended up watching reruns of The Simpsons episodes until Simi had to leave around 8.

.

When Charlie got home I told him that I had broken up with Edward and after checking shortly how I felt, he was barely able not to show his contentment and approval too openly.

The next morning I tried not to talk to anybody and find out what the people knew from listening to conversations as I walked down the halls. There was a lot of talk about the party and some about the dancing us girls showed but not much else. Apparently nobody knew about the end of me and Edward yet and nobody had noticed my bandaged arms that I hid under a wide black cardigan . The Cullen's weren't at school since it was rather sunny outside.

So, except for Alice's absence, everything was almost perfect. Well, perfect until I went to lunch.

.

I was walking down the hall when I first heard his voice.

"Bella, I want to apologize, can we -please- talk." his voice sounded strained and breakable. It sounded weird to my ears.

"Bella, I want to make this right between us, please. I want to make us work again. Please, please, look at me Bella." I didn't turn around. I knew I had caused him pain. I had not given him the full truth, I had destroyed his heart . I knew and if I turned around now, it was likely that I'd either make a big mistake and tell him about Alice, cause a teary scene or both. I didn't want either. So I said over my shoulder, hoping that he'd understand.

"Edward, there's no way for you to make this right. There will be no 'us' any more. Maybe we'll be friends some day. But not now."

I made a few steps towards the cafeteria when I felt his hand on my arm. He pulled at it, which caused tears of pain to shoot into my eyes.

"Bella, please look at me" He yanked my arm again, hurting me. When he did it a third time I almost screamed out in pain, but somehow managed to form a few words.

"Don't touch me"

As I glimpsed a disbelieving look on his face from the corner of my eye . I whispered a harsh "You're hurting me" in his direction.  
The words sunk in immediately and he let go of my arm. I think I heard something like " I'm sorry, terribly sorry Bella" as he ran away but I wasn't sure.

When I looked around I saw that half of my class had witnessed the interaction and were already whispering discussions of what happened between us as they walked to the cafeteria.

Simone was among the first ones that heard rumors and soon came out of the lunch room looking for me. After I told her what had happened she decided to drive me home. The only lesson left being P.E. in which I couldn't have participated even if I'd wanted to, I didn't really care about skipping class.

After I had assured Sim that I was alright and would just lie down for a while, she left and I went into my room.

Alice POV

It was sunny. In Forks! I hated it. Sun meant that I couldn't stay anywhere near my Bell for 8 hours. It was painful or the first few hours turned into agony as I had a vision of Edward trying to talk to her once more. When I saw that Simi would bring her home soon, I decided to break into her home and wait in her room.

About twenty minutes after I had sat down on her bed, she finally opened the door and I hugged her instantly. She was a bit surprised to see me but she was happy and kissed my lightly on my forehead mumbling "I don't deserve you."

I wanted to disagree with her immediately but I felt her exhaustion and decided to delay this argument and get her to sleep a bit instead.

I laid her on the bed and took off her shoes before I lay down beside her, wrapped her in a blanket and hold her close to me. She fell asleep soon and I decided to look for some painkillers. I walked at human speed and when I got back to Bell with a few pills and a glass of water, she was restless in her sleep, crying and whispering single words with so much fear in her voice that it hurt my heart. I had to crawl up behind her and hug her to my chest immediately. I had left her alone when she was hurting, how could I ?

I was still kicking myself for leaving her alone when I felt her relax in my embrace again. Soon she stopped crying altogether and started dreaming about more pleasant things. I could tell from the way she smiled and whispered "I love you Alice " and "she loves me". It melted my heart.

When she woke up about an hour later I handed her the pills and water as soon as she hissed in pain as she tried to move her arm behind my neck.

She was grateful for it and rewarded me with a quick kiss for my idea.

After a while she shifted around and motioned for me to lay my head onto her breast. When I did I could hear her heartbeat more clearly than ever before. To my own surprise it didn't drive me entirely nuts. It was a nice sound and when I closed my eyes I felt her warmth even stronger and imagined the heartbeat to be my own. How strange it felt not to remember this, not being able to be reminded of my own heartbeat, not knowing what it felt like…

I tried to push those unhappy thoughts out of my mind and started to caress Bella's skin instead. I let my left hand move over her stomach and even moved it under her shirt to feel the soft and so very warm skin. When my fingers sneaked up to her bra and finally touched the top of her right breast her heart started to speed up and I couldn't stand being close to it any longer. I moved my head away from her chest and propped it up on my right hand. I counted mentally to 30 and stopped breathing before I was sure again that I had the animal inside me under control. When I did I placed my lips on Bell's and started to kiss her softly. Before it could turn more heated I stilled and probably stared at her with open eyes as a vision hit me.

_It was soon. And it was at our home. Edward explained that he couldn't stand being around Bell anymore, that he was afraid that he'd loose control again and hurt her really bad.  
He said that we've been in this town for too long and that people would soon start noticing that Carlisle wasn't aging.  
He explained that a new start would be best for us, a new place, where Emmett and Rose were not supposed to be traveling around the world but could be with us.  
Maybe a place where we'd be able to go to college. We had nothing that hold us here, he explained and Rose, Emmett and Esme nodded in agreement._

_And soon Carlisle agreed as well, saying that we'd move -as a family-as soon as we'd decided on a new place._

I was shocked. They couldn't do this. Not now. I couldn't leave. I could never leave Bell.

"Alice, Alice please talk to me, Alice?" I heard a worried voice close to me. Soon I sapped out of my vision and realized that it was Bell. Oh god.

"Alice, what did you see? Please tell me. " I hesitated.

"Alice, please. You were shaking so hard ... and you screamed 'no' over and over again. Please tell me. " There were tears in her eyes and she looked so frightened. So vulnerable. I hugged her close to my body and never wanted to let her go. With her pressed to my chest I searched for words and thought about what to tell her. I didn't came up with anything but the truth, so I told her.

"He's… Edward will convince Carlisle that we leave. Start over somewhere new -as a family." My heart almost broke as I spoke the words but I couldn't feel her starting to cry. When I looked at her face there was no worry, no sadness only determination.

"Then I'll fight to keep you here. You and the others. You're my family and I won't let him take that away. "

"Bell, I don't think there's much we can do without…" I trailed off.

"Then we tell them. Tonight. We'll tell them and either they'll understand and stay or they accept that you're staying." She looked at me with such a conviction that it would work out that I felt safe. I hadn't had any vision but she made me feel safe without any certainty about what will happen. Only with her love, her want to fight and her unwillingness to accept and surrender.

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**at all: hope you liked it, please leave a review!**

**at all who are annoyed by my mistakes: English is not my first language but one of 4 foreign languages i learned at school. It's been brought to my attention that i make more mistakes than i thought (thanks for the pm leonie).**

**That's one of the reasons why from chapter 20 on Jocelyn Torrent will be my beta ( thank you, thank you, thank you!) and help me to erase as many mistakes as possible.**


	20. destroying a family

**Hey guys! Whoohoo over 100 reviews!! I'm so happy and I wanted to thank you all for your amazing comments. I absolutley love you guys!**

**(sarcasm on)  
Special thanks to the anonymous reviewer named "you suck": Your constructive criticism ("you story sucks like really bad") really helped me to improve my writing- thank you verrrry much! (sarcasm off)**

**Very big thank you to Jocely Torrent who beta-read this for me.**

**So here it is -the chapter with the too dramatic title -I hope you like it, please leave a review.**

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Chapter 19- Destroying a Family

APOV

About half an hour later we arrived home in Bella's old truck. When she moved to get out of the car, I stopped her.

"Bell, please, let me first try to do this without…you know..." I pleaded with her.

"Without telling them? Will it work?" There was curiosity and a spark of hope in her voice. Though she tried not to show it, she really didn't want to tell my family today. If there were a way around it…I didn't know; I couldn't see

"I don't know, Bella. I can't see much right now, everything changes too quickly." I admitted.  
Her face fell a bit before she smiled reassuringly at me.  
"Good luck, my love." She leaned over and kissed me softly on the lips. Soft like the touch of a butterfly's wings. I wanted more, but not now was definitely not the right time. I hugged her for a moment and remembered why I was here. Why I couldn't go back to Bella's right now. I had to make sure that we could be together and that my family -that had become hers so long ago- wouldn't leave us behind.

When I opened the door and walked into the living room I could tell within seconds that Edward was already trying to convince everyone to move.I considered the situation for a moment but then I decided to speak.

"I don't want to go. Edward, we said we'd stay until graduation. We've settled down here."

"Settled down? We can do that anywhere. And if we moved we could go to college for some time or do whatever we want! We wouldn't have to sit in high school and learn Shakespeare's sonnets for the 20th time. It would be way more interesting!" He explained. As if that was the reason… I wondered if he told the other's what happened at Bell's or if it had been Carlisle who had told them.

"We could do that just as well after graduation. It would even be easier. We'll have fresh high school diploma and won't have to fake any. It's easier to wait until the end of high school. It's only a few months." I tried to convince him.

"It's almost a complete year. And the big problem, the real problem, is that we've been here for too long. People are going to notice very soon that neither Carlisle nor you nor I have changed the littlest bit in the last few years." He portrayed our fear and used it for his argumentation. And although there was no proof, the fear alone was convincing enough.

"I would like us to stay here until that happens. Or at least until we see it happen. I want to be with my friends." I want to be with her. I hoped that my argument could convince the other members of my family, because I got the feeling that there would be absolutely no way to make Edward change his mind.

"Why is it so damn important for you to stay physically close to Bella? You can call her and visit her every now and then go shopping, even if you lived in Russia. So why do you have to stay here?" He almost yelled at me now.  
I hesitated. What should I tell him? He raised an eyebrow at me and had this smile on his face, like he had won something ."So?"

"That's none of your business." I spat. The moment these words had left my lips I realized what I did and could've kicked myself. I was appearing bitchy and he was showing serious concern for our safety. I'd never be able to win them over like this.Everyone stared at me for a short moment before Esme tried to mediate.

"Alice, darling, maybe you should explain why it is so important to you; you know, so we could all consider your argument." She smiled supportively .

What should I tell them? I wanted to do this without telling them...him. I didn't want to break this family apart any more. Maybe if I could convince them that it was for her safety? I was a bit insecure about my idea but I had to try...  
"Bella might need help. I mean she's such a danger magnet. What if Victoria came back? I'm worried what might happen to her if we left."

Emmett nodded shortly at me, convinced of my argument. He cared for her like a baby sister and was definitely concerned about her safety.

"If anything like that should happen…You'll see it early enough and we'd be able to come here. We'd still protect her. In fact, she'd be safer if we were only here when needed."

"But-"I tried to interject when Carlisle decided to speak his mind:

"Alice, you must admit, this sounds reasonable. Especially if we only left the city, not the country. We could always be here within 1, maybe 2 hours. That would be safe. Don't you think?"

No, not Carlisle! No, no, no, Carlisle couldn't be on his side! When he was convinced of leaving it would be impossible…him voting for moving meant we moved… but I needed to stay here!

"I won't leave her!" I almost cried.

"Alice, honey," Esme addressed me now, "I know she's your friend. I , myself, like her very much. We could visit her regularly, very regularly , if you like. Would that be a compromise?" she smiled at me, trying to make me more comfortable.

I just shook my head. I couldn't live without her. Not feeling her close for more than a few minutes caused me unease. Being away more than an hour or two left me barely functional. How was I supposed to exist if I only saw her once, maybe twice a month? I shook my head once again.

"No," I whispered.

"Why?" she asked in a soft voice.

"Because…" I wanted to make up something...something perfect that would convince them..but I couldn't. I became more and more strained as my mind searched desperately for arguments. I was losing; I felt it and then I heard the door open and she was standing beside me, facing the slightly surprised family.She was nervous, oh, so nervous. I could tell. She took a deep breath before she whispered close to my ear,

"Alice, maybe we should just tell them? I don't want you to fight with your family. Hm?"

"Tell us what?" Carlisle inquired. "Alice, please, we must know everything to be able to make the right decision."

I noticed Rose staring at Bella with angry eyes and I really didn't have to be a mind reader to tell that she was blaming her for all the commotion.I hissed at her until I felt Bella's tender hand glide into my left one. Her thumb caressed the back of my hand lightly and it calmed me down. She was really trying to support me through my coming out. Even if it was only possible through a simple touch at the moment.  
Everyone's expectant eyes were on us. I took a deep breath. Now or never.

"Okay, Mom, Dad…everyone…I have to tell you something ...well…uhm..I have found out that I am...I'm…bisexual." Now came the most awkward talk ever. I was sure.

"Oh...hm," was the general reaction. I thought I saw Rose shrug but I wasn't sure.

"Cooool," Emmett's voice boomed until he was elbowed by Rosalie.

Edward just stared at me, then at our entwined hands. The moment I knew he'd understood that Bell was more than a friend to me, I became frightened and the most useless vision of my entire existence hit me.

_Edward lunged at me and grabbed my neck. Bell stumbled a few steps backwards on my side before I could let go of her hand.  
Then, he pressed me against a wall, just by my neck.  
He spat at me. "It was you! You stole her!" He screamed._

The vision ended just in time, so could let go of her hand before she collided with the glass table close to the wall.He held me just by my throat.

"It was you ! You stole her! You took her away from me!" He screamed at me, tearing at my arm. It took Emmett and Carlisle only second to react and get him off me. They held his struggling form only a step away from me while I reattached parts of my skin he had tried to rip from my left arm.

Edward was still screaming, "You went behind my back! You're destroying me, this family, just because you can't stand being alone! I bet you don't even love her! You just disgust me, Alice!"

I took a few deep breaths and maybe even counted to one hundred subconsciously before I answered him.

"You have every right to feel that way about me. But, you have to be honest with yourself. Would she have even noticed me, if everything had been wonderful between you two? "

I stared him in the eyes. Not provocatively but calm. I wanted him to understand, needed him to.  
He stilled in Emmett's and Carlisle's arms and stared at me for a moment. And he looked over to Bell, lying on the floor, arms covered in bandages and swallowed. The others loosened their grip a bit and he took the opportunity and bolted for the door. He left it open and continued running through the forest until I couldn't hear him any more.The moment he was out the door I rushed over to Bella who was trying to stand up but shaking very strongly. I helped her up and hugged her close to my body.

"It's all right. I'm all right." I whispered into her ear.

"hmm," she nodded."Can we maybe ..sit down, Alice? "

Esme patted on a place close to herself and Carlisle on the couch.We walked over and sat down beside each other.Rosalie was staring at us furiously while Emmett, beside her, smiled. There was an awkward atmosphere in the room and I was glad when Esme decided to break it after a couple of moments.

"Honey, you must be assured that we love you very much. And you too Bella, no matter what." She had a slight smile on her face and one could easily feel the love radiating of her.

"Thank you," we whispered synchronically at her.

"So you're like really together now…right?" Emmett asked us with a toothy grin.

"Yeah," Bella's face showed an equal happiness now. She smiled whole-heartedly. It was a wonderful sight that made me incredibly happy.  
Of course, Rose chose that exact moment to let us in on her view of things.

"It's nice to know that you can still be happy after destroying this family. MY family. MY home." She stood up. "You know what? I hope she drains you during your fist fuck. Than we can finally be over with this paperback-teen- novel-dramarama." She left the room furious and fast.  
I wanted to go after her and rip her throat out for saying what she did, but I felt Bella's arms around me, drawing me into an embrace.

"I love you. I trust you, please just ignore her." She whispered into my ear. And there was nothing I could do but kiss her then.


	21. reactions want, need, desire

**AN: I'm teribly sorry guys for not updating earlier, but I had a lot of trouble with this chapter. Plus University started amd there's like 20 things to do at once. I know I'm driving away reader with the long waits but there's nothing I can do. I'm really sorry about this. I hope you enjoy this "Hella-hot chapter" as my beta Jocelyn Torrent called it. Very big thanks to her.**

**As usual I don't own anything and would like you to leave a review very much.**

**By the way: this chapter is an hommage to LadyJezbel's masterpiece "words of reality"(its latest chapter) , one of my -probably even my most- favorite Jacob/edward story.**

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chapter 21- reactions -need, want, desire

The same night we told Charlie about us. He was very cool about it, like it was absolutely ordinary. Soon I noticed that he was not even the slightest bit surprised…then it clicked.

"Renee told you, didn't she?" I asked a bit annoyed.

"Well," he hung his head, "she only told me about you…she called when she heard about Simone moving here. She was just concerned that I'd react unsuitably or make similar stupid 'mistakes' to those that she did." Charlie explained.

"Oh, so you had, like, two and a half weeks to think about this... Well, still, thank you Dad for understanding and not questioning this." I removed my arm from Alice's shoulders and "signified" us.

"No, thank you two, for being honest with me. I didn't know about you, Alice. I thought that you were just supporting her through her time after the break-up from Edward…" he trailed off and sighed shortly before looking at her again "I guess... you are helping her to be happy."

"I hope I am. I'm really glad that you're okay with this, Charlie." She replied.

"I am, but I've had time to think about this and so I have to state a few new ground rules."

"Oh, Dad, please?" I tried to beg. I didn't want to have such a "how to behave" talk now.

"They are just few, promise. Number one: no sleepovers"

"But dad," I tried to interject. I knew that Alice would never need his permission and would come through my window every night...but I couldn't let him know that. So I did what any girl in love would do- I made a disappointed "this isn't fair" sound and tried to look really discontent with his rule. My pretence was supported by a look of sadness on Alice's face.

"No, Bella. Maybe someday; but not right now. I feel the need to protect you. I need to be sure that this is serious, okay?"

"Fine."

"Number two," he want on, "no neglecting school. I know that you are each other's center of the universe right now, but please don't forget school over it. It's your final year."

"Don't worry, Charlie. I think Bell -we're both too interested in getting into a good college to forget about that." Alice explained.

"Yeah, she's right." I affirmed her view.

"That's good to hear. So now we come to the last rule. It's just for you, Alice, and I mean it don't make my little girl unhappy. T-"

I wouldn't dream about it." She interjected immediately.Charlie nodded at her

"Treat her right." With that he left calling after us that he'd be at the Black's until the game was over.  
We went upstairs to my room.

Alice POV

"So...you know I have to ask now, don't you?" Bell looked a bit confused at me for a moment so I'll added the actual question.

"What was your mother's reaction? How did you tell her?"  
"Well, I told her that I've started dating someone and that it was a girl. That it was Simone. She took a few deep breaths and answered that at least I couldn't get pregnant… that she had at least one thing not to worry about...till I got 'out of this phase' then she left the room. Bell explained to me using actual air-quotes.

"Oh…" I didn't know what to say, but I understood why Renée wanted Charlie to react differently. My love looked sad for a moment before she shrugged and tried to appear indifferent. "I didn't know what to expect... I guess it went okay as far as coming out goes, especially since she'd had a fight with Phil only hours before..." She trailed off and I hugged her closely to my chest.

"Maybe you're right. But you deserved to be supported...to be told that she's happy for you.""Well, I think she just said what came to her mind. I was envious about Sim's parents' reaction but I think anyone would be..." She said with a far away smile on her face. I nudged her head slightly and looked at her face with an obvious question.

With a lot of happiness in her voice, she started to talk. "She told them after dinner one day, when her siblings were out. Her parents congratulated her that she'd found me and that she trusted them enough to tell them. Her dad actually said that he considered it 'very cool'. Then they asked her if this meant that she was a lesbian or a bisexual and they asked her if I'd like to stay over next weekend. They talked for about half an hour and later that night her mother came into her room and handed her a list of open youth houses and groups for young gays and bisexuals in our area. She even promised she'd drive us if we wanted to go to one of them.  
Her parents, well, they always made me feel like I was a part of the family. It was weird to feel like I belonged somewhere, but good as well."

"Wow, they really supported her."

"Yeah, they did"

"Esme and Carlisle love you very much. You know that, right?" I asked her.

"I do, I really do; but I think right now they mostly care about their sons." Bella looked at me with an earnest expression on her face. "Will he come back?" She tried to keep her voice free of emotion but I could tell that she really was worried about what would happen to Edward and my family. I moved closer to her and took her hand in mine.

"He hasn't decided yet. Do you want me to keep looking for it?"She thought about this for a moment and then she let her head hang in shame.  
"I'm sorry but I think I do." She whispered.I put my finger under her chin lifting her face up to look at me

"That's okay, really."I entwined my fingers with hers and lay myself down on the bed. When she did the same our faces were only inches apart.

"You're beautiful," she breathed as she pushed some of my short hair behind my ear.

"Very beautiful," she leaned in and kissed me briefly on the lips.

"Thank you," I kissed her and got a fantastic idea."Roll onto your stomach."

Bell POV

"Roll onto your stomach." Alice told me and without question I did as she asked.

"Make yourself comfortable, I'll be back in a moment." With that she left the room. I started trying out different positions for my arms and head getting an idea what Alice was planning. When I finally had found a comfortable position, I began to wonder where Alice was. She'd said 'a moment' and that was already 5 minutes ago. I waited patiently for 3 more minutes while I replayed Carlisle and Esme's reaction in my head. Then I finally heard the door open.

"I'm back, Bell." She whispered into my ear as she got on the bed and positioned herself, kneeling over me with her knees on either side of my hips.

"If anything's uncomfortable, you let me know." She said before she leaned down and started kissing my neck and moving my hair out of the way. Her fingertips caressed my sensitive skin, making my heart go wild. When her fingers moved towards the hem of my shirt and moved it over my head seconds later, I was surprised.  
Not by her action-I had anticipated this- but by the warmth of her hands.

"How?"

"That's why it took me so long to come back. I warmed my hand to make you feel more comfortable, you know?"

"It feels good," I assured her.

"I haven't even started yet," was all she breathed into my ear before I felt a few drops of oil hit my shoulder.  
She began massaging my neck and shoulders kneading my skin. Soon, all of the tenseness of my muscles was relieved and I felt completely relaxed. This, however, didn't last very long because I soon felt her fingers moving to the middle of my back to open my bra. She unclasped it before she moved the straps over my shoulders. I was starting to become aroused at that and almost went crazy with anticipation of what was about to happen next.

She removed her hands from me for a short moment, but before I could utter my protest her fingers, slippery from the orange oil, began to move under my body and inched under my open bra. Her wet fingers massaged the undersides of my breast and then started to move further up in an agonizingly slow movement.  
When finally each of her hands covered one of my breasts and started kneading she leaned down onto my back until I felt her cool bosoms touch the ends of my shoulder blades. Her lips were on my ear again and all I could do was moan from the desire and pleasure my body felt.

Alice started moving her fingertips softly and grazed over my nipples a few times. It caused more moans and sighs from me and when she whispered into my ear how beautiful they felt my hair stood on edge everywhere. Then she pinched my left nipple and I got goosebumps all over my body.

"You're not cold, are you? She whispered into my ear in a husky voice.

"Uh-uh," was all I could respond as she attacked my neck with her lips, tongue and teeth once again.

"Good, because I'd hate to stop now."  
With that she started to move her fingers lower and lower until one of them was trailing along my hipbone. Her fingers inched under the waistband of my jeans and I thought I'd die very soon if I wasn't allowed to touch her.

"Alice," I moaned.

"Yes?" she answered in a giggle-like voice, obviously enjoying her effect on me.

"Please, let me touch you."

"Oh, you want to turn around now, don't you?"

"Mhmm," I mumbled.

"Well, okay," was all she said before she lay down beside me and propped herself up on her elbows. When I had completely turned around and took a moment to look at her I forgot to breath. She was beyond beautiful, beyond awesome. She was breathtaking. There probably wasn't even a word that could describe her properly. After a few more seconds of thinking, Alice leaned over to me.

"You should breathe."

"Oh," I started breathing again, first a bit raggedly but then calmer. I let my hand reach out to her. My fingers trailed over her belly-button and up to her small, round breasts. They felt firm but not as hard as stone. When I let my hands move on their own accord I watched her face intently. She closed her eyes whenever my fingertips brushed against her breasts and growled quietly as I kneaded them. The sounds she made aroused me to no end. I wanted to hear her growl again. I needed to hear her.  
I climbed on top of her, straddling her hips and when my lips touched hers she opened her eyes again and we stared at each other for a moment. There was so much desire and love in them that I almost didn't notice the dark sparkle in her irises. Since I was too enchanted by her eyes to move she took the initiative and kissed me hungrily. I responded to her almost forceful movements with the same eagerness and almost exploded from happiness as I physically felt her need, her want, her desire for me and my body in that kiss.

After my lips had to leave hers for some oxygen, I started my trail of kisses down her face and neck.I began to assault a particular soft spot of skin with my teeth and her left hand wound up in my hair instantly. She held my head close while her right pressed almost forcefully into my back.

"Oh..." was all she purred into the night.

I continued sucking and biting her skin, hoping to somehow leave a hickey to mark her as mine. Of course it didn't work because even the softest part of her skin was still five times harder than any of mine. I moved my hand lower and lower to her breast and after 20 kisses I finally reached her nipple.

When I started licking and sucking it her hands went back into my hair-this time both -and she arched her body into mine. As I tried to move on to her other breast I was stopped by a very loud voice that rang through the house.

"Bella, it's almost ten!"

Alice POV

This was one of the best nights of my entire life. I was alone with my love and there were no boyfriends or threats left that could keep me from feeling this, my desire. My angel was driving me crazy, attacking my neck with little bites and flicks of her tongue arousing me so much that I barely noticed her heartbeat anymore. I wanted her. Not her blood. I wanted her tongue and fingers to pleasure me. I wanted her to cum from my attacks on her willing body. I wanted to hear her moan and cry my name in pleasure. I wanted, wanted, wanted, this and so much more.

When her mouth moved low enough to tease my nipples I couldn't continue lying flat in the bed. I just couldn't not move into her touch, her warm and soft body pressed against my cold, stony one. I arched into her mouth trying hard not to scream out from the pleasure that took over my body as she bit down lightly.My body shivered in anticipation as I felt her moving over to my other breast with the intent to go lower. The thought of her tongue and teeth on my core… the thought alone made me moan.

Before Bella could move any further though, we were interrupted by Charlie, or more correctly his voice (thanks to the all higher being for that!) announcing that it was almost ten. A short but angry growl escaped me as I realized that he was ending my fun, my beautiful evening with Bell.

When she moved away from my breast, I got up from the bed and put my clothes back on reluctantly. As I turned around Bell was sitting on the bed and wrestling with a shirt. I helped her to untangle the sleeves and the moment her head found its way through I couldn't help but laugh. Her hair was in a complete mess and her head extremely red.

"You know, I prefer helping you take them of." I said in her direction.

"Well, you could come back in about 15 minutes and do exactly that, my love." There was a look of desire as well as hope in her eyes. But I had promised Esme and Carlisle to show up at home tonight I couldn't fulfill her wish. It made me crazy.

"I'm sorry honey. I promised to come home tonight." her face fell at this and she started pouting. "But I might be back later."

"My window's always open for you." With that she stood up and placed a soft kiss on my lips while embracing me with what I imagined to be a great force to her.

I felt myself get lost in the sweet ,almost innocent, kiss as we were interrupted once more.

"Bella! Alice! It's now five PAST ten!"

I pulled away from her lips and whispered 'good night' into her ear before I left her room and said my 'goodbye' to Charlie. When I started running into the direction of my home I had to stop abruptly because a very memorable vision hit me.

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**AN: ****mean end, I know. But thanks to my guilty conscience I didn't let this chapter end at Alice's line: "because I'd hate to stop now." as it was initially planned. I hoped to liked it. please let me know what you'd like to read in the coming chapters. I have 3 ideas for the coming out at school and I'd like you to vote on them.**

**a) the girls kiss (while dancing) in front of half their class**

**b) very stupid teacher tries to give sex education and Bell/Alice correct his infos (the famous „bisexuality is just a phase in puberty or early adulthood before the decision for homosexuality (or heterosexuality)")**

**c) Alice gets jealous of Mike and has to ‚'claim' Bell as hers in the cafeteria.**


	22. Author Note teaser

**Hey guys. I'm very aware that it has been more than 5 weeks since my last update and I'm very sorry about it. I didn't find much time to write because university just takes up tons of time (sometimes I'm doing my assignements until 1 AM just to get up at 4.50 AM and finish the last bits... not much sleep, i know) plus the fact that I have been diagnosed with a lot of new allergies against food and i had to decide on what kind of therapy and i had to learn to cook completly different... I don't know if any of you suffer from food allergies but you have to believe mit that its very annoying and time consuming. All I was able to do was outline the next chapters and write a few lines... **

**I know its not much (and beware its not beta-read) but I wanted to leave you this short teaser, just to show you that i haven't forgotten about this fanfic [and to prevent hatemails]. Hope your not too mad at me, **

**love Becky**

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"Bella! Alice! It's now five PAST ten!"

I pulled away from her lips and whispered 'good night' into her ear before I left her room and said my 'goodbye' to Charlie. When I started running into the direction of my home I had to stop abruptly because a very memorable vision hit me.

It was Bell's room. the clock on her bedside table read 11:31 her room was filled with a soft warm light, that was created by six candles that were placed on the different tables. On the centre of the bed lay bell. Her skin was shimmering lightly from some lotion she previously put on and her slender body was in an almost professional node model like position. Her left leg stood on the bed while her right lay long close to it. her upper body was propped up on her elbows and her hair was freshly made but to a complete mess, looking wild. she moved slightly, shifting her weight and lay back against the pillows. Now her hands were free to move over her bare chest. she was massaging herself slightly, her right hand cupping her breast. her left hand went lower and lower till it reached the only piece of clothing left on her body. it was a pair of black lace panties I bought for her weeks ago. Her index finger went under the hem slowly and I anticipated to become witness of my girlriend pleasuring herself. The idea making my knees wobble and run a rush of heat between my thighs. I didn't get to see what i had anticipated because the moment her fingers reached her centre she opened her eyes and addressed me directly "Alice, come back here now! I miss you"

I took three very deep breaths before I started my run home again. in the back of my mind I made a note not to leave home a second later than 11.25, otherwise I knew I would be in deep trouble to concentrate on Esmes anything around me.

Little did I know that I'd be in enormous trouble anyhow.


	23. let me show you love

**AN: So finally I finished my very first lemon and , as you can probably guess I'm insecure as hell about it. I hope that you like it-please let me know!**

**A very big Thank You goes out to my beta Jocelyn Torrent - you did a great job. **

**And a lot of thank you's and I-Love-You'S go out to all of you, my readers who haven't abandoned this story and to those readers who send me the most motivating reviews -You guys are, what keeps me writing this story!**

**So here goes the femslash...**

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..._I took three very deep breaths before I started my run home again. In the back of my mind I made a note not to leave home a second later than 11:25. Otherwise I knew I would be in too deep of trouble to concentrate on Esme's words. Or anything around me. _

_Little did I know that I'd be in enormous trouble anyhow_.

chapter 22-let me show you love

When I came home, Esme started talking to me, immediately sensing that I didn't plan on staying for long. She reassured me that she was very happy for me and asked me how I felt about Jasper's, Edward's and the other's reactions. When I promised her that everything would be alright she relaxed visibly. I didn't feel bad about lying to her. I hadn't had a real vision about our family's future in weeks but felt that what was most needed was hope. She was a mother who had lost two of her sons within few days but still she was trying to make me feel accepted and loved, in spite of knowing that mostly I was the one to blame.  
She was a wonderful mother. She deserved hope.

I explained to her that I had absolutely nothing against asking Jasper to rejoin the family after some time had passed. Whenever that might be.  
I started explaining... but I had a short vision of Bella on her bed. It was almost the same vision as before only this time her hair was sleek and she was wearing a see through baby doll. The vision changed again and this time her breast was clad in the blood red lace bra I bought her a few weeks ago. When the vision ended I opened my eyes to a smiling Esme. She waited for me to finish my sentence but there was nothing on my mind. When I had rearranged my thoughts I explained my idea of the future.  
I wouldn't mind Jasper and Edward being there; in fact I knew I would miss them terribly after a few months. They were family, after all. I knew that it would take time for everything to work out; more than just a few weeks and I knew that Esme would understand that and accept it in time. However, I saw that this time would not be now.

"I just know," I said, tapping a finger against my temple, "that everything will be alright. We're a family; we'll help each other to be alright." I smiled at her for a few seconds before she changed the subject.

"Are you going to have a coming out? You know, at school? Do you want the Denali clan to know? I mean, would it be okay if we told them?"

"It's okay that others know. I mean, Tanya and the rest… about school? I don't know. Maybe, probably... ach, I don't know…why?

"Well I just want..." I never got to figure out the rest of that sentence because I was confronted with a new vision.

It was one of Bella. But she wasn't on her bed this time. She was standing under the shower and while parts of her body were covered with white foam most of it was bare for view.

The warm water was running down her beautiful body and from the look of contentment and relaxation on her face, one could see how much she enjoyed her shower. When she turned the water even hotter and let it sprinkle on her back, little sounds of complacence and a few moans escaped her lips. When she threw her head back in moaning I lost it. The last string that had held me in reality and made me aware of my surroundings was cut in two by pure lust. Even before the vision ended I had started running for the door and into the woods, not even hearing the questions Esme was probably calling after me. I only came to a stop when I was in front of Bella's house. Charlie was just closing the windows and doors for the night meaning that I had to wait for a short while. I felt my mobile vibrating in my jeans and answered it immediately.  
"I'm sorry, Esme. I really am. I promise that we'll talk tomorrow, okay?"

"Sure, honey. I was just wondering if everything was alright. Is there something you need help with?"

"No, Mom, everything's fine."

"But you ran off so fast. Is really everything alright? Is Bella in danger?"

"No, no, no, Mom. Bell's just…well…teasing me," I admitted with much unease in my voice.

"Oh... OH," she said, understanding dawning in her voice. "Well, then I wish you a nice night." The honesty and happiness in her voice was clearly audible and made me feel loved.

"Thanks, Mom, bye." I hung up quickly as I noticed the light getting turned out in Charlie's room.

Quietly, I jumped through Bella's open window. I took a seat on her bed and lay back a bit on my elbows just in time to have the perfect view of Bella coming into the room wearing only a towel and the bandages on her hand. She was carrying candles, obviously starting to prepare her room for the evening. Because of the darkness in her room she was unaware of my presence until she had placed and lit the candles on the different tables. When she saw me she yelped in surprise but I managed to stifle her sounds with my hand. Her eyes were big with surprise and happiness. That was until she remembered her plan and started to frown a bit. I took my fingers from her lips and moved them to her neck. Then I leaned close to her and whispered," I saw what you were going to do. I saw you asking me to come back here... wearing so scandalously little that I had a hard time concentrating on Esme's words. A very hard time."

Bell answered by leaning close and nibbling on my earlobe "Oh, that's really, really bad. I take it you liked the idea?"

"Very much,"

"Do you want me to make it up to you for this terrible inconvenience?" Her tongue was moving all over my neck by now. 'Hell yeah,' I almost screamed but she was talking again.

"Or do you want to make me pay, teach me a lesson?" she whispered huskily before walking over to her bed, discarding her towel and lying down completely bare. I noticed how her legs were shimmering in the candlelight- just like in my vision. She looked so beautiful, so confident. And she was there, right in front of my eyes, wanting me.

Suddenly, all of my confidence ran away, leaving me powerless as questions started firing in my head. I had never done this before. How was I supposed to be able to tease her? What if I hold her too hard? Would I lose control when she came, sweating and writhing underneath me with her heart pumping wildly? Would I even get her there? What if I wouldn't be able to make her climax? Would she be disappointed? Would I manage not to hurt her bruised arms anymore? Would I know what to do?

I was pulled out of my thoughts as I felt warm hands starting to unbutton my blouse. I had barely realized that Bella's hands were on my body when I heard her soft voice. "I like that you're nervous. It's very cute." She placed a kiss on my cheek

"Very human..." A kiss on my nose. "But you don't need to be"

I just nodded, still unable to find my voice or my confidence.

"Then maybe … would you like me to show you …how simple this is?" She removed my blouse from my shoulders and let it fall to the floor. Then she moved her hands down my body to open my jeans. I was shuddering slightly from delight as her soft fingers pushed them down my legs.

"Let me show you how good this feels," she whispered as she let her fingertips trail my legs up to my hipbone where she started caressing my skin. "So good." Her fingers and her husky voice were making me ache to touch her and somehow I found it in myself to start caressing her shoulders and neck with my fingers. Her skin felt so wonderful that I never wanted to let her go, never stop touching her.

I wanted to feel more of her skin so I let my finger trail over her back and to her belly button and caused goose bumps to rise all over her back. She told me to lie down on the bed and I complied immediately. She was on top of me in an instant and started nibbling and licking my skin while rubbing her breasts softly against mine, making me cry out for more. My moans must have caught her attention because she started pressing herself against me a bit more forcefully and started moving her lips lower and lower until she was at the centre of my breast. Anticipation ran through my body and made me arch my back, pushing my breasts up against her face. Her lips captured my nipple and licked and pinched it as I started biting my tongue and moaning again. She moved over to my other breast and her hand started massaging it. I felt close to bursting from the force of all those wonderful feelings she created within me. Almost without me noticing she replaced her lips with her hand as she moved to sit on my thighs.

"You're very beautiful," she said before she leaned into me to kiss me. The kiss was calm at first but became more and more heated as her left hand started to move lower, caressing my side and my stomach softly. I felt like she was worshipping every inch of my body while letting me feel her want and desire as well

BPOV

I could see all of her fears on her face, all her insecurities. I felt like shaking my head. This beautiful, loving and usually so confident girl... this girl that probably had more sexual experiences than most adults, was afraid of me not liking her, afraid of not pleasing me, afraid of doing something wrong. Silly girl, she was so much more human at this moment than ever before - I loved her for it. I walked up to her and started undressing her, trying not to move my right hand too much in order to keep the bandages from getting caught on buttons and such.

I whispered sweet nothings to her and she started calming down. Soon she was lying on my bed, waiting for me. Her skin was sparkling lightly in red and orange from the candlelight, making her look even more beautiful. She could have been a fantasy. I lay down on her chest and started nibbling and caressing her skin, every now and then squeezing her breast or pressing my hip more firmly against hers. I found out that she like me touching her breasts so I let my mouth wander to her nipple and began licking it. She was moaning and writhing and I knew that she wanted more, needed more, just like me, so I kissed her one more time before I moved down her body until I was sitting on my calves between her feet. My fingers were on the inside of her panties, drawing circles on her thighs. Slowly, I removed the last piece of clothing from her body. I kissed my way up her legs, hearing more and more moans as I got closer to her center. When my lips were finally in front of it, I ran my tongue over the whole length one time, tasting her, teasing her. Alice purred and opened her legs even wider for me, asking for more, physically begging me not to stop. And how could I?

I lay my right hand onto her hipbone to remind her to lay still and let my tongue draw small circles around her clit. Alice tried to stifle her moans and I actually saw her biting her own hand as I sucked on her clit a bit more forcefully. The view of her slender body reacting to me was turning me on as much as her moans and quiet curses. When I moved two of my fingers to her opening and touched her there, Alice's eyes flew open and a strangled "Please, just… please, Bell," was heard. I shoved my fingers inside her quite forcefully and started to move them in and out of her in a fast rhythm. Her throaty groans and purrs were the only sounds that filled the room and her left hand was now grabbing the back of my head, careful not to hurt me, but still trying to push me a little bit closer.

Soon I felt her nearing her climax, clamping down on my fingers more and more forcefully and somehow, just from instinct I guess I knew that she wanted me to bite her. I let my teeth attack her clit and within a second she came, panting, almost growling my name and a look of utter bliss on her perfect little face.

After a few moments I removed my fingers from her and kissed my way up her body to her wonderful smile.

"I love you."

"I love you, too, Bell. And you were right."

"Hmm?" I raised an eyebrow, not understanding what she was saying.

She had a goofy grin on her face. "That really felt good."

"Oh, it did? " I asked in a playful voice. "I would never have guessed; with all the moaning and writhing." I was almost giggling now.

"We're gonna see who'll be the one moaning and writhing soon," she said, pushing me onto my back and kissing her way down my body. When she had reached my belly button I put my hands on her face to make her look up to me.

"Hey,`liz, you don't have to do that. If you'd feel more comfortable you could just use your fingers … for now. I mean if you want to. You don't have to do anything. If you wish, we could just lie here." My voice was calm, quiet and sincere. I wanted to make sure that I hadn't pressured her into anything she felt not ready for.

"Thank you for the offer, my angel, but in case you have nothing against it I would really like to taste you now."

I nodded. After all, who was I to deny her ? ;)

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**review now and tell me if i should ever bother to write a lemon again or just let it be.**

**By the way, you can still vote on the kind of coming out our girls will have. right now the C)"Alice has to claim Bella in front of Mike as hers (jealousy)" option is in our favor. **

**the other options are:**

**a) the girls kiss (while dancing) in front of half their class**

**b) very stupid teacher tries to give sex education and Bell/Alice correct his infos (the famous „bisexuality is just a phase in puberty or early adulthood before the decision for homosexuality (or heterosexuality)")**


	24. jealousy

**Yes guys, this is real. a new chapter! I'm so sorry that it took me forever to write. the very great majority of you wanted a jealousy-chapter and as it turns out..somehow that's not my thing. there are probably 7 or 8 versions of this chapter and i hated every single one of them. so here's now what i consider the best i could do- i hope i don't disappoint you . my beta Jocelyn Torrent (your great, THANK YOU for your help) and i tried to erase all confusing lines -if there is still something you don't understand, please feel free to contact me (review or pm) I'll explain everything to you.**

**I wanted to thank all of you you who reviewed- i reread the reviews when i had trouble with this chapter and our comments really were what kept me trying again and again- THANK YOU**

**those who choose another option -don't be sad. I think i will be able to make the other ideas part of the following chapters. what i need to know though is whether washington is a state that only teaches "abstinence only" or not- does anybody know? **

**so now, finally, the new chapter:  
**

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chapter 23-jealousy

APOV

The night ended way too early and soon we were back in school. Back in hell. The 8 hours of school were pure agony for me. Not only was I forbidden to touch , kiss and caress my Bella, but now that everyone knew that Edward was out of the picture I also had to watch boys advance her and/or stare at her wonderful body the whole day. Worst of all the pick-up attempts was Mike Newton. After half a day of school I could easily understand how Edward had despised him so much from the first time he lay eyes on Bella .

Again and again he was trying to 'accidentally 'touch her and I didn't have to be a mind reader, to have an idea what he was thinking about while staring at Bella in class. Argh! It made me incredibly angry which resulted in me growling quietly at him whenever he moved past me.

On Wednesday he was partnered with Bella in sport and stared onto her cleavage for almost 20 minutes straight while explaining tactics in badminton . When she laughed at one of his stupid jokes und threw her hair back, smiling at him. I kind of snapped. On my way to the changing rooms I grabbed Bella's arm and dragged her into a facility closet and kissed her with so much passion and jealousy that it left her breathless for a while and had me worrying about bruising her lips. After a few moments of catching her breath a smirk appeared on her face and she left the closet saying, "you're very sexy when you're that angry and jealous, honey!"

At night she tried to assure me that there was absolutely no reason for any jealousy or fear and she told me that I was "a silly little girl" for ever thinking she'd ever choose him over me. Rationally, I knew she was right but my feelings were running overboard whenever she reacted in any positive way to any of the boys that were mentally undressing her the whole time.

When I told her this Bella laughed out loud. "What am I supposed to do, honey? Not talk to them? There is no-oh wait a moment!" before she stripped down to her underwear and pulled out a couple of clothes . When she turned around she smiled and told me that she'd found a solution to a couple of our problems. When she showed me her outfit she had a mystifying glimmer in her eyes .

"What do you think?" she asked. She was wearing dark blue jeans that were at least 2 sizes too big and a really old washed off beige T-shirt that made her skin look sickly pale. Only minutes before her beautiful body had been covered in black skinny jeans and a black, body hugging silk shirt that gave her a nice cleavage.

"Okay, I get it. if I want you to look beautiful I have to accept the guys drooling over you."

" Good. and if you really need me to chase some of them away- for your piece of soul-… Alice, I could just style up a bit more glaring and let Simi spread some rumors that I'm into black messes and the whole Satan thing…. but I can already tell you that that won't chase Mike away. I don't believe there is anything that would."

Bella made a face.

"Edward did," I mumbled more to myself than anything. But Bella heard nonetheless. She only raised an eyebrow before she walked over to her bed and lay down beside me.

"It's hard for me too, you know ?" she admitted "I want to touch you so badly when you're smiling and laughing and just being close …but I know what might happen when I would touch you. I know how bad things can get. That's why I wait for you. If you'll want me to I'll wait until after graduation or even longer. I just want you to be ready, to be comfortable with the outing. I love you."

"I love you more," was all I responded before capturing her lips between mine,

On Thursday I overheard a few guys placing bets on when Bella would finally kiss Mike. Others bet on when she'd slapped him and tell him to go to hell.

When Mike ran over to Bella just after lunch and placed a hand on top of her shoulder to make her halt and listen to something he had to say I found myself growling quietly. Thankfully that wasn't heard by anyone , although Simone came over to me to tell me -not for the first time that week -that I needed to calm down badly. As she stood next to me for a few more moments she put a hand on the small of my back and whispered

"I know it's hard, but as long as she's not openly, publicly yours, you can't be that obviously mad at anyone who's talking to her. Sooner or later people are gonna notice… and they're gonna make up the craziest rumors .You don't want that to happen." She looked at my face seriously but with a comforting smile. I just nodded and thanked her for the warning.

"It's nothing. I just want you to be aware of the dangers. I don't want to see you guys unhappy."

On Friday I was put in a team in a team consisting only of boys in sports. We were supposed to be playing volleyball for fun, but with Eric and Mike on my team the lesson mostly consisted of talking which was now and than interrupted by a short series of "shots". After the lesson we were supposed to put the net and posts away. As Mike was trying to open the knots and loosen the net he was discussing with Ben and Eric whether to ask Bella out to the school dance on Monday, or if he should call her this weekend. The boys agreed that the phone call would be to impersonal and recommended him to wait for "the right moment" sometime next week. Eric said that he'd cross his fingers for him, but Mike was very sure of himself.

" I don't need that, man. She digs me, man, she totally does. I bet she's waiting for me to ask her. But thanks nonetheless."

I must have snorted loudly enough for them to hear, because they turned around to me immediately .

"What's your problem, Cullen? You think she's just waiting for your precious brother to come back from his trip and take her into his arms? Is that why you're all that passive-aggressive towards me now?"

I shook my head, fighting desperately not to let my laughter and rage control me.

"No? Well maybe it is, maybe not. But let me tell you something: she's not waiting for him; she won't take him back. So can you please just inform your brother and just let us guys try to do her right.?"

He had a supposedly threatening and somewhat weird smile on his face which made me all the more furious. I wanted to scream at him, I wanted to show him the picture of Bella and me kissing, wanted to scream at him that she's mine and that he'd be sorry if he ever touched my girlfriend again. But I couldn't . I wasn't ready for that much attention and drama around the two of us. So I took a few calming breaths and just shrugged and spit a cold, "Whatever" at him and let him think what he wanted.

To make my day even worse I received a vision of my love telling me that she'd have to spend the weekend at her mum's and would only be back on Sunday night. when I got to her car and asked her about it she didn't know what I was talking about. Well, she didn't know until 5 minutes later her mom called and told her about the wonderful surprise.

I decided to put the free time to use and after almost an hour of goodbye kisses I had to let her board the plane ,I sped away to the forests of Alaska, where I hunted . I ate way more than necessary so that I would be well fed and less irritable next week at school.

Out of impulse I decided to drop by the Denali coven . Only Tanya was home and even though she wasn't my favorite among the clan, just talking to someone who wasn't a part of the mess at home was an enjoyable change.

It was in the early hours of morning that we came to the topic of Bella and me at Forks High. For some reason I started explaining about Mike's innerving attempts with Bella. And when a very disturbing vision hit me I immediately wished I hadn't. Mike was standing in the shower groping his private parts and moaning out Bells name, begging her to suck him in deep. The vision made my skin crawl and had me growling out loudly in rage. How dare he fantasize about her like that. Tanya asked politely if I was alright and gave me the tip to "just relax a bit" and go hunting more regularly. I left her house around 5pm and called Bella to talk about her day .

Bell POV

After the wonderful night with Alice going to school seemed to be the farthest thing from my mind, especially since it meant I wasn't allowed to kiss her. Somehow we got through Tuesday but nothing felt right. Apparently word had spread that I was without a boyfriend now and even though my "scary looks" and geekiness help to prevent a rerun of my very first week at Forks High, some guys still tried to flirt with me very openly.

Sean and Luke gave up on Wednesday but Mike just couldn't be deterred. He was very nice and funny and listening to every word I said. He was a pretty good friend, and it made me a little sad that he wanted more from me and didn't notice the pretty blonde in his government class that was obviously in love with him.

On Wednesday afternoon I got a little annoyed with him for staring at my breasts every now and then while explaining tactics in sport. I let my eyes and mind wander around the gym-hall to Alice. Every now and then I saw her staring very angrily at Mike's back. When she noticed me looking at her a smile that just made my heart melt lit up on her face for a short moment. I mouthed a 'love you' to her and hoped to make her jealousy calm down a bit, but boy was I wrong. When the lesson was over and we were on our way to the changing rooms I felt a tug at my arm and was pulled into a small room. the moment the door closed cold lips were pressed against me and a very familiar tongue forced its way into my mouth almost violently . Her kisses left me breathless and when my eyes adjusted to the very dim lighting I looked into her face and the passionate and angry possessiveness that was pouring out of each and every part of her made my skin tingle; she looked so unbelievable sexy.

I told her that and left the closet. It was only minutes later that I realized how easily we could have been caught- especially with Alice not in the mental position to look out for things like that. I had to talk to her about this.

After one night of reassuring I felt like her anger and jealousy had calmed down a bit and the rest of the week went by calmly. We were adjusting to the situation pretty well and just looking forward to a nice weekend alone. Well, that was until Alice confronted me about leaving for the weekend. ...What? I was completely surprised and more than a little pissed and only minutes later my mom called telling me she had reunited with her mother after almost 10 years of separation and she wanted her to get to know me since 'grandma' ( I had never really known her, the word seemed weird) was only in Jacksonville until Monday. She asked for me tovisit her. And since grandma's 3rd husband was a pretty rich architect a first-class-plane ticket from Port Angeles to Jacksonville was already waiting for me at the airport. The flight would take off at 6:30pm and my constant tries to get a word in between my mothers rambling and ask for a meeting in Port Angeles- if possible maybe some other weekend were completely ignored.

The whole weekend I missed my little pixie terribly and even though I got to talk to her twice for a couple of hours about my day, I just felt terribly lonely. As my luck would have it the flight back on Sunday was delayed and with Charlie driving me home from Port Angeles-always a few miles slower than the speed limit- I wasn't home until 11:30. In only seven and a half hours my alarm would ring, well only seven in fact since I wanted to take a shower before school. "Just lovely," I sighed.

The only thing that lifted my mood was the petite vampire waiting on my bed for me. With a soft kiss and a 'hello gorgeous' she welcomed me. I lay down next to her and played with her hair for a bit. I wanted nothing more that to have mad, newly in love, wild girlsex with her but I could barely hold my eyes open. Before I could tell her she already knew and I wondered for a moment why I was even surprised.

"It's okay. You should sleep, honey," she assured me and helped me take of my shoes and jeans before wrapping me in blankets and spooning behind me, laying her arms around me. I more felt than heard her whisper 'good night' into my ear and seconds later I was deeply asleep.

APOV

When I finally had my angel back in my arms I felt happy and incredibly needy. I just needed to smell her, touch, kiss, tease and seduce her. I could already feel her exhaustion as she entered theroom and when she lost control of her eyelids more often than not I helped her out of her jeans and shoes and lay down behind her. Within seconds she was asleep. I took almost two hours before her dreams started. She started moaning and sweating so close to me, breathing out my name a lot and begged me to 'do something ' 'right there'. Herdream was obviously very explicitly erotic and just the small pants groans and moanings of my name were arousing me completely.

When she threw her from side to side breathing 'yeah….like that ' and the sweet scent of her arousal enclosed her completely I almost lost control. I wanted to wake her so desperately but couldn't since she needed her sleep badly. Lying close to her was pure torture, hell and agony. And it only got worse as she woke took her a few seconds but when she saw my flustered face and remembered her dream she blushed a deep crimson putting the strong scent of her sweet blood into the mix of appealing smells, making my instinct take over . I jumped on top of her and started licking her neckline and nibbling on her soft skin. Now she was moaning again lightly and running her fingers up and down my sides. She pulled myshirt over my head and mumbled, "This is definitely a start for my day I could get u-" I cut her off with my lips and kissed her deeply.

I was sneaking my hand under her shirt edging my fingers forward to her soft, "Bella, are you awake?" I was of the bed immediately, almost 2 meters of distance between my hand and the wonderful soft flesh of her breasts. I was panting hard, unable to control neither breathing nor the slight shaking of my hands.

"Yeh…yes, dad. Yes, I'm up," Bella answered after a few breaths.

"I'll be off to work in a few," Charlie explained.

"Okay, dad. I'm going to take a shower"

When I heard him walking down the stairs I pulled my shirt back on.

" I'm sorry. I should have seen this.. I.. but you were moaning and writhing and..all night and I..I just lost control and …"

BPOV

It's all right, Alice," I stopped her babbling. "I am sorry I was too tired yesterday…and now there's not enough time. But tonight. I promise, I'm going to make it up to you." Her face lit up a bit.

" I know," she kissed me shortly on the lips.

"Now go shower. I'll lay some things out for you to wear ."

I had already the door latch in my hand when I remembered Charlie talking about the good weather coming up. "Will I see you at school? " I asked turning around again

She stared of into empty space for a few moments. "It'll be warm, but almost no sun. I'll be there-now go shower. I'll stop by at home."

After a quick shower I went back and dressed in the clothes Alice had put on the bed. it was a black short sleeved shirt that was skintight and showed a bit of cleavage and a white skirt with a black flower-print that went about knee-length. Using a black satin band to hold some of my hair back I left most of it open. After putting on a bit of make-up and a quick breakfast I was on my way to school.

It was an uncommonly warm day and almost the entire student body of Forks high was dressed as if we were having a trip to Los Angeles. Mini-skirts that were not much more than wide belts, low-cut tops, shorts and T-shirts in all the bright colors filled the school-yard. Needless to say with my black and white outfit I stood out even more than usually. Simone spotted me easily from across the parking lot and came over to me.

"Hey, Hara, ready for another wonderful week at this wonderful school?"

"Oh, Sim, of course. With these overly competent teachers and incredible teaching-techniques I don't even know what else I could ever spend my time on." The sarcasm was so heavy in my voice that we were laughing on our way to the fist period.

Lessons dragged on, teachers mostly just letting students read out homework and analyze them afterwards. In between classes everyone was talking about the upcoming dance that would be held the weekend before my 18th birthday. everyone was talking about possible dates and some of the girlswere actually bold enough to ask Alice if Edward would be back intime for the dance. When Alice answered in complete honesty that shedidn't know some got a little angry. With some I mean all that askedand a little angry became my synonym for furious that day.

In the girls restroom I overheard Lauren saying " That bitch thinks I'm not good enough to know, not good enough for him? who's she todecide? I bet Edward would love to go with me."

'like hell he wouldn't, bitch,' I thought angrily. Then I thought about the dance and about how Alice couldn't go there with me as longas she wasn't ready to come out to the whole school. And I would never ever go with anyone else. Maybe we could spend the evening in Seattle checking out some 'local' girl clubs. I decided to ask her about it later.

When lunch came I decided to sit on the windowsills close to or usual table and waited for my friends to arrive. Only moments later Mike took place beside me, laying his right hand on my knee and I just knew something really awkward and deja-vu-like was about to happen. He was going to ask me out to the dance and I hadn't had enough time to think of a polite excuse. As it turned out though being polite to Mike should not have been dominating my thoughts.

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----------------------------------wanted to end it here, but your waiting since January so….----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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Alice pov

I knew Mike was gonna ask her about the dance today and I knew that Bella would decline. What I didn't know and what I was therefore completely unprepared for was that he was touching her. Her bare knee to be more exact. So when I entered the cafeteria and saw them I kinda reacted without too much thinking. I don't know if I was thinking at all as I walked over to them. The moment he had finished the "with me?" part of the question I was almost close enough for them to hear me. Bella struggled finding words "Ehm, Mike I…ehm." that'swhen I spoke aloud " I think you should tell him the truth, Bell."

"And what would that be, Cullen?" Mike sneered as I made my last steps closer . Bella just looked at me with confusion in her eyes. I made another step closer to her, so that I was in between her knees and less than an arm's length away from her upper body.

"She doesn't want to go out with you," I said as I pushed Mike's hand away from her knee and replaced it with mine.

"But with your ass of an brother or what? I think Bella can decide for herself," he said way too confidently.

I wasn't even looking at him any more just staring into my angel's eyes and I think that they were what made me say the thing I wanted to.

" I know that. But I also know that she'll only go with me," I replied with probably the most silly smile on my face.  
That smile mirrored Bella's as I leaned forward and kissed her.

My left hand was knotted into her hair within seconds and as her tongue demanded entrance my right hand moved up under her skirt until I was able to feel the sensitive skin of her thigh. Feeling her and kissing her made me completely forget my surroundings for a moment and I deepened the kiss even more. Enjoying the way she felt, tasted and made me feel. I didn't notice anything until Simone sat down at our table only a few feet away and wolf-whistled like hell. I moved reluctantly a few inches away from Bella. A little worried about what would happen to us the moment we averted eyes from each other we just kept staring into each others faces absorbing as much love as possible from each others smiles.

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**Questions? Comments? Please review!**

**Jocely Torrent meant that alice/bells kiss sounds like they'd get sent to the office for their behaviour. Do you think that as well??  
in most german schools nobody will say or do anything about such 'things' (**okay maybe some teacher would make a remark or stupid joke about it, but that's it**) is it that different in american high schools?? do you want the girls to be sent to the principal ??  
**


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